birds
swooping down in
the rain
puppies
pawing at the floor
for attention
and the outside
and the inside
always have some parallels
but it’s the liminal spaces in-between
where i find my own comfort
gender
December 20, 2024
bury me in my most beloved outfit
of the day
but make sure i have something
extra
in case the next day
is a different gender
or vibe
[i wouldn’t want to be misgendered
in the afterlife
or by the tiny larvae
exploding through my skin
eating me from the inside]
i can’t wait to be
a few slivers of fabric
and mostly bones
and maybe someone will figure out how to tattoo on my ribcage
‘nonbinary’
so every archaeologist will know
to make no assumptions
from my skeleton’s makeup
just vibe with the tiniest microorganisms
that i brought with me
daily
and i’ll try to explain
to st. peter
or hades
or whomever i have to
what being ‘gender chaotic’ really means
and hopefully
after i’ve shuffled off this mortal coil
and no longer have to adhere to a physical form
i can be what i’ve always thought of myself
internally
July 8, 2024
it’s funny how gender-affirming sparkly nail polish can be
for me
for my estimation of in-between genders/
outside of the binary/
erring towards chaos/
creative/
forgoing gender
for individual
whatever/
in that mode
sparkles
on my nails
feels so
right
January 4, 2023
i’m not a boy
or a girl
or a human really
i’m just a chaotic mess
a bundle of sads and stress
stuck together
hiding
in a trenchcoat
trying to get tickets
to something
i probably shouldn’t see
you feel me?
December 28, 2022
maybe i
will continue to buy
certain girly styles
just to get the high i get
by giving away the things
i rarely wear
to trans-femmes early in their transitions
gender affirming wear
from gender diverse friends—
giving gives me so many fantastic feels
October 24, 2022
i wonder
if my mother
would have been great
at getting my pronouns
right
would she have stood up for me
at family gatherings
corrected people
when i wasn’t near
would she have been
the ally
i needed
to come out
with a bang
instead of this subtle
exhausting
whispered
coming out
over
and over
and over
again
every time
a ‘she’ is uttered
or a ‘ladies’ is announced
or any of those microaggressions
my gender dysphoria
insists
are actual aggression
i don’t know
i wish i knew
but i really don’t
she was an ally of all queer folks she knew
(I know 100% she’d have been to my wedding
would have celebrated like the world was ending
when she knew mine was just beginning
because that’s just the way she was)
but gender is somehow harder
and the in-between confuses even the best
of allies
and i don’t want to put her up on a pedestal
nor do i want to underestimate her devotion
to a me she never got to see
i only knew her for eleven and three quarters years
and i have memories of less
she is both the person i was closest to
and the biggest mystery of my life
and i just wish
i could guess
what it would be like
to have her
stand up
for me
October 16, 2022
a word
to those
who misgender:
if we stop correcting you
it does not mean
it’s all right
in fact
the opposite
is true;
it hits us
hard
each time
to the point
where
we simply
shut down.
the energy to stand up for oneself
drains more and more
each instance
October 14, 2022
most
genderqueer folks
i know
(myself absolutely included)
would give anything
to be
a metamorphmagus–
not to live in the world
that TERF jk created–
but to be able
to fit our outside appearance
to what it is inside
as it changes
daily
some days i’d be
flat chested
small hipped
medium hight
the perfect twink
to flirt and tease and captivate with ease
and some days i’d be so ripped
so big
so swole
(imagine
being able to change your muscle density
at will–
to be able to build the strength
instantaneously–
what a circus dream)
and some days
i might
go back to this body
(or similar,
still probably
with less mass
most places,
but especially
at the chest
and side hips)
change my hair
to fit my mood–
no more dye necessary
to complete the rainbow–
but also
on days i want to just fit in
and pass by
i could
with the blink of an eye
a thought of the mind
visualize and divine
and for acting,
for roles,
never worrying
if i might be tall enough
or blonde enough
or thin enough,
no more worrying
about appearance as casting
only go for things
that hit my soul and personality
and make me feel something
if only
if only
if only
i cry
into the void
up towards the sky
out to a world where magic
ceases
the minute it reaches
me
or at least that’s how
it feels
to not fully be
meta
morph
magus
what a transphobic
existence
September 22, 2022
i think it’s so funny
when people are funny
about their dog’s gender
the dog
doesn’t care
only you care
only you
~~~
but maybe that’s the source
right?
it doesn’t matter what the misgendered person’s gender is
it doesn’t matter how they feel at all
it’s all about the
person
in power—
the parent
or owner
or law maker
am i right?
~~~
experimentation
with imperfection
with writing
without rewriting
with whimsy
and morning brain
and coffee-less veins
and only a little bit
of contemplation
before composition
before posting
again
August 11, 2022
on pumping myself up (and all that entails) :
you can do it!
[i can do it]
the coffee will help!
[but it’s not a necessity,
because i can do it on my own!]
yes, you can do it all on your own!
just go into the thing, and change the other thing
[very specific of you]
thank you.
but for realz, who cares if anyone gets upset?
it’s your name
your identity
what makes you feel good/
gender euphoric/
most yourself
[and if i run into another issue
about ‘how names should be formatted’?]
well, then, that’s the patriarchy,
and your know what we do to the patriarchy…
[burn it down!?!]
burn it down!!!
…but also, logistics/red tape/maybe a strongly worded letter
[mmm, strongly worded letters…]
much better than politely worded letters, don’t you think?
a way to get out your ire &
not to freak out about the writing of an email
because it needn’t be perfect,
but it must be passionate
[but what if they don’t believe me
because it’s not perfect?
or what if the person who gets the email
believes the same as i do
and i ruin their day
because not only did they get ire
all sent towards themself,
they also can’t do anything
about it
and that makes them feel worse???]
…
i mean, we don’t even know if we need to write a strongly worded letter
yet,
first we need to try to do the thing
and i feel like
both this poem
and the overthinking
are ways to avoid
just doing the thing;
staying complacent
in this quite simple and adjustable lot in life
so…?
are we gonna do it?
[…
…
…yes?]
yes!
do it!!
you can!!!
[update:
i did it!
it was easy
but then…
memories!?!?
ugh, the social medias…]
ugh…
kipventures 