i’m so curious
if it’s a universal experience
to have a tiny internal voice
constantly telling you all the things
you’ve done wrong
or just are
that are wrong
day in and day out
and as one grows, it doesn’t go away
it simply is able to be drowned out a bit more
and a bit more
with the experiences and knowledge and
voices of loved ones
or if that’s only a universal experience
of those of us with depression and/or anxiety
thoughts?
ok
ok
yesterday and last night
were rough
were
depression
but this morning doesn’t feel nearly as
helpless
lifeless
hopeless
i hope it’ll stay that way;
i feel on a razor’s edge
and either side of me is
despair
[but hey, i’ve been taking tightwire classes, so
i should be better both physically and metaphorically
at balancing
here]
perhaps
i’m not as dissociative as i have always/often concluded i am
perhaps
i’ve been in the moment this entire time
and it’s a coping mechanism
to convince myself
i’m not
like it’s a coping mechanism
to pretend you are over
love
when all we have is love
when all we are is love
i wish i could just
relax into knowing
i know something
but instead the anxiety decides
to show up right at that moment
and “release” me from feeling
good about
anything
and instead
i feel
stupid/foolish/in over my head/a fraud
a straight up, full on imposter
how will i ever feel
like i’ve achieved
anything
if this is what my brain chemistry
does to me
every
single
time?
i want to hypnotize myself
into actually trying
full out
when i want something
rather than shooting myself in the foot/
ripping the rug right out from under me/
doing other things to ruin my chances
because…why?
because i somehow still believe i don’t deserve good things?
because i’m scared to committing to one thing
and believe that means i’m cutting off options
for any other possibility in my potential life?
because i am still not convinced that all of this is really real?
those are all terrible reasons
and i still can’t convince myself
with my conscious/logic brain
to make my subconsciousness
stop destroying all my chances
[that’s why i need so many
non-pressurized hobbies —
because the minute they matter
i
implode
]
kipventures 