so interesting
that i’ve been on such a
space
kick
recently
like i’m so done with our world
and how we treat this planet
that i’m hopeful
out in space
at least
something
is different
[how dare billionaires get to explore interstellarly
when i’d like to do such
just to get the fuck
away from them]
half asleep
half awake
half in love with
half the people
here on half this earth
[though i love the whole planet
like i can’t get away from
my own desires, crying when i see
a single beam of sun
encroach over the horizon
of a view i’ve never seen in real life/
or simply the leaves of trees
i always see
but rarely really
look at
on my daily commute
using human infrastructure
and human pathways
to get to human-created endeavors
and human-built buildings
but right here
are magics
we could never
ever
ever begin to
develop on our own
without the pathways led to us
for us
from the
earth]
every
single thing
on this planet
is so fucking special
i cannot
cannot
get over it
[this could include
humans
and humanity…
does it?]
it’s so astounding how beneficial
the spring is to my
general
mood
i have literally been
hopeless
and helpless
for months
and then it warms up once
and i see a couple of green buds
on a couple of tree branches
and the sunlight hits
more and more of my day
and i say
“i can do this!”
i think
my “problem”
is that i have big picture
thinking
with tiny detail
brain
and that just makes everything
overwhelming
all the time
~~~
like
i can see the whole planet
and each conflict
and how the systems lead to suffering
and how it
literally
doesn’t
need
to be
this way
but instead of just thinking about the systems
i then ‘zoom in’ and see
each country
each family
each child
each breath of the earth
suffering
suffering
suffering
and i am stuck
because i don’t want to look away
for fear i’ve cheapened
their individual
suffering
and story
but it’s hard to hold
hundreds
thousands
millions
billions
of people’s individual narratives
in a brain trained to only concentrate on one’s own
so i panic
and breathe hard
and fast
and when the feeling has finally passed
there’s the guilt
there’s the guilt
and i know it’s all going to happen
again and again and again
~~~
so how in this world do i utilize
my big picture imagination and individual compassion
without falling into
obsession?
without falling into the chain reaction of
‘i’ve decided to help one thing/cause/person —
‘but wait, this other person has it worse/’
‘but wait, this other cause is more just/’
‘but wait, this other thing runs so much deeper
and has its tendrils in so many of the other
horrors of this world…’
how do i stop my decision paralysis
when it comes to helping
human decency?
[i honestly don’t know
do you?]
silly plant songs
tickling my brain like they
rooted themselves inside
and are using mycelial systems to
communicate with my own synapses…
and maybe that’s actually what the human population needs —
to get back to basics
[re]connect with different forms of life
and experience the nervous and fungal systems
for what they are — siblings existing on earth
together
apart
birds
distract
from writing
from trying
to get to know
the inside of my own head
maybe
they’re saying
‘get to know the earth
and the universe
first,
for “you” are just one part
of all’
the slow increase of volume
the rumbling to shuddering
greater and greater until the only logical expectation is
a violent crash
or a collapse,
and then to just
rumble back down again
into quiet
into nothingness —
all that’s left is my heart still echoing the great shuddering
because i’m not used to it
i’m not familiar
i don’t know what to expect
i don’t know if my house will continue to stand after this
nor after the second
but we’re all still here, and we’re all still fine —
and the memes are just
sublime
[my very first/and very second
earthquake]
it’s 8:30
and i’ve started my morning pages
[morning poems]
and i’d like a coffee, but i forgot to get one
and i’d like to water the plants, but it’s not time for that
yet
and i’d like to be known
but
i’d like to work outsides of the systems our society is based on
and working outside of those systems
is pretty much impossible
because everything is connected
just like everything is connected
to our Earth
here
and we just can’t stop things from going
the world from turning
the sun from rising and setting
and time from flying
and people from dying
and people from being born and born and born
and it sometimes feels so overwhelming
when you feel like the whole universe is in your mind
but turn it around
to the other side
you are one part of the universe
small
but
so
so
so
important
don’t hold things you don’t have to
let them go
and work for your little corner
of the great
connections
[we are all fractals of this planet]
i sit here
at my keyboard
wishing to hold the solstice
in higher regard
wanting a celebration
a consistent practice
an honoring of some kind
and i know,
i know,
that i have the ability to do so–
i have the calendar
and adult wherewithal
and resources
to make this happen–
but i feel trapped
by the depression
that anticipates
the worst
of time flowing by
instead of celebrating
our earth still turning
my lungs still breathing
our days still day-ing
until they
no longer
do
i am far away from my native lands
both in space
and in time
but i am native to the Earth
and i do have a land that raised me
that moulded me
as i trudged and trotted along
creeks
and fields
and farms
and forests
paying little to no attention
to human intervention
but instead lost in my own imagination
speaking for two, three, five, ten at a time
plays and stories and series in my mind
and the dirt never betrayed me
and the insects never bit more than i could handle
and the animals provided distraction
when i hit an imaginary interpersonal problem
and everything i saw/heard/touched/tasted/smelled
informed my curiosity
and invited me back
day
after
week
after
month
after
season
after
year
i wish i could go back today
but i don’t know how it’s changed
and i’m scared of feeling betrayed
by my own damn species
(or having it seem exactly the same,
and overwhelmed by how much
i’ve changed)
but
i’ve taken on this land
as my new home
and learning as i am
about kinship and the land and more-than-human persons
i’d like to care for this portion of the Earth
as the Earth
once cared
for me
kipventures 