this illness
it lingers
long past
we’re done with it
why won’t it just
leave?
~~~
the tiredness
too
it’s still here
when i’d rather
it not
~~~
how is it that
some of my best work comes
when i’m so tired
i’m losing consciousness
but this
low-grade
continual
sleepy feeling
isn’t enough to make
the magic
happen?
wake up
feel like crap
maybe write
maybe break your fast
with coffee or tea or bagels or nutella toast
go back to sleep
the subtle rise and fall of the last few days
with the in-between of my focus remained
upon a time when i can once again
feel like a fully fleshed-out human being
i feel:
lost
sick
tired
too awake
antsy
like the whole damn struggle bus
bored
hungry
embarrassed
like life is passing me by
such are the times/experiences/words
when the plague
finally hits you and your spouse
and neither of you are very good
or patient
patients
~~~
this isn’t to say
we’ve got it all that bad
from what we’ve seen of the outside world
of the overcrowded hospitals
and makeshift morgues
i’d say we’re this side of great
but that doesn’t negate
our experiences
our feeling of loss and lost
and struggle to be ourselves again
and when
my stress relief is reliant on physical ability
the exhaustion takes over
and i’m just
‘blah’
i suppose i’m trying to encapsulate
a moment
in time
without stepping over
others’
experiences
with so
so
so much worse
~~~
and
today
feels like spring-summer
and i know
i probably
won’t feel up
to feeling it
in all its
glory
[another form of loss]
i hate
hate
hate
being sick
time stops making sense
daytime naps and nighttime coughing fits
food tastes awful
but my stomach starves for it
the days take so long
but nothing gets done
and liquids
fluids
anything wet
imbibed continually
till my system’s flushed out
and i know
it won’t be over
tomorrow
ugh
split attention
books on audio
poetry on iPad
fevers and coughs and naps and care/on beds and floors and couches…
COVID finally this this house
(but only one human shows it)
we are now
well into
the third year
of living in new york city
and though i’m not where i thought i’d be,
the whole world isn’t where it thought it’d be
either.
the pandemic has really taken the onus
off my own head
for what i wanted to accomplish
when i got here,
and redirected my aims
not lower
just sideways-er,
from theatre/circus/maybe film
to voiceover/film/maybe circus
(and a little activism in there
because how could you not be
when looking at
this world)
and theatre…?
who knows what will happen
within this third year
(within these next few months/weeks/days)
but i do know that
governmental policies (or lack thereof) really left the public
out in the cold
at the very beginning
of this whole ordeal
and haven’t been able to rectify
that harm
(nor have i seen much in the way of trying)
and i shouldn’t have expected any better
but man
do i want
to trust
that people
will do the right things,
but power seems to corrupt
even the
best of us…
but
i was talking about
living in new york city
and my life here
(or lack thereof)
and all i have to say is,
though i don’t think i ever really got
the ‘true’
living in nyc experience,
i still suspect
i couldn’t live
anywhere
else.
wow…
things that used to be
oh so
“normal”
really are looking
absolutely bonkers
now.
i went into a Barnes and Noble yesterday
and, as a friend stated,
it was unnaturally normal.
the stacks were all stacked,
sales, clean shelves, bright lights,
like they had just shut down regularly one night
and opened the next day with everyone wearing masks.
and i bought too many books
(potentially to make up for my spouse not being there;
our usual date night: book shopping)
and we still had our membership active
(as if the last year and a half on pause hadn’t even happened)
the normalcy
is throwing me
eating under an umbrella at a bar/grill,
pushing strollers through outdoor malls,
playing on communal playgrounds…
don’t misunderstand me,
i am fully vaccinated,
and i am aware of how the virus spreads
and the evidence of safety in small outdoor gatherings,
and i am beyond grateful for how things have worked out
and that i finally get to hug my friends tight
(touch being my romantic and platonic love language)
but i’ve lived a year and a half in unknowns
(we all have)
of trying to be as careful as possible and then some
knowing not everyone “believes” in this clearly observable fact,
this virus killing thousands (and leaving more with irreversible repercussions)
so i am used to being overly cautious
and this exploration into ‘normal’
…i am absolutely waiting for the other shoe to drop.
my Fauci Ouchie
(parts one and two)
were (side-effect-ly) uneventful.
my kip’s, however,
were sore arm
and fever-reactive
(part one and part two
respectively)
and i wonder what my immune system
does
is
to make it so strong
(how for every cold/flu/illness
kip gets
i get half of them,
and even then
at half the intensity)
but at least
we are both doing our
due diligence
to not get this terrible,
horrible,
no good,
dirty,
bad
virus
that is still
technically
at loose.
did some things
yesterday
this morning
just now
will continue to do things
as the day goes by
(a nice thing about holidays
when you’re still placing caution
from The Virus™
before familial or friendship
hangouts)
and the accomplishments
of cleaning
and organizing
can breathe new life
into this small box
and make it
more like
home.
kipventures 