August 12, 2024

the double take of everyone
seeing me at a party full of madison circus folk;
the “ah, yes, hj is here.”
and then
“wait! hj is here!?!”
was delightful
and though i do feel a little guilty
for being less than communicative
about this trip
and planning next to nothing,
i do appreciate
how beautifully the first day
embraced my entrance
with spontaneity
and perfect timing
[and i have a premonition
that the last day will be similar
but with the theatre friends
instead]

[i suppose my advice to anyone
traveling back to a place they once
lived, is to make sure it just so happens
to take place over the time of
important and casual parties
for your former social circles,
because you get to see all the faces
without trying to schedule everyone in

and then maybe, in a week or two, send a
huge thank you card
to the hosts of said parties
because the appreciation that
that all worked out will carry you into
the next
few
years]

June 30, 2024

i suppose i could/should write a poem
about this past pride month
and all its craziness
and what it’s meant to me…

but i think i need to absorb it
and put it to bed
[or at least let it nap]
before either of us are ready
to assess how i feel
about how this hectic
time of rainbows and shows
and running around and barely breathing
and nervousness and new experiences
and wholesome friendships
went

so…
one of these days
when it’s no longer june
i’ll write about it

June 8, 2024

so many things
happening at once
keeping an eye on the cat
to make sure she doesn’t throw up
having a schedule
in your brain
and making sure it equals
the one written down
and keeping relationships
and keeping pets
fed and happy and healthy
[yes, the friends, too]
and also yourself
i mean, that’s a lot to do
not even getting into
late-stage capitalism
and how everyone needs multiple jobs
to keep the debt collector away
and keeping up to date
on social/political issues
to be an informed voter

how does any human do it these days?

April 25, 2024

the beauty
of a soft friendship,
of a tender friendship,
of a caring, loving, beautiful, thoughtful,
gentle
friendship.

we should all have those
and we should all be those
people
to someone
who needs that
friendship.

March 30, 2024

swag bags
filled with stuff
from a college i never attended
[maybe never will]
but still
a place of lovely memories
and blossoming friendships
even if
just for one event
in one
day

March 2, 2024

locking eyes
trans on trains
but it’s more than
‘i see you, you see me too’
it’s the
‘i might know you
from our silly rectangular social boxes’
and lo and behold,
check the algorithm —
there you are
and there i am, not so much sliding
but stumbling into your dms
saying, ‘let’s be friends’
[and blaming my spouse in the process]
and i’m too nervous about awkward connections
to check the reply
just yet

but i do know you have
replied

and i think that’s enough connection
for this socially anxious
ball of rainbows.

[but now the spouse wants to know…]

March 1, 2024

the cat has been getting
braver
and brazener —
coming down the stairs to the level of the dog,
sometimes for curiosity
sometimes for food
sometimes for cuddles
and sometimes just to force the issue
of the dog’s own curiosity about her —
and every time we see
the two interact
we sternly, but patiently, remind the dog
“be respectful.”
so that she knows to let the cat lead the interaction.

[the cat still likes to bait the dog
into playful antics
that just makes her cat-sprint back up the stairs,
but each time they sniff each other/
or look without pounces,
the calm lasts a tiny bit longer

i’m certain
eventually
they’ll be their own category of friends]

January 22, 2024

i feel like this new day of a new week
is a whole new moment of a brand new life
i don’t know what it is —
maybe it’s the lack of upcoming stressors,
maybe it’s getting used to this
twenty-twenty-four
as we have it,
maybe it’s feeling confident in friendships,
maybe it’s feeling confident in circus,
maybe it’s because
kip
is no longer feeling
vertigo-y
or migraine-y
and i feel like we might be
past
the worst of whatever this is,

but
so

this feels so new/
so fresh/
so daylight/daybreak/break me out of my rut

even with the cold
even with the chill
even with the snow and ice still there on the ground…

maybe it’s artistic inspiration
flowing all over me,
maybe it’s puppies and cats
and 8 hours of sleep
[even interrupted
i’m pretty sure it counts up to that],

maybe i just forgot
all the reasons i have
to be sad —

whatever it is

i’m feeling
almost
glad