burning hands
burning feets
burning face
how mystique
mistaken and confused
my kip’s nerve endings are being
have been
the last few weeks
[i hope we find out soon what’s going on]
health
May 4, 2024
running away from
all responsibilities
in order to take care of
my own health self
[i hate it i hate it i hate it]
October 2, 2023
the dying sinuses
of the colder weather
last week
the residual sinus headache
as the weather warms once more
this week
i am no longer a human person,
i am simply a conglomeration
of inflamed nasal passages
affected by temperature
May 11, 2023
got myself
a bum ankle
but i’m not able
to actually rest enough
to better myself
in terms of healing
and caring
into full health
~~~
is anyone
actually good
at their own
rest???
~~~
the weather says it’ll be
hot hot hot
later today
but at this moment
with stillness and icing ankle
and inside and overnight lows
i’m closer to chilly than overheated
and much closer to shivering
than sweating
so how does the weather change fast enough
to fit all it fits
in one day?
April 29, 2023
having a thing
a project
an assignment
and a due date
brings out all the worst in me
in terms of school-wise planning and ability
i mean, i’m able to get to work
to get it done
(i got it done)
but i seem to be unable to finish
without a huge jolt of stress
and anxiety
the night before
it’s actually due
and this seems less than great
for my mental and physical health states…
November 15, 2022
first day
back in the world
since coming down with the ‘rona
still got this crazy cough
still a little more exhausted than not
still gonna mask on way more than mask off
but
i got so excited about the prospect yesterday
of testing negative and getting to work and see people today
i suppose i just gotta do it
(and trust that yesterday’s excitement
was the sign i took it to be
that i’m
ready)
July 26, 2021
[i may have talked about this before, but]
inspirations
affirmations
declarations
don’t really work for me
there is a huge gap between where i am now
(in the process of deconstructing decades of feeling completely worthless)
to the exact point of an affirmation
(“you are enough”)
or a positive reminder
(“be kinder to yourself”)
but through therapy
and tiktok
and queer acting class
i’ve learned that i can nudge myself away from the black and white thinking
and into the essence of these inspirations
through simple wording choices:
what if statements
(“what if i am enough”)
[look at that, too,
my example phrasing changed from a ‘you’ to an ‘i’
because it felt so much more accessible this way]
and similarly with permission instead of declaration
(“i am allowed to be kinder to myself”)
and no, it’s not fixing everything right away,
i didn’t find these work-arounds and immediately feel
completely
mentally
emotionally
healthy,
but it’s a way to start accessing that healing towards a health
that always felt so far away
why
even
try
[now i can try!]
July 25, 2021
for so long
i was the kind of person
who woke up every morning
and stretched for fifteen minutes.
i think i needed it, at that time,
so much loss and change and variability,
and i had a goal and i achieved it;
within the year (maybe within six months)
i could:
touch my toes,
drop into full splits,
left, right, and center,
and i could arch my back
backwards
and touch the floor on the other side.
and yes, i was younger
and limberer
(though i certainly didn’t feel that way
when i started)
but after high school,
i entered college
with roommates
and depression
and a year away
and figuring out my life
and another college
and too many classes/assignments/rehearsals
to fit in 24 hours,
and the diligence
of stretching every morning
slipped away…
and then meeting my to-be spouse
and graduation
living/moving around the midwest
Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Madison,
eventually ending up in our own home
and still i didn’t have a morning routine
akin to that which helped me through high school
nothing for my body
nothing for my mind
nothing for my soul
(but i was fulfilled, body, mind, and soul, in other ways;
discovering circus,
meeting my people,
having my kip with me through it all).
and when we moved to New York,
the spouse and i created a new tradition,
a new morning routine,
to make our lives a little more centered
as we entered our busy days.
and that habit ebbed and flowed,
adjusting for our own needs,
adjusting for the start of a global pandemic,
adjusting for the stressors and fears that accompany
life
in a ‘new normal’
kind of situation,
and we’ve been at this
morning pages
for a year and a half now,
and the poetry version
i’ve kept going
for a little over
one hundred days
and this has been paramount
to my emotional, intellectual, and spiritual health,
i’ve felt more connected to my own thoughts
(or awareness that i’m not)
for the first time since i was a small child
but my body still begs for consistency
and my muscle flexibility
hasn’t been touched in weeks
and there’s no habit i have that helps…
but that’s how i started
a decade and a half ago,
a feeling of need,
of desire,
of a goal i wanted to accomplish,
and i set my mind to do it
so i did.
and i know it won’t be as quick
(and i have more knowledge now
of all bodies and their different needs)
so maybe
now
i can find a time
an activity
a physically centering habit
to help me as we adjust
for new changes,
healthier spaces,
and connect body/mind/spirit
in one.
kipventures 