my heart has palpitations
not real ones
but those that come from
worrying —
if this is all there is
if this is what i was meant to be doing
if there’s something more i should be trying
if adventure awaits elsewhere
if
if
if
pounds my heart
faster
and faster
and i can’t keep up
unless i
take a moment
and
cry
heart
January 22, 2025
i’d love to be a
“yes and”
find the funnest stream
go with the flow
and see whatever happens
happening
kind of person
but raising myself from the time i was
approximately 11
gave me some sort of
perfectionistic
type-a-personality
care and careful
self-preservation
overly cautious
kind of vibe constantly fighting against my
natural chaotic state
and hey
maybe it’s the opposite
maybe my natural state is more type-a
and the immediacy of seeing how
life is fleeting
gave me the drive to try to
induce chaos and joy in my life
but whichever way the truth lies
the sentiment still stands:
i have one part of me in chaos
and one part of me trying for strict alignment
and the two parts are forever fighting
inside my mind/my heart/my body/my soul
and rather than tempering each to a
reasonable level, they simply
stop
all action in either direction
and so i am neither cautious nor chaotic
i am simply
stuck.
January 11, 2025
trying desperately to please
at least two out of the three
of my soul/mind/body
but i think
i need to think
of the systems working together —
sometimes seemingly in opposition,
but they are all 100% part of me —
and if i can align myself
in harmony
and symmetry
with all three,
i think i may have an easier time
within the parts of me
that make me
me
June 17, 2023
the sin of being me
is punishable
through inside and outside means
and my brain can only get so far
in forgiveness
when it’s constantly fighting against itself
and my body seems to cling to living
as it falls apart
and resolves towards innumerable lifetimes
and my soul only ever seems to
chill inside/beside
all this angst going on around and around and around
but the dark part of me
[brain?]
[heart?]
[body?]
[other?]
it keeps reminding me
that i am punishable
i should be punished
through some means
hold my beer
i’ll do it
myself
[‘if you want something done right,’
right?]
March 15, 2023
sitting here
at the corner of my table—
the table i write at daily
but slightly offset
from most mornings—
writing about depression
and despair
and i see a heart
lightly etched into
this table
that came to us
secondhand
the heart could be a human marking
it could be a grain of the wood
it could be a scratch that so perfectly emulated
the hearts we draw
complete happenstance
but i find it
both sanguine
and sad
that while writing poetry
meant to allow
myself to feel those lulls of utter
darkness
i glance over
and see
a symbol
of hope
March 3, 2023
my heart points me towards
the poems i want to write
sometimes i need to just place down
some gibberish at the beginning of a document
to let my heart lead me where it needs
but it always leads me
somewhere
but when my brain wants to poetize about something
and the heart is not at all aligned
every word feels false,
every metaphor forced,
and i leave wondering if i actually
did more damage to the subject
than honor and love and art
i suppose this just means that
poetry, even my own, was always
a heart-driven/emotional act
(and the overthinking can just
stay away while i write,
please!)
February 11, 2023
dressed like a pirate
off to pillage and
steal the key to your heart
January 6, 2023
feelings
feels
found around the heart
dissect them with the brain
and mind them with the body
is the soul the sole proprietor
of all at once?
or not?
September 29, 2022
i
don’t
wanna
do it
i don’t
want
to morning pages
i don’t
want to write
this morning
i don’t
want to be forced
or force myself to be
creative
fake inspiring
inspired
by the cold outside
(or inside for that matter)
by my sleepy eyes
or exhausted brain
or heart that has yet to gain
any sort of strength
(they say the heart is a muscle
but how do you exercise it
to be more open
more loving
more child-like
more you?)
i
don’t
wanna do
anything
so instead
i’m writing
about the feeling
and hoping
you’ll understand
too
September 3, 2022
the heart wants
what the heart wants
but the brain and body can be
so
suspicious
lazy
resistant
ennui-ed
[a poem about why i’ve wanted to sew
for literal months
but haven’t done a stitch]
kipventures 