death

April 5, 2026

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i live my life based on the philosophy
i read in a tumblr post
once

the long and short of the text was that
after your were finished with a life
you got to what you thought were the pearly gates
of heaven
or hell
or limbo
or wherever
and you started to see,
though there was no one else there,
that you’d been here before
thousands upon millions upon billions of times
and it was revealed that you
are and were and would be
everyone

and every time you had been mean
you had simply been being mean
to a former [or future] iteration of yourself

and every time you had been kind
or received kindness
that was you
and you and you
all along

and it’s not that i can only thing about
the consequences of cruelty
or the benefits of kindness
if it is in relation to my own being

no

what got me about that philosophy
was the idea that
everyone around me
was so much closer than originally thought —

i spend so much time thinking i’m
a complete alien to the rest of the human race, that i
will never understand what someone is going through
and they certain will never even try to see
what’s going on in my mind,
and everything
everyone
seems so damn foreign
and far, far away
and even when i think about
the interdependent web of all existence
there’s still a distance
i place between myself and my fellow [hu]man

but that one silly little tumblr post

it made my neighbor
and my ancestor
and the writer of the book i’m reading
and the anchor of the news show i’m fearing
and the baby in front of me
and the octogenarian on the other side of the world
and literally everyone in between
it made them all seem so much closer to me
in a sense of peace i had never before experienced

so i know that it’s probably not true

but what if it is?

and i tend to live my life based on “what ifs”
[as long as they don’t hurt anyone]

and this particular “what if” has the tendency
to encourage
the opposite

so maybe think about it

or search out that og post
[it’s actually a pre-written short story called the egg by andy weir,
i just came across it on tumblr one day
as you do]

because i think it’s worth
the philosophizing
and the comfort
and the hope
it brings

January 27, 2026

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when lying on your deathbed
with your last breath
you can’t take it with you —
power accrued
wealth amassed
bodies stylized
any of that

what stays with you is
love
and
your acceptance of self

i’ve seen the love in a room
carry a soul
to whatever comes next

and i know when i die
i may have some small regrets
but you’ll never find me regretting
the person i’ve become

so what
is the point
of what so much of humanity
has

done?

October 20, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

words are unworthy
of the emotions of tragedy

they cheapen the expanse of feeling
to two-dimensional digestion
for others’ entertainment

but words are all i have
and my brain tends to forget how to feel
in these moments anyway

so while my mind starts in on the journey
of comprehension
before my heart catches up
(which’ll be in a day or two or three
i expect)
i’ll say the only words
that keep coming up
and up again

i hope (and believe) you knew you were so loved
and say hello to Lynnette for all of us, please
and we still believe
in The Power
Of Good

March 23, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

working from what is best
best for me
best for my brain…

there are dozens (hundreds?) of poems
that never got to see the page of day
the poetry blog where all these have run off to
and some of them, yes, they are simply me
trying to wake myself up
vibe myself into the rest of the day
figure out what in the heck
my brain
is even doing
at any given moment

but some are
objectively
*good*
they just didn’t fit with the other poems for that day
or they’re too personal
and i just
cannot
i can’t have that out in the world
at least not on the inter-webs.

it’s like
i’m still that open book
with pages ripped out
and stuffed in my back pockets
or otherwise eaten
digested
you’ll never see them

(and it still surprises
even me
what things i’m willing to be so open about
and what i’m not,
and i think it has a little bit to do with what’s still affecting me
hardcore
and what makes sense to affect me
this hard
this long;
and
yeah
that’s all

[i was going to give examples
but like i said
already digested])

~~~

the blank toe tag
waves in the
non-existent breeze
hanging off of our
plastic skeleton
(named Barnaby)
and i know that there probably is a breeze
it’s probably the hot air from the radiator
just beneath
but still
i like to imagine
ghosts
messing with our deathly decoration aesthetics
as if to say
‘it’s/we’re
closer than you think!’

~~~

i feel like i could turn that first poem
into something more,
something bigger,
literally
solely
from that last stanza
there is a pace and flow and rhyme and feel
that gives slam poetry
that gives life to the creative in me
that gives me reason to keep going
to keep flowing
to maybe not post that today
but to perfect it
and bring it back
(or
who says i need to refrain from posting
in order to play?)

(fuck it, let’s post all three)

December 4, 2021

/ HJ / 1 Comment

the fourth

the fourth the fourth the fourth
not even the day of her death
but her birth
so why does it hurt
like it’s 2001
and she doesn’t get to turn
40?
why does it hurt
like two years later i dreamt
she re-appeared, so full of life,
explaining it had been a test
to see how strong
i was?
why does it hurt
like i haven’t talked
and talked and talked and talked
in therapy
to partners
to my other parent
and parental figures
and myself
and even at her
about loss
and mourning
about denial
and anger
and bargaining
and depression?
but apparently i’ll never fulfill all the steps
because it hurts
and hurts and hurts and hurts

[and not every fourth is like this
but this one,
it hurts.]

June 23, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

another adventure
another setting out
this time for something
not quite as happy
but hopefully fulfilling
and connecting
and kind.

~~~

there are studies
that show
the earlier you deal with death
the better
(or so much worse)
you are at handling any death
as an adult.

i solidly fall into the second category,
my brain short circuiting whenever death is present
whenever someone is grieving
my go-to comfort is
to leave them alone.

but when you’re not a pre-teen
figuring out exactly what you need,
most folks would opt for connection
for a few words of comfort
not alone time.

so
after months of watching back episodes of
“Ask a Mortician”
and
reading her books
and
listening to her podcast
i’ve figured out a better way of dealing with death:

i ask the grieving person
what their favorite memory is of their loved one.
i specify they don’t have to share with me,
(but i’d be happy to hear if they choose),
but to simply think of their favorite memory.

i’ve only had two opportunities to use it so far,
but both felt connective,
kind,
and i felt useful
(all i really want to feel anyway)

so,
anyone grieving,
(or having gone through grief),
what’s your favorite memory of that person?

~~~

our dog
staring at her food
for minutes upon minutes
as if she’s having an existential crisis

(what a way for the universe to show us she belongs with us)

May 6, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

it’s ok
it’s ok
it’s ok to not write a poem just yet
about reframing the story
around death
to create closure.
this is ok
to sit with
in your heart
for a while
just you and your
thoughts/memories/emotions/
stories
living each day,
getting to know how to live
with closure
(even if it feels fake at first)

i know you don’t feel like you deserve
closure
acceptance
to go on
but remember
you were just a kid,
a damn kid,
it doesn’t matter if you think
every child is ‘truly innocent’
or not
they are children
their brains are not fully developed
they don’t know how to fully deal
with death
you
were just a child
your
brain was not fully developed
you
didn’t know how to fully deal
with death
with all that death
that loss
it doesn’t matter if you think you deserve closure
now
don’t you think you,
child you,
eleven and fifteen year old you
deserve some sort of
closure?
acceptance?
healthy relationship with self?

something?