emotions

March 29, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i keep so many things
stuck
huddled up
on the outside

hidden
on my sleeve

i think part of this reprieve
helps everyone but me

[how do i know what’s going on
in my own mind
if i can never find
the emotions and thoughts there?]

or

or

or

am i so disconnected
[head to heart to body]
that it seems like everything is external to me?

and if somehow
some way
i could simply connect
myself
to myself
i might see
all the emotions and thoughts
i thought i had hidden away
externally

they’ve all been part of me
this
whole
damn
time

[maybe]

July 28, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

sharing
is caring

but sometimes sharing doesn’t come
up right away, and needs years of
establishing trust and instincts and
rapport and a shared understanding of the world

sometimes sharing
needs to come after miles and miles of other
sharing

sometimes sharing doesn’t happen until
you’ve been married nearly
ten years

June 15, 2025

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i scroll
and scroll
and scroll and scroll and scroll
and avoid looking at messages
because my soul aches with each plea
and i haven’t figured out yet
how to do
anything
really

September 16, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i know the steps i’d take
and the things i’d say
to be mean

but i never say or do them
they remain inside my mouth/my throat/buried deep inside my mind

and though those actions i’ve never taken
and i know i never will,
how come having those thoughts alone makes me feel like
the worst person who has ever lived?

[i know i know the point is
we cannot control our immediate reactions/thoughts/feelings,
but what we can control —
and what shows the merit of a person —
is how we act on them, but i guess i just want to be so good of a human
that i never have human feelings
ever]

August 18, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

writing my feelings away
while trying not to feel them
will never work,
but i have to drive hours and hours and hours today
maybe even through the rain
and it’ll be dangerous to do that with
tears in my eyes as well,
so i’ll try to express what i can express
and leave the true unpacking and analyzing
and feeling
for another day.

May 25, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

sometimes i hide inside myself
feeling like my feelings are infiltrators
unwelcome guests that i can block
out
like as long as i don’t think about a thing
there’s no possible way it can affect me
and the effects won’t come effecting
until i open my door and let them in
invite them to come, when i’m more levelheaded
and can see emotions from a more logical standpoint

but i should know better
about all of
that.

March 21, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

lost
by the wayside
trapped
by the tears i cry
[a prison made of droplets
would be very asethetic
indeed]

at least there’s the smell
of cotton candy coffee
to bring me back to
this
reality

[whether or not that’s what i need
is not to be answered right now…

…probably]

January 22, 2024

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i feel like this new day of a new week
is a whole new moment of a brand new life
i don’t know what it is —
maybe it’s the lack of upcoming stressors,
maybe it’s getting used to this
twenty-twenty-four
as we have it,
maybe it’s feeling confident in friendships,
maybe it’s feeling confident in circus,
maybe it’s because
kip
is no longer feeling
vertigo-y
or migraine-y
and i feel like we might be
past
the worst of whatever this is,

but
so

this feels so new/
so fresh/
so daylight/daybreak/break me out of my rut

even with the cold
even with the chill
even with the snow and ice still there on the ground…

maybe it’s artistic inspiration
flowing all over me,
maybe it’s puppies and cats
and 8 hours of sleep
[even interrupted
i’m pretty sure it counts up to that],

maybe i just forgot
all the reasons i have
to be sad —

whatever it is

i’m feeling
almost
glad

August 2, 2023

/ HJ / Leave a comment

tired
inspired
driven
distracted
saddened
and suddenly
maddened
and then
a little
glad
and
that’s just what i can describe
of my emotions
this morning

no wonder i always come back
to
exhausted