why
why
why must i keep waking up
in the 5:00 hour
when i don’t actually need to be getting out of bed
until 7am?
is it the sunlight? is it the stress? is it my body craving more time in the day?
is it the heat? is it the animals? is it my to-do list screaming me awake?
is it dehydration? overhydration? is it the caffeine coursing through my veins?
how much how much how much is my body in charge
vs. the external situation(s)
vs. me
i am so tired
i am so
damn
tired
i don’t want to do anything today
except nap
[except i have so much
so much i gotta do
today]
guess i gotta drink coffee
drink water
get started
and hope i have time for a nap
later
later
later
my body feels like it is
about to fall completely
apart
and i simply hope it stays together
for one [or two] more circus lessons
and an evening voiceover class
after all that
it is welcome to
fail
because friday is the day
i have a two hour massage booked
and hopefully
hopefully
hopefully
that can put me back together again
[or at least break my body apart
in such a way
that fitting myself back
goes the right
way]
feeling like i just want to fall asleep
and stay asleep
at any given moment
of any given day
and is it depression?
is it the exhaustion of an
active allergic reaction?
am i just a little bit less
energetic
than the average
person?
could it be something i’m not even thinking of
yet?
or do i just want to spend my days lost in my own imagination land?
[and
could i bring that imagination
into my own waking
writing
life
sometime?
soon?
please?]
ugh
just
ugghhh
~~~
the eyes itch
and the nose sniffs
and the exhaustion hits
and it may just be allergies
it’s probably just allergies
but it still makes me want to
cry for hours or escape into the night
or simply sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep
~~~
i will say
at least my allergist
seemed just as confused
and almost as frustrated
as i am
when he told me
i’m just a big
question mark
i cannot tell
if the emotional
or intellectual toll
is highest
for these
grand jury days
[but i am solidly
exhausted
at the end of the day
either way]
i don’t know what to write
[i don’t know how to write]
my brain has been sucked dry
and all that’s left is
stardew
valley
can i sleep
for a week
and regain my ability
to be a person
throughout a day?
so much i could be/should be doing
but i’m not doing
i’m not doing
instead i’m exhausted
i’m last-minute-ing
i can’t even tell if i’m
excited
or apprehensive
but i keep going
somehow
somehow
i keep going
and now we’re home,
and watching the outside cats
sniff/fight over/eat the food
i set out for them every morning,
and i have cold coffee next to me,
and speakers playing music,
and everything is back to how it should be —
and it almsot feels like this weekend
didn’t even happen
[but this utter exhaustion speaks
for the drive and time awake
and stress and overnights
in not-our-own-bed
and lack of routine
from this past
weekend
i guess it had to have happened]
kipventures 