find your home place
of bookish nerd
and weirdo theatre kid
don’t shy away from folks
who don’t see you
as the 9-year-old you are
but show them
instead
how to connect with their own inner child
they may have forgotten
or abandoned
long ago
healing
July 13, 2022
chocolate for breakfast
not because it’s a special occasion
or any reason really
but because we are adults
and we get to make adult decisions
and because we are healing our inner children
so chocolate for breakfast
is sometimes what the healing child
needs.
March 13, 2022
internally
raw
worn
torn
injured
maybe bleeding
(maybe healing?)
~~~
i look at the the date
“happy manniversary!” i tell my kip
“i didn’t do anything…” they say, as their face falls
from their initial surprise-joy
“it’s ok” i say, hoping to turn the mood
from sadness
to a dark humor
that will also then
bring us down
again
to all that’s been:
“two years ago today
we were
~supposed~ to be seeing
Hadestown.”
we laugh
and sigh
and continue on inside
as the pandemic still goes on
(as much as folks pretend it isn’t
with lax guidelines
and ignoring science
and pleas from healthcare workers
falling
not on deaf ears
but on those that simply
wish not to hear)
outside.
~~~
my poetry this morning
seems to be coming from a different place
a place of allowing
the cacophony
and angst
to broil itself down
to the basics
of words
and feelings
and leaving
them all
on the page[screen]
[[[for once]]]
November 10, 2021
…is that why i’m so disconnected from my body now?
because i spent so many years
either
starving it to thrive in that social climate
or feeling like my mind was too expansive
for a regular human body
(and do i still feel like that
if i dig down deep
and ask?)
October 28, 2021
doing so much
yet feeling like i did
so little
doing things
is all fine and good
but when it comes time to talk to people…
healing takes a while
healing takes a long long time
healing is about more than just ‘feeling better’
August 23, 2021
the highs
the lows
the devastation
the celebration
the joy
the sorrow
the feeling hapless and hopeless to ever find anything to fix this
and wanting to hold onto it, keep in it, feeling safe inside of it
and yet
(and yet)
knowing that finding healing will make my life better,
open doors i didn’t even know were there,
burst open a way to make beauty out of the anguish
(because, hasn’t that been the goal all along?
isn’t that why you[i] always [used to] say things like
‘i went through this
i can help you through this…’
putting forth all your[my] effort
to bring others up
when you[i] felt down?
why acting and poetry and art in general
are the aspiration
the hope
the dream that keeps you[me] around?
(well, that and spouse and cat and dog))
feel them
remember them
but understand them
and don’t think of them
as forever.
July 30, 2021
when pondering
my overthinking
i can often track my issues back
a few layers
and then i get stuck.
“here’s where i am!”
i yell to the universe,
“i’ve figured myself out now,
can i fix myself next?”
they always say
“knowing is half the battle”
but i’ve known for ages.
but when i start to think critically,
instead of with absurd abundance,
i see some more layers underneath
the ones i’ve already detected,
and these are more fragile,
ticking time bombs,
connected to everything
inside my brain/body/spirit,
and this, i think to myself, may be the actual half
of knowing…
but i’m wary of this knowledge
so i’ll be careful,
tip-toe around it,
but at least i’m peaking in
instead of running away
and staying in the layer
that’s comfortable,
that makes sense,
that i feel there is some possibility for change
…this layer has the possibility for healing.
July 26, 2021
[i may have talked about this before, but]
inspirations
affirmations
declarations
don’t really work for me
there is a huge gap between where i am now
(in the process of deconstructing decades of feeling completely worthless)
to the exact point of an affirmation
(“you are enough”)
or a positive reminder
(“be kinder to yourself”)
but through therapy
and tiktok
and queer acting class
i’ve learned that i can nudge myself away from the black and white thinking
and into the essence of these inspirations
through simple wording choices:
what if statements
(“what if i am enough”)
[look at that, too,
my example phrasing changed from a ‘you’ to an ‘i’
because it felt so much more accessible this way]
and similarly with permission instead of declaration
(“i am allowed to be kinder to myself”)
and no, it’s not fixing everything right away,
i didn’t find these work-arounds and immediately feel
completely
mentally
emotionally
healthy,
but it’s a way to start accessing that healing towards a health
that always felt so far away
why
even
try
[now i can try!]
May 6, 2021
it’s ok
it’s ok
it’s ok to not write a poem just yet
about reframing the story
around death
to create closure.
this is ok
to sit with
in your heart
for a while
just you and your
thoughts/memories/emotions/
stories
living each day,
getting to know how to live
with closure
(even if it feels fake at first)
i know you don’t feel like you deserve
closure
acceptance
to go on
but remember
you were just a kid,
a damn kid,
it doesn’t matter if you think
every child is ‘truly innocent’
or not
they are children
their brains are not fully developed
they don’t know how to fully deal
with death
you
were just a child
your
brain was not fully developed
you
didn’t know how to fully deal
with death
with all that death
that loss
it doesn’t matter if you think you deserve closure
now
don’t you think you,
child you,
eleven and fifteen year old you
deserve some sort of
closure?
acceptance?
healthy relationship with self?
something?
kipventures 