doing twenty million things at once
i honestly don’t know if it’s good for me
or terrible
or i’m terrible at it
or even kinda ok to maybe good
but i can tell it’s kinda my default
[like chaos]
and maybe i should just find ways
to encourage what works
and have failsafes
for what
doesn’t
why
why
why must i keep waking up
in the 5:00 hour
when i don’t actually need to be getting out of bed
until 7am?
is it the sunlight? is it the stress? is it my body craving more time in the day?
is it the heat? is it the animals? is it my to-do list screaming me awake?
is it dehydration? overhydration? is it the caffeine coursing through my veins?
how much how much how much is my body in charge
vs. the external situation(s)
vs. me
seeing what i
do not want to see
and still seeing it
and still seeing it
and still
seeing
everything i’m trying to avoid
because i know
if i blind myself to all
bad
and suffering
and hardships
i’ll become
callous
and uncaring
and un-me
but there is a balance
there is a balance
there is always a way to live in compassion
but keep some compassion
for the self
[i just haven’t figured out my
own unique balance
yet]
working through what works best
for my distractable brain/
my undiagnosed, but probably ADHD brain/
my MaybeHD brain
finding new discoveries and tricks and impacts and randomness all the time
and it’s slowly feeling like
less and less of a lie when i
introduce myself and my needs as simply
“undiagnosed ADHD”
kipventures 