ok
ok
yesterday and last night
were rough
were
depression
but this morning doesn’t feel nearly as
helpless
lifeless
hopeless
i hope it’ll stay that way;
i feel on a razor’s edge
and either side of me is
despair
[but hey, i’ve been taking tightwire classes, so
i should be better both physically and metaphorically
at balancing
here]
i still have a tendency to downplay things i’m excited about
to not get fully
actually
excited about them
because what if something happens
and i’m no longer able to do the thing
i was so damn
excited about?
the roller coaster of emotions
from so stoked
to so damn devastated
is one i’ve experienced
more times than i’d care to have experienced
it is an emotional roller coaster
that i do not
want to ride
ever again
but
isn’t part of living
experiencing emotions?
the good and bad and devastating
the excitement and disappointment
and even boredom
are all part of the human experience
and isn’t that all i’ve ever longed for:
an experience and an understanding
of being
human?
i so appreciate my kip
for being there with me
as i state
the state of my mind
and emotions
and they comfort
or support
or advise
as i need/ask
our communication has always been
one of my favorite things about us
for there will always be
times of stress, it’s how
we tackle them together,
on the same team, that counts
i keep so many things
stuck
huddled up
on the outside
hidden
on my sleeve
i think part of this reprieve
helps everyone but me
[how do i know what’s going on
in my own mind
if i can never find
the emotions and thoughts there?]
or
or
or
am i so disconnected
[head to heart to body]
that it seems like everything is external to me?
and if somehow
some way
i could simply connect
myself
to myself
i might see
all the emotions and thoughts
i thought i had hidden away
externally
they’ve all been part of me
this
whole
damn
time
[maybe]
sharing
is caring
but sometimes sharing doesn’t come
up right away, and needs years of
establishing trust and instincts and
rapport and a shared understanding of the world
sometimes sharing
needs to come after miles and miles of other
sharing
sometimes sharing doesn’t happen until
you’ve been married nearly
ten years
i scroll
and scroll
and scroll and scroll and scroll
and avoid looking at messages
because my soul aches with each plea
and i haven’t figured out yet
how to do
anything
really
music is so good
so important
so emotionally charged
and i
cannot handle that
[sometimes]
i know the steps i’d take
and the things i’d say
to be mean
but i never say or do them
they remain inside my mouth/my throat/buried deep inside my mind
and though those actions i’ve never taken
and i know i never will,
how come having those thoughts alone makes me feel like
the worst person who has ever lived?
[i know i know the point is
we cannot control our immediate reactions/thoughts/feelings,
but what we can control —
and what shows the merit of a person —
is how we act on them, but i guess i just want to be so good of a human
that i never have human feelings
ever]
writing my feelings away
while trying not to feel them
will never work,
but i have to drive hours and hours and hours today
maybe even through the rain
and it’ll be dangerous to do that with
tears in my eyes as well,
so i’ll try to express what i can express
and leave the true unpacking and analyzing
and feeling
for another day.
sometimes i hide inside myself
feeling like my feelings are infiltrators
unwelcome guests that i can block
out
like as long as i don’t think about a thing
there’s no possible way it can affect me
and the effects won’t come effecting
until i open my door and let them in
invite them to come, when i’m more levelheaded
and can see emotions from a more logical standpoint
but i should know better
about all of
that.
kipventures 