connections/
connecting/
friendship/
words/
will i say the right thing?
will i do this the right way?
[you don’t need to keep auditioning
for your friendships]
connections/
connecting/
friendship/
words/
will i say the right thing?
will i do this the right way?
[you don’t need to keep auditioning
for your friendships]
maybe
seeing people!
(could be a couple weeks away,
could be months and months,
but at least it’s coming
soon-ish)
(and thank goodness
because i miss them all so much)
people
are so cute
when they know each other
and are friends
there is a relief
from being friends
with trans folks
i never have to worry
if they talk about me
what pronouns would be used
if there would be eye-rolls at a a correction
it’s just nice
to know
i’m respected
yesterday was a
good(?!?)
day
chores accomplished
things done
(ahead of time even)
friends talked to
(friends!
what a concept!)
and i hope
that this energy
positivity
whatever-y
lasts
just a few days longer
because man, i have so many things on my to-do list
that are just waiting for a day
when i feel like i have the mental stamina
to do them.
~~~
toaster strudels
toasted
iced
eaten
bagels
ordered
made
still waiting
for delivery
(to house and to mouth)
do we need two different breakfasts this morning?
absolutely not.
but do we deserve them?
i’d say…
maybe?
~~~
being an actor is so weird
because not only are we
sharing intimate parts of
our selves/emotions/brains/pasts
and saying ‘hey, do you believe this
in a totally different context?’
we are also airing all our dirty laundry
out
for others’ entertainment
and hoping it’s cathartic
to both audience and us
(while still holding a piece
within our toolbox
just in case
we need it
again)
all the while,
those of us who have gone to school
for this
weirdness
have literally been graded
on things that
can be quite subjective
and we all just kind of had to
admit it
and accept it
and be graded
on our souls
(while being so young
we probably weren’t even connected
with the fullness
of those souls
quite yet)
(i know i, now, ten years later,
could still be more connected,
for my self and for my art.)
if i’ve ever said
‘i love you’
i still do.
if i’ve ever told you
we should meet up for coffee
and chat the day away,
i’ve actually meant it.
if you’ve ever meant a great deal to me
you still do.
time is a mortal construction
and isn’t linear.
i don’t have
‘friendship degradation mechanics’
and if we’ve had a falling out
i’ve told you so.
if we’ve simply drifted
apart
from one another
(over time or space or experiences)
just know
i think of you often
and if you were to reach out
to me
for that coffee/chat/catchup
i’d be on top of that opportunity
in an instant
but
i don’t know how other people work,
so i don’t say ‘hey’ out of the blue
when i really mean
‘you’ve been on my mind
my whole life
and i still think of you
as you were
at 11 or 16 or 22,
but i know people grow
and i’d love to see
how you’ve grown
because you are important to me
and i love hearing you tell stories,
and debating opinions on tv shows,
and getting to see inside your soul’
because that’s
~~too much~~
for some people
(and i don’t know if that’s the direction you’ve grown
so
i play it safe
and i say
nothing.)
when one is not plagued
by friendship degradation mechanics
a special vacation
to see old friends
can nearly immediately
feel abnormally normal
to the point where
you kind of forget
where you are
or how old you are
(or everything else that has happened these last few years
when folks ask how your life has been…)
~~~
driving
still equals freedom
but the freedom
explored
in the united states of america
isn’t really that free
(when was it ever?)
~~~
how are toddlers
both
straight up babies
and tiny real humans
at the same time?
even more tired
this morning
than yesterday.
when’s the last time we stayed up
till past 2am?
i literally cannot remember.
we are the early-risers,
the morning people,
the dawn folk,
and yet
i come from the theater,
my job, my career, all my peers
are night owls
and as long as there are wide spaces between,
or at least an opportunity to nap
the following day,
it’s invigorating to feed off their energy
(and their Old Bay fries.)