tummy aches last night
was it stress?
was it existential?
was it something i ate?
was it something i didn’t eat?
was it my sinuses and their dripping into my stomach?
or the meds i take for my sinuses
dripping into my
stomach?
i don’t know what it was
but it
sucked
scrolling the feed
social media and doom
and feeling the gloom of
what a world what a world what a world
reading the newspaper
and seeing only sensation
the worst things are what sell
what a world what a world what a world
listening to the hot gossip
and feeling not so great about it
and maybe the subject matter and the talk give me
what a world what a world what a world
what a world
i cry
what a world
i try to fly away from it all
what a world
i mean
i’d like to die
but that could just be the suicidal ideation talking
or it could be this world
what a world
what a world
it could just be
this world
and here’s the thing
i know
i know
i know the world
can be pretty great sometimes
the people
their actions
there’s compassion everywhere
if you know what to look for
but sometimes we get caught up thinking
what a world
that we forget
what a world
to take a moment
what a world
and forget
what a world
about the world
what a world
and concentrate
what a world
on those
what a world
immediately
what a world
surrounding us
what a
huh
these folks/animals/vibes are pretty nice actually
what a
kind
cozy
comfy
tiny
world
to do
to do
today
today
what to do today of all days
other than to trap yourself in your mind
and climb and climb into the hole of depression
hold that anxiety deep within me
and maybe
maybe
make it out the other side
someday
[that’s on my to-do list
for another day]
hold your breath
count to ten
and count to ten
again
breathing reminds you
you’re still alive
though you’ve spent your whole life
dying
to die
compose yourself
expose your insides
for art
for payment
for friendship
for funzies
for a dare
to anyone out there
who may feel the same way
[though it’s so lonely
in one’s own mind
it’s impossible to imagine
finding company]
wander around
while catatonic to the ground
and know
it’s all in your head
[which is somehow supposed to make it
easier]
[what do they know]
i wonder what i’d be like
free
from the depression
that so often
buries me
[would i even recognize
in a mirror
the person i’d see?]
two panic attacks
[or something like them]
in one month
after years of fair avoidance
i cannot tell if something is
going on
inside me
or if it simply the strain
of the external forces
of the world i cannot control
[but still affects us all]
or maybe
maybe
it’s the strain of january
of winter
when i can never see the light of spring
at the end of the proverbial
tunnel
just give me one crocus blossom
one sprig of green
not these mountains of slush-snow
and lows below zero overnight
i need something
something
something to keep me going
this has been the longest january i’ve seen
since wisconsin
december is really hitting me like
a ton of bricks
being transformed quickly into feathers
[i still have some bruises, and some pokes,
but all in all it’s the suffocating stuffing that’s
hitting me rather than the pounding of existential pressure, so
at least that’s…
different]
i got
a sudden sad
yesterday
appearing out of
[seemingly]
nowhere, bubbling up to my eyes
hot with unexpected tears
all of a sudden
filling
overflowing
dripping down my
sad sad face
as i searched for something
to take the pain even slightly
away
and my kip was there to hold me
[the only thing that ever truly helps]
and jiggle/wiggle me around
to make me laugh some of the tears away
and the puppy was there to nuzzle into my face
and dry up the dripped tears with her fur
and the cat was there
to confuse my sadness away
when she tried to lick the inside of my
recently emptied coffee mug
but later
kip was on the couch
slowly melting to prone
as the weight of the news
read from the phone
crushed them down
gravity invading their bones
until they couldn’t move anymore
and i had used up all my personal stock of
any sort of ‘light at the end of the
fascist
tunnel’ feeling to wipe my eyes
and continue the laundry that needed
to be done,
so i couldn’t be there for my kip
as they had just been there for me
experiencing the same sadness
i had just
felt
this is a horrible timeline
why can’t people
[in power]
just
be
kind?
what is this
existential nihilism that gossip gives me?
like the minute i’m not
part of the story
and instead invested in the lives of others
my own becomes ghosted
to the point of fading
out from the prime material plane
what use is my spirit
if the flame of my life
heats no one else’s hands?
[these are some silly metaphors
and even sillier phrasing for
a moment today when i experienced
true surprise at my own dealing]
not feeling the morning page poetry
this morning
but that doesn’t mean
i won’t do it
i mean
i continue to do this
every
single
morning
whether i’m in the mood or not
just to have something to do
just to have a habit to latch onto
just to have some proof
to say
‘i was here, i had thoughts and feelings and insights, too’
and maybe someone will read them soon
and maybe someone will read them in hundreds of years
and maybe
because they’re all digital
they’ll disappear into the ether
but
maybe the ether will get a kick out of all these poems
and they and the void can talk about me
behind my back
when i’m long long long gone
kipventures 