no
no
it’s not
2025
just yet
don’t write it
don’t fret
don’t worry
quite yet
[how did i know, though?
how did i know?]
[was it just the association
with ‘project 2025’?
or did i have a view
into that future
year
and know
it would be a shit show
even before it
began?]
what a fucking stupid country
i’ll be eloquent tomorrow
today i just need to scream
~~~
that’s not true,
i’ll write today
because i’m too numb to just walk around —
my strength comes from feeling
but i can’t feel anything but frustration
for so many people who would vote against
their own self-interests
against their own inalienable rights
[i guess they’re kind of alienable now, right?]
i keep staring off into space
and getting lost in my own
worst-case scenarios
which all come back to the conclusion
“i simply don’t wish to be in this timeline”
which is especially strong, stemming from
“i’ve already live through this once — i thought we had learned.”
there’s a quote
in the miniseries Stakes
that’s part of the animated tv show Adventure Time
and it goes something like this:
[pause for me to find the complete quote, because i will]
the Vampire King asks Marceline:
“What’s the one thing you’ve noticed about the world since you beat me all those hundreds of years ago?”
to which Marceline replies:
“Everything repeats over and over again. No one learns anything because no one lives long enough to see the pattern, i guess.”
“But you’ve lived long enough.”
the Vampire King replies
and i kind of feel like i
have lived a thousand years
and seen the cycles and patterns repeating
over and over and over again
and am the only one who has learned
anything
[i guess it’s true what they say about studying history: you may not be doomed to repeat it, but you’ll be so frustrated as you watch everyone else repeat it that you lose all respect for humanity as a whole]
[i may be paraphrasing/adding to that, but the sentiment still stands]
~~~
i’m sickened
i’m scared
and i’m not even that frightened for myself — we’re in an overwhelmingly blue city
in the midst of a fairly solidly blue state
[and if New York were to secede, we’d be pretty
self-sufficient immediately]
i’m worried for all the folks who will be hurt
physically
emotionally
psychologically
from this egomaniacal walking talking cheeto
whose only desire
is to stay out of jail
and make himself more money
and the cult of hatred that follows him.
i wish i could believe in humanity
again/
ever
we already voted
but if you haven’t,
please do
for those too busy working multiple jobs
to put food on the table
for babies they never wanted
but were forced to have
for the trans children living double lives
in states that would rather have them die
than live their full, honest truth
around parents who may, eventually come around
but they don’t yet have that proof
for artists
and freaks
and everything that makes this country
what it is
which may not be great
[but it never was in the first place — we’ve had growing pains
for hundreds of years,
but each pang
is a way
towards equality
and equity
and not going back
please, don’t try to go back,
the future is where it’s at]
we already voted
and for one moment
i felt a slight relief from this anxiety
that has plagued me
for over a year now
so please,
vote for my Grandmama, who died from covid in 2023
[you know, after covid was “over”],
and vote for Palestinians
and the Sudanese
and the immigrants who listened to our statue of liberty
only to be met with hatred and libel,
please
exercise your right
while you still
have it.
i’ve been struggling
with ribs popping out of place
and muscle strain
and election anxiety
and generalized depression
and every time something feels
just a little too much for me
and i dissociate
and try to intellectualize
“why am i feeling this way?”
i just look around, and
there’s my answer.
i want to write about halloween
and spooky times
and how much i love
this time of year
but i’ve been dealing with deep dark fears
of genocide
and our complicity in it
and how that makes political fallout
even more extreme
and i just want a candidate i can believe in
or a system i truly think is working
but instead we’ve got
this
[whatever this is
in terms of an american experiment
that probably shouldn’t have been tried
and we should have just left this land
and its people
alone…]
but i’m here
this is a fact
and there’s an ethnic cleansing happening half a world away
that i can see as i scroll in my own warm bed
another fact
and the choice between two candidates
two sides
of the same coin
still factual
and yet
one would bring about fascism
much
much
much
faster
[he has stated this in his plans all along — facts]
so i’m actually
for real
scared
afraid
for my life and liberty
and no, i’m not overreacting
[my favorite time of year
has been ruined by election anxiety
and i can’t even feel that affronted
because so much worse things are happening
all over
everywhere]
so please
vote
my heart has been beating
louder
lately,
like it’s trying to remind me that i have anxiety
[as if i ever forgot]
like if it beats harder
it’ll keep away whatever haunts my waking nightmares
[as if that’s ever been true
for anyone
in history]
like my own hand is squeezing every last ounce
of a will to live
to breathe
to be
out of it —
the last reserves
until november
until perhaps genocides themselves die down
but what happens if / when / if
what i hope will be calming
does not come to pass, and instead fate
doubles my heart rate?
will it then cease?
will it then quit?
will it explode like it’s threatened to a million times over
or will it somehow beat louder
harder
faster
faster
faster
faster
faster
faster
is it more important
to be accurate
or to be
entertaining?
[and is it more important
to be a good leader
or to be
non-corrupt?]
these are the things i ponder
on election day
morning-
poetry
at four,
at five, at seven, at eleven,
i could always see myself
a few years into the future.
i don’t remember how many years, exactly,
nor do i remember if i was ever exactly right,
but i could always feel
my future
was solid
and that gave me
solace.
at 16, the images started to fade
my future seemed to stop after 18
everything felt unknown;
i had no visual to work toward,
no solid internal knowledge
that i’d even be present.
i spent the years leading up to 18 in an
anxiety-ridden daze
and my 18th, 19th, 20th years
in a kind of confused fog
another kind of daze
things were happening
but i hadn’t predicted them
i hadn’t had the insight
i was no longer one with myself
and unknowns are scary
(but somehow, i made it here)
i had a similar feeling about the direction of our country.
i wouldn’t say i predicted the presidential elections
(i still watched the results with baited breath,
and cheered as if i couldn’t believe it
when this white supremacist nation
somehow decided, in a landslide, that this half-black man from Hawaii
was “eloquent” enough to merit their time
and votes)
but i always had those “feelings.”
and even in 2016,
though i didn’t want it to be true,
i felt that we were getting complacent,
i felt that we were setting ourselves up for failure,
i felt that, somehow, this country thought it had done its “good deed” for the century
and now would show its true, horrid orange colors.
and i fell asleep that night knowing what other people didn’t want to admit
and i stopped reading the news
and i stopped listening to NPR
and i re-read Harry Potter throughout that first year,
imagining that we’d defeat the toupee’d Voldemort
through the sheer power of love.
but as this election approaches
i’m back to being 16, 17, 18
the future seemingly unwritten
and that unknown blankness
isn’t just scary because it’s unknown,
it’s scary because it’s either a future of
a political wave we may be able to hold accountable,
or a continuation of this fascist roller coaster
that half the country seems to be enjoying.
and i am struck to near inactivity
(that has nothing to do with my recent sprained ankle)
cuddled under blankets
my heart pounding louder and louder in my ears
as each hour ticks by
closer to the election
closer to the answer
that i still can’t foresee.
so, for the love of everything, vote.
vote like the color of your skin
increases the likelihood of traffic stops
and therein those traffic stops
increase in likelihood of fatality.
vote like your body is rejecting the fetus
you wanted so badly
and somehow your miscarriage
is now legally an illegal abortion.
vote like you’re me, ten years ago
health-insurance-less
because your depression isn’t quantifiable enough
to warrant a medical leave of absence from college.
vote as if you are looking directly into the eyes
of a child
inside a locked cage.
vote as if facts mattered.
vote as if you know the definition of
Separation of Church and State.
vote as if you still had some love in your heart.
[my heart is pounding
so hard
it’s loud
so loud
please let this be the pounding
of some remaining
love]
kipventures 