August 12, 2024

the double take of everyone
seeing me at a party full of madison circus folk;
the “ah, yes, hj is here.”
and then
“wait! hj is here!?!”
was delightful
and though i do feel a little guilty
for being less than communicative
about this trip
and planning next to nothing,
i do appreciate
how beautifully the first day
embraced my entrance
with spontaneity
and perfect timing
[and i have a premonition
that the last day will be similar
but with the theatre friends
instead]

[i suppose my advice to anyone
traveling back to a place they once
lived, is to make sure it just so happens
to take place over the time of
important and casual parties
for your former social circles,
because you get to see all the faces
without trying to schedule everyone in

and then maybe, in a week or two, send a
huge thank you card
to the hosts of said parties
because the appreciation that
that all worked out will carry you into
the next
few
years]

April 25, 2024

the beauty
of a soft friendship,
of a tender friendship,
of a caring, loving, beautiful, thoughtful,
gentle
friendship.

we should all have those
and we should all be those
people
to someone
who needs that
friendship.

July 27, 2023

maybe
seeing people!
(could be a couple weeks away,
could be months and months,
but at least it’s coming
soon-ish)

(and thank goodness
because i miss them all so much)

March 29, 2022

yesterday was a
good(?!?)
day

chores accomplished
things done
(ahead of time even)
friends talked to
(friends!
what a concept!)

and i hope
that this energy
positivity
whatever-y
lasts
just a few days longer

because man, i have so many things on my to-do list
that are just waiting for a day
when i feel like i have the mental stamina
to do them.

~~~

toaster strudels
toasted
iced
eaten

bagels
ordered
made
still waiting
for delivery
(to house and to mouth)

do we need two different breakfasts this morning?
absolutely not.
but do we deserve them?
i’d say…
maybe?

~~~

being an actor is so weird
because not only are we
sharing intimate parts of
our selves/emotions/brains/pasts
and saying ‘hey, do you believe this
in a totally different context?’
we are also airing all our dirty laundry
out
for others’ entertainment
and hoping it’s cathartic
to both audience and us
(while still holding a piece
within our toolbox
just in case
we need it
again)

all the while,
those of us who have gone to school
for this
weirdness
have literally been graded
on things that
can be quite subjective
and we all just kind of had to
admit it
and accept it
and be graded
on our souls
(while being so young
we probably weren’t even connected
with the fullness
of those souls
quite yet)

(i know i, now, ten years later,
could still be more connected,
for my self and for my art.)

March 9, 2022

if i’ve ever said
‘i love you’
i still do.

if i’ve ever told you
we should meet up for coffee
and chat the day away,
i’ve actually meant it.

if you’ve ever meant a great deal to me
you still do.

time is a mortal construction
and isn’t linear.

i don’t have
‘friendship degradation mechanics’
and if we’ve had a falling out
i’ve told you so.

if we’ve simply drifted
apart
from one another
(over time or space or experiences)
just know
i think of you often
and if you were to reach out
to me
for that coffee/chat/catchup
i’d be on top of that opportunity
in an instant

but

i don’t know how other people work,
so i don’t say ‘hey’ out of the blue
when i really mean
‘you’ve been on my mind
my whole life
and i still think of you
as you were
at 11 or 16 or 22,
but i know people grow
and i’d love to see
how you’ve grown
because you are important to me
and i love hearing you tell stories,
and debating opinions on tv shows,
and getting to see inside your soul’
because that’s
~~too much~~
for some people
(and i don’t know if that’s the direction you’ve grown
so
i play it safe

and i say

nothing.)

June 16, 2021 (part 2)

when one is not plagued
by friendship degradation mechanics
a special vacation
to see old friends
can nearly immediately
feel abnormally normal
to the point where
you kind of forget
where you are
or how old you are
(or everything else that has happened these last few years
when folks ask how your life has been…)

~~~

driving
still equals freedom
but the freedom
explored
in the united states of america
isn’t really that free
(when was it ever?)

~~~

how are toddlers
both
straight up babies
and tiny real humans
at the same time?