i think i know what i’d like to do today
and that is
whatever my heart desires
follow the dopamine
November 27, 2024
birthday poems:
~~~
cotton candy coffee
for my birthday morning
and remembering the good things
that happened this year
[so next time i can only see
the terrible, i have something
to comfort me]
~~~
aging
in an age
where my own kin
are more likely to die
before this age
than i
simply because of the color of their skin
and their femininity called into question
and it aches in my whole
soul
to know
the hatred faced is meaningless
in the grand scheme of the universe
but the effects of suffering
very much
matter
in this day and age
where we have so much
what happened to humanity
that hoarding became more socially acceptable
than sharing
and giving
~~~
like a kid
on their birthday
here i am
on mine
trying
to follow the dopamine
and have a good time
but our puppy is sick
[though doing so much better!]
and there is so much pain and suffering
in the world
that’s about to get
a whole lot
worse
and i know if i
follow my own drive
and sense of self
i can do things
for me
while at the same time
following/providing
helping hands
for others
[all while battling the existential crisis
that is
turning 27 for a ninth time]
March 26, 2024
today is for following the dopamine
[while still contributing to society]
wear whatever makes your heart thump with joy
even if that’s cotton harem pants/
a t-shirt from Pride 2020/
an old grandpa cardigan/
and iridescent rainbow sparkle tennis shoes,
and listen to pump-up music
[hype instrumental mix
since the search function isn’t working
and i really just want to listen to
funk]
and write until you don’t want to,
and drink coffee whenever the spirit moves you,
and hydrate because you love it,
and maybe even bring a sewing with you to work
[or just go straight for the alphabetization—
you know how much you love that]
[even though it seems never-ending…]
and just go
with the flow
and row
to the hype-beat of your own
[whatever]
January 23, 2023
they always say
‘follow the dopamine’
‘follow the dopamine’
but what if the desired dopamine
only arrives for a minute at a time–
you get a huge rush
of desire
of want
of an activity you know will
feed your whole soul
but life (or whatever)
gets quickly in the way—
you have to feed the animals
or use the restroom
or simply finish the one task you’re on now
but that tiny fraction of time
that it took to walk to the supplies
to fulfill that rush
of dopamine you followed
was enough to make it all
disappear
maybe i should start listening to
the ‘faults’ of adhd-ers
and use them as a blueprint
or some kind of a script
because this here is–
this cycle of almost-but-not-quite spikes
of dopamine
followed by long valleys of grand depression–
this is unsustainable
and, frankly,
ain’t
it.
March 4, 2022
losing focus
abandoning poems
trying to find the dopamine
to follow
(
damn,
if i find it,
i give myself full permission
to follow
fully
)
February 4, 2022
man
these morning poems aren’t doing shit for me
and i’ve felt adrift since 2022 day three
and i thought i’d found where my serotonin was lost
but it turns out it was just capitalism in a silly mustache
and i tried for a while to follow the dopamine
but i guess that dopamine i followed wasn’t meant for me
so i suppose i could just succumb to the unconscious dreams of sleep
but naps give me less time to accomplish the day
but is it even day if the sky is so grey
and the haze of the rain pounds the panes in sheets
and this playlist slaps but sometimes too much too deep
and i’ve probably lost the rhyme scheme somewhere in this mush of words
but i push and i pull and i try to open new doors
but they scare me so much
i’m paralyzed
to the floor
so i guess i’ll write
and write some more
until i can pull up my feet
and walk outside
once
more.
September 7, 2021
find things to write
in the mundane
it’s in the big ideas
that get you overwhelmed,
you question word-choice
you panic about phrasing
your anxiety gets entirely in your way
to convey
the fullness of the subject matter
with delicate balance
between
accuracy
and
kind capacity
no matter the big subject
but you thrive in the little things
a whole sonnet about a cup of coffee
an ode to names and nicknames
silly little poems
ones that your spouse enjoys the most
ones that get the most “likes”
but i know you
(i mean, technically, i am you,
that is the whole point of this silly little poem,
i’m talking to myself
simply using the tactic of calling me ‘you’
so maybe, when i re-read it, it’ll feel like someone else is talking to me)
but, i know you,
i know that you contemplate the big subjects
you’re drawn to them
you can’t help but think of them
in fits and starts poetically
but also
the more i learn about mortality
the more i realize
there will never be a “perfect opportunity”
a day when all the stars align
and you’ll be able to churn out that “big poem”
in all the right words
and all the right phrasings,
but also,
there is something to say for practice
and following the dopamine
and writing what feels right in that moment,
so maybe that’s why
instead of writing about a big thing
or writing of the mundane
again today,
i’ve thought to write a letter
in poem form
to let you know
it’s ok
to write
what you’re feeling
in the moment…
(isn’t that the goal,
the whole ‘in the moment’ living?
right?)
August 16, 2021
construction
on the road
right out our window
and the dog is so scared
but so brave
and the cat couldn’t find half a fuck to give
and for me it just reminds me how lucky we are
to be able to afford a garage
inside which we stash our car
and to Kip
it just reminds them
about the last time there was construction
on the road
right out our window
and how they had to carry the dog
a block up and down
in order to get her to our car
in order to get her to the emergency vet
in order for her to act completely fine in front of the vet
and then have her come back again the following day
to be told exactly what Kip expected to be told.
but as for today
i think about tow trucks,
and reversing down roads,
and loud buzzing instead of beeping,
and jackhammers and how the dog will act at lunch when i have to take her out by myself,
and whether or not i’ll be able to/want to nap later today
and when i’ll feel fully rested again
(and how the last time i said that, i feel like i didn’t know what actual, persistent exhaustion was)
and how exhaustion in itself is probably very subjective
and at least we have this playlist
of loud horns
and louder drums
and apparently spotify calls it Nu Funk
but we usually just label it after our favorite bands of the genre
(perhaps the originators of the genre?)
Moon Hooch
and
Too Many Zooz
and i know Too Many Zooz used to perform in subway stations
in NYC
before we lived here
before there was a global pandemic
before
before before
before before before
(is the new labeling of time
going to include BC
Before Covid?
that would make sense
if we did anything to change
the capitalist hellscape
that preceded this global panini
but instead,
we just continued more of the same)
but we are in late-stage capitalism
so maybe we can actualize industrial collapse
and rebuild something kind and caring
from the ashes
of this atrocity
that is the American experiment
that i’d say worked really well for those it was intended for
(white upper/middle class, cis, straight, able-bodied men,
particularly those of monotheistic religious extremes)
and not at all
for literally everyone else.
ah, so this is what it’s like
to contemplate the morning
in Morning Pages Poetry
to follow each thread of thought
until it lets out into a new concept
a new process
a new subject matter to contemplate,
and
i suppose
this *might* be what they mean
when they say
follow the dopamine
?
kipventures 