dogs are so good

April 20, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

there is a Louka
in my heart and mind
because she can no longer be here
by my side

and there might be a little Louka
ghost around this house
running around, causing creaks,
making this space feel less of loss

and we believe there is a Louka
up in dog heaven
who took bits of both her kips
with her for forever

and i know there is a Louka
in each person she met
each heart she touched
and then made melt

though there may be no more
Louka physically here
i don’t think i’ll ever spend a day
without her soul near

April 19, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

trying to write
and failing
because there’s so much convey
it makes the tears start falling
is way more off-putting
than
trying to write
and failing
because you just can’t think of anything to say

[i love you forever, Louka]

April 18, 2022

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i want to write
a poem
an ode
a full on epic
about our lives with Louka
(the best dog in the entire universe)

but i think
tonight
i just need to be honest
and grieve
our loss
and picture our version
of Dog Heaven
where Louka can run wild and free
with the pieces of us that are missing
with her now gone from this world…

April 17, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

these past few days/
hours/
minutes
haven’t really taught me anything

but they have given me
tear-lined cheeks,
waves of grief,
extra time with dog,
laughter and memories and panic attacks and sleepy fog,
bravery
and
strength
and
the gentleness louka always showed us
and thankfulness
that it was only a few days of clear suffering

April 16, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

a stress
a moment before we deal

a fear
a breath, a poem, and a sip of coffee before we head out

to the emergency vet (are we familiar faces yet?)
and hope for the ‘best case scenario’
(which is still a tumor)

the problem with having a dog
who already doesn’t get excited by food
is that decreased appetite
isn’t the same shocking warning sign
as it is for other
families

March 24, 2022

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the dog hasn’t been eating much
and though it might be
old age/
picky taste/
boredom/
sensitive teeths
it could also mean she’s
depressed

(which,
like,
we can barely keep our own depressions
from swallowing us whole,
how can we care for
another being’s mind-demons???)

but
i digress

if Louka is depressed
i’ve decided to do my best
to make her just a little bit
happier

so yesterday
we went on a long, long walk.

i let her lead the way,
and barring standing in the middle of the road,
she was our guide.

through the meandering side-streets
of the north bronx
we were intrigued by smells off of a sports field,
scared off by loud subway sounds,
befriended by a neighbor-acquaintance
(and Louka received many treats
for her good ‘sits’ and ‘high-fives’),
and after we’d walked with them for a bit
we bid adieu
to explore a new street,
a new space,
we’d never been before–

and suddenly
in the midst of a mostly barren
chain-link fenced-in yard
stood a small, plastic bull
at attention
ready to fight

and Louka was ready as well

she sniffed
and stared
and stood her ground
until

a play bow!

a small, playful growl!

a fully formed play bark!

her tail wagged a staggering pace,
her hops and leaps and bounds
unbounded by her
skinny, old-dog frame

as she desperately tried to coax this
non-dog,
non-living,
little plastic bull
to play with her
(a dog who never plays,
not with toys,
or humans,
or even other dogs
unless forced to,
and even then…)

and i watched,
delighted,
damn near crying
because she’s been so sad
so lonely
so tired
so much less energetic
over the last few weeks/months/years

and i saw there a full puppy
happy dog tail
happy dog bounce
happy dog
play

acting like a puppy

(and on National Puppy Day!!!)

so maybe there is hope
and help
for our dog’s depression

and maybe
just maybe
that means the humans’ depressions in this house
might be lessened
just a bit
too.

December 21, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

if you ever have a dog
with the dizzies
(the vertigo)
(the nausea)
(the old dog disease)
(the canine idiopathic vestibular disorder)
know that you can help your dog
replenish her fluids
with ice cubes
(or at least
it’s a little easier
than bringing a bowl of water to her
that she continually,
uncoordinatedly,
backs away from
in fear)

know this, so that you may be able to give your dog plenty of water
within that first 24/48 hours,
rather than being like us
and struggling for each droplet
in rubber bowls and silver spoons and white dishrags on plates
and not thinking of ‘solid water’ until
day three.

signed,
the kips

August 10, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

with Louka
all ‘old dog’ ill
we’ve been sleeping on the couch(es) downstairs
to make sure she’s alright
through the night,
and also to be close by
to sense
if she might need
to go outside at 12, 1, 2, 3 in the morning
(which has happens more times than we’d like)
and i feel like our low-key exhaustion,
the whole not actually sleeping through the entire night,
the aches and pains from couch-sleeping,
this whole ordeal
is mimic-ing
infant child-care
not to the point where i believe it 100% is exactly the same,
but to the point where, in the past, i’ve listened to stories
of tired parents
discuss how they’re just always tired,
it’s a fact of life that they never sleep through the night,
and i’ve thought to myself, “i don’t know if i could do that…
i’ve suffered from such insomnia in the past
my sleep is sacred now,
and on the off-chance i’m actually in a bout of semi-good sleep,
to have the cause of an un-restful night be not my own brain,
i’m unsure if i could stop myself from being resentful,
and i know i’m my best when i get 7-8 hours of sleep,
or a night or two of less than four,
but these parents are talking about a near year of 3-5 hour nights
and i just don’t think
i can.”
but this experience,
this mimic-ing,
it’s taught me
that when one is the caretaker
of a being they love without conditions
lack of sleep isn’t really that big of a deal,
and (similar to how i survived high school)
there’s a certain point where exhaustion
just becomes your daily natural state
and you just
kind of
deal.

July 23, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i can’t seem to make my fingers type,
my brain to process,
my mind to wake up,
my body to…do anything but crave coffee.

i passed the 100th day of writing daily poetry
and of course i forgot all about it
in favor of writing a poem that was relatively mundane,
but also full of hope and potential and change
and, ultimately, relatability.

i assumed i’d write about the 100 days
(and subsequent forgotten anniversary)
the following day,
the one hundred and first day,
look back on the full hundred days,
look forward towards two hundred and sixty four more
but Louka needed us
badly
yesterday
so we were with her,
and my only poem was an invocation
a hope
that everything would be okay.

while it’s not perfectly okay now,
it’s not terrible.
still scary
for all of us,
but it’s not a stroke,
it doesn’t seem neurological,
and we’ll continue sleeping on the couch next to her
and carrying her up and down our fourth floor Brooklyn walk-up
for as long as we all need.

because
our dog
is the goodest dog,
she is,
and we would do anything and everything for her,
including buying a house.

July 22, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i wish
i could say
to my dog
‘it’s okay,
i’m here to help you,
i won’t let anything bad happen to you ever again’

i wish
i could say
to my dog
‘it’s okay,
the loud noises on the street
that you can’t see with your cataract eyes
aren’t here to hurt you at all.’

i wish
i could say
to my dog
‘it’s okay,
your legs are just asleep,
if you let me hold you and massage your hips
and give it time
you’ll be back up to acting like a puppy in no time’

but she doesn’t understand
foolish english
so, instead, i use calming tones
(and dog-calming music)
and gently smooth her fur
while murmuring
‘it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay…’
and hope that gets the idea across.