stop
getting distracted
by internet things
stop
distancing yourself from life
with silly video games
stop
avoiding things you actually want to do
by half-assedly doing basically any [and every] thing else
why can’t you just do
what you actually
truly want to do???
i’m so curious
if it’s a universal experience
to have a tiny internal voice
constantly telling you all the things
you’ve done wrong
or just are
that are wrong
day in and day out
and as one grows, it doesn’t go away
it simply is able to be drowned out a bit more
and a bit more
with the experiences and knowledge and
voices of loved ones
or if that’s only a universal experience
of those of us with depression and/or anxiety
thoughts?
a wave of a big sad
is threatening to crash down
upon me
and i’m just standing
here on the beach
waiting
waving back
not prepared
but still aware
it’ll hit
and then i may be
pulled
away
from the safety of the shore
[but i do love oceans
and maybe there’s something there
to explore?]
ok
ok
yesterday and last night
were rough
were
depression
but this morning doesn’t feel nearly as
helpless
lifeless
hopeless
i hope it’ll stay that way;
i feel on a razor’s edge
and either side of me is
despair
[but hey, i’ve been taking tightwire classes, so
i should be better both physically and metaphorically
at balancing
here]
perhaps
i’m not as dissociative as i have always/often concluded i am
perhaps
i’ve been in the moment this entire time
and it’s a coping mechanism
to convince myself
i’m not
like it’s a coping mechanism
to pretend you are over
love
when all we have is love
when all we are is love
i’m feeling
a
type
of
way
and i don’t necessarily know
what type of way that is
but at least i know why
change
and staying the same
change is
show ending
kip starting a brand new job
[that, granted, is not in france
but still, a big change]
change is
going back to things
circus
friendships
that may have paused
while i was so damn busy
change is
fixing up the house into something i
might want to make [and perhaps film]
physical projects inside
[and make room to have it so that
kip feels at home in our home
as well/still]
and staying the same is
having a mess
as usual
and being too open for my own damn good
and not knowing how to interact in social
[and non-social] situations…
i wish there was an instruction manual for living
[but, let’s be honest, would i follow it?
or would i deem it too ‘societally normative’ and
literally and/or figuratively throw it out the window
or
or
would i want a societal manual just to decide
what is for me and what is not?
and that begs the question
even if i read
and intended
to follow, would i actually be able to
or would i still fall back into
what i know/feel best
which is how i act
and i just am who i am
and that’s all that i can be
and i needn’t be worrying myself so
about all of this?]
and the conclusion of this poem is that
change happens
and sameness happens
and there are no instructions for life because
we are all just who we are
and that is all we [probably] ever will be
and that is ok.
i feel like i’m coasting
sliding around in
almost-depression-land
and i can’t tell what’s
keeping me relatively afloat —
is it having theatre again?
is it my kip? my cat? my dog?
is it my brain chemistry/hormone levels finally calming and settling?
is it the summer heat?
or the summer sunlight?
is it the medication whose only job is to keep the depression from overtaking me?
is it some combination of all of these?
but it’s so strange to feel
the slippery sliding that usually means
an approach to a worse and worse time
but then feeling overall mildly okay
perfectionism kills
it kills creativity
it kills enthusiasm
it kills hope
and it kills souls
[if only my own words had any impact
on the chemicals in my brain that scream
‘that is true for everyone BUT you —
you are the one person for whom
perfectionism matters
MORE, it is
LIFE
OR
DEATH
and you MUST BE PERFECT
to survive…’]
scrolling the feed
social media and doom
and feeling the gloom of
what a world what a world what a world
reading the newspaper
and seeing only sensation
the worst things are what sell
what a world what a world what a world
listening to the hot gossip
and feeling not so great about it
and maybe the subject matter and the talk give me
what a world what a world what a world
what a world
i cry
what a world
i try to fly away from it all
what a world
i mean
i’d like to die
but that could just be the suicidal ideation talking
or it could be this world
what a world
what a world
it could just be
this world
and here’s the thing
i know
i know
i know the world
can be pretty great sometimes
the people
their actions
there’s compassion everywhere
if you know what to look for
but sometimes we get caught up thinking
what a world
that we forget
what a world
to take a moment
what a world
and forget
what a world
about the world
what a world
and concentrate
what a world
on those
what a world
immediately
what a world
surrounding us
what a
huh
these folks/animals/vibes are pretty nice actually
what a
kind
cozy
comfy
tiny
world
to do
to do
today
today
what to do today of all days
other than to trap yourself in your mind
and climb and climb into the hole of depression
hold that anxiety deep within me
and maybe
maybe
make it out the other side
someday
[that’s on my to-do list
for another day]
kipventures 