sharing
is caring
but sometimes sharing doesn’t come
up right away, and needs years of
establishing trust and instincts and
rapport and a shared understanding of the world
sometimes sharing
needs to come after miles and miles of other
sharing
sometimes sharing doesn’t happen until
you’ve been married nearly
ten years
i scroll
and scroll
and scroll and scroll and scroll
and avoid looking at messages
because my soul aches with each plea
and i haven’t figured out yet
how to do
anything
really
music is so good
so important
so emotionally charged
and i
cannot handle that
[sometimes]
i know the steps i’d take
and the things i’d say
to be mean
but i never say or do them
they remain inside my mouth/my throat/buried deep inside my mind
and though those actions i’ve never taken
and i know i never will,
how come having those thoughts alone makes me feel like
the worst person who has ever lived?
[i know i know the point is
we cannot control our immediate reactions/thoughts/feelings,
but what we can control —
and what shows the merit of a person —
is how we act on them, but i guess i just want to be so good of a human
that i never have human feelings
ever]
writing my feelings away
while trying not to feel them
will never work,
but i have to drive hours and hours and hours today
maybe even through the rain
and it’ll be dangerous to do that with
tears in my eyes as well,
so i’ll try to express what i can express
and leave the true unpacking and analyzing
and feeling
for another day.
sometimes i hide inside myself
feeling like my feelings are infiltrators
unwelcome guests that i can block
out
like as long as i don’t think about a thing
there’s no possible way it can affect me
and the effects won’t come effecting
until i open my door and let them in
invite them to come, when i’m more levelheaded
and can see emotions from a more logical standpoint
but i should know better
about all of
that.
lost
by the wayside
trapped
by the tears i cry
[a prison made of droplets
would be very asethetic
indeed]
at least there’s the smell
of cotton candy coffee
to bring me back to
this
reality
[whether or not that’s what i need
is not to be answered right now…
…probably]
i feel like this new day of a new week
is a whole new moment of a brand new life
i don’t know what it is —
maybe it’s the lack of upcoming stressors,
maybe it’s getting used to this
twenty-twenty-four
as we have it,
maybe it’s feeling confident in friendships,
maybe it’s feeling confident in circus,
maybe it’s because
kip
is no longer feeling
vertigo-y
or migraine-y
and i feel like we might be
past
the worst of whatever this is,
but
so
this feels so new/
so fresh/
so daylight/daybreak/break me out of my rut
even with the cold
even with the chill
even with the snow and ice still there on the ground…
maybe it’s artistic inspiration
flowing all over me,
maybe it’s puppies and cats
and 8 hours of sleep
[even interrupted
i’m pretty sure it counts up to that],
maybe i just forgot
all the reasons i have
to be sad —
whatever it is
i’m feeling
almost
glad
tired
inspired
driven
distracted
saddened
and suddenly
maddened
and then
a little
glad
and
that’s just what i can describe
of my emotions
this morning
no wonder i always come back
to
exhausted
i can hold
two things at once
inside
i can be
so joyful
so filled with pride
about the decade we’ve made it
together
against [some] odds
and i can be
swirling with emotions
that the solstice
opens up within me
the world is not black and white
indeed, the shades of grey are not all there is either–
this earth is filled with vibrant color all around us
and the sooner we learn to live with and within it
instead of against it
the closer our peace
will become
[this is not to say i’m fully there
prepared to tell you how to live your life
this poem is a reminder to myself
a coaxing and holding space
for all the strange feelings
that accompany living
and a compassionate share
with anyone else
who needs it as much
as i do
today]
kipventures 