circus

August 26, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

it’s hard
to just life your life
when you look at everything
through the eyes of
an external narrator

when i just want to
have the experience of
surprise
say
or even sadness and grief,
my brain fills with the descriptors:
“their eyes widen in surprise”
“tears leak down their cheek, while they ponder
a long life well lived”
or even
“the pang of depression had lessened, but the grip was still tight
on their heart,
shoving it down
towards the depths of their insides
causing a pain
they didn’t even know
was possible”

do you see?
i’m frustrated with my own experience
because i’m constantly trying to describe it
for others
for my own narrative structure
to get the external markers just so
for the script/film adaptation, too
and i find myself unable to just experience
the experience.

perhaps that’s why i’m drawn to the two extremes
of hobbies-
the one that takes up every single ounce
of mental and physical awareness,
and the one where you do the same thing
over and over and over again
till it because just a background motion,
a memory of the muscles,
a pattern rather than an activity.

and maybe someday i’ll be able to feel things
experience life
without describing it
but for now…
i circus
and i embroider
and i write to try to find my medium
my in-between,
wherever it may be.

August 7, 2022

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an ode to circus bruises

you browngreygreenpurplebluesometimesred
indication that a new skill has been unlocked
and unlocked
and unlocked again
continued practice making more marks
but eventually
in a week
or two
or month
or so
you’ll fade to skin
and the skill will be rote
and the bruises no longer pop up
because my body
now knows
that pose

and on to the next one

July 31, 2022

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audiences
are integral
to a performance

i wish it wasn’t so,
but it sure is.

so, if the audience’s energy
is lively,
is loving the show,
is literally having the time of their life–
the performer(s) will, too.
one hundred percent.

i usually tell new performers
(especially in circus)
to enjoy themselves on their apparatus–
the audience will respond to that enjoyment
and enjoy themselves,
and that energy from the audience
will encourage the performer,
who will send their energy back to the audience,
for a kind of reciprocal feedback loop
of joy.

but i often neglect
(on purpose)
the very real instances
of audiences being super low energy:
not responding to any energy from the performer(s);
or being weird:
responding in unexpected ways
that throws the performer’s energy off–
because you have to be a well-seasoned performer
to pick that kind of energy out
consciously
(but even novices will be able to tell
that something
is simply
‘off’)

June 10, 2022

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i suppose the reason
i’m so damn nervous
about this upcoming performance
is because it’s the only one.

i can overthink
and over prepare
and over-wrack my nerves
because i’m not at the point
yet
where performing is just
my way of life

(it doesn’t help
that this is the first live one
since before the pandemic,
so the pressure
mounts
immeasurably)

February 25, 2022

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amidst the attacks
on trans kids’ care
and Ukraine
and the continued unfounded laxations
on policies meant to keep us safe and healthy
and, of course, the never-ending attacks of
those of color in this country
(particularly those Black in this country)

amidst all this tragedy and infuriation and chaos yesterday
i achieved a personal best,
an achievement,
a goal i’d thought unattainable,

and i need to remind myself that i’m allowed to celebrate that.

i can celebrate and mourn,
i can celebrate and call to action,
i can celebrate and take action,
i am not required to fix the world
before i work on my silly little circus moves

in fact

working on my silly little circus moves
is what gives me the strength to do all i need to for the world…

without circus,
without celebration,
without exercise and investigation
of what my body can do,
without art and all i do to self-express,
without that humanity
i am simply left
a giant mass of depression,

and depression/forlornness/existential dread;
that is [part of] what maintains the status quo.

without art/celebration/joy
i am left overwhelmed with all that needs to be done
in the world.

with,
i can balance
all i know is terrible
with my little pieces of what is good,
so i can have the energy to call representatives
and give my little bits of extra income
and write poetry to [maybe] inspire others
as well

we,
those of us who are queer,
those of us with mental states that fill us
with anxiety
and/or
despair,
we are human
and are allowed our humanity,
our joy,
our celebration,
our art,

and, as a lovely side-effect,
that humanity,
when taken,
can help us do our part
to negate some of the external sources
of our stress and panic and dread.

i am allowed to celebrate
just to celebrate
because i am human
(no matter how many conservative lawmakers try to deny that about me and my kin)
i am human
and i am allowed joy in my life

and perhaps my joy can uplift others in their joy as well

so here’s to baby’s first solid, unassisted, one-armed meathook,
to the side-abs i am creating
and the joy i am stoking
in myself
because i am allowed,
i need no external validation
but it helps to hear it out loud all the same,
i am allowed
i am allowed
and i can bring others up as well.

January 24, 2022

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we are now
well into
the third year
of living in new york city
and though i’m not where i thought i’d be,
the whole world isn’t where it thought it’d be
either.

the pandemic has really taken the onus
off my own head
for what i wanted to accomplish
when i got here,
and redirected my aims
not lower
just sideways-er,
from theatre/circus/maybe film
to voiceover/film/maybe circus
(and a little activism in there
because how could you not be
when looking at
this world)
and theatre…?
who knows what will happen
within this third year
(within these next few months/weeks/days)
but i do know that
governmental policies (or lack thereof) really left the public
out in the cold
at the very beginning
of this whole ordeal
and haven’t been able to rectify
that harm
(nor have i seen much in the way of trying)
and i shouldn’t have expected any better
but man
do i want
to trust
that people
will do the right things,
but power seems to corrupt
even the
best of us…

but
i was talking about
living in new york city
and my life here
(or lack thereof)
and all i have to say is,
though i don’t think i ever really got
the ‘true’
living in nyc experience,
i still suspect
i couldn’t live
anywhere
else.

January 18, 2022

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as i do more things
i feel like my mainstays
stay in the background
(so far back
that i forget if i did them
or not)

but they are habits/rituals/consistencies
for a reason
(and it is not the worst thing
in the world
to miss a day
or two)

so
stop
worrying
about it,
and stop
worrying
like there’ll be punishment
if some other thing takes a day
away

just because
physical exercise
has been added
and social classes
have continued
doesn’t mean
the morning poems will cease
or the language learning
will falter

there used to be
dozens
of things
in your day,
you enjoyed
filling
the day-lit hours…
don’t force it,
just
remember.

January 13, 2022

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i’m so nervous
about today
a new circus place
another chance to move my body
(how does my body move now?
now that i’ve had months and months off from any apparatus,
now that i’ve had over a year away from consistent, daily training,
now that the virus has changed every thing we do
now that the virus has not infected me, but the fear of humanity
constantly
doing wrong
that has infected me,
and i have symptoms daily:
a brain fog of unknowns of who may be smart
and who may be stupid,
tightness in the chest from seeing
that some
would rather sacrifice
[eugenicize]
the weak/old/disabled
as if they’re barely even numbers
(instead of whole human people),
the headache of suspicion that
there is a way to do this correctly
and our country/community/society
just
hasn’t,
the nausea
from knowing
that those in charge
worship money
before any worker
and that they think of people as pawns
to gather them more hoards of money
than they can do anything with in one lifetime,
and, of course, the whole body aches
of observing
the elected officials
i helped put into office
not being held accountable,
i want to hold them accountable,
but they aren’t even listening to those
more outspoken
more knowledgable
more persuasive in their passions
than i’ll ever be
so i’m left
with this
covid despair
this pandemic of existentialism
this disease of caring so much
that you circle all the way around
and start to care
not at all)

(but you do,
you know you do,
you’ve just numbed
the symptoms,
the disease is still
there.)

August 21, 2021

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the calm before the storm
creates excitement for said storm.
it’s the weightless moment in circus beats,
that moment that gives you a peek into the idea
that time is a mortal construction:
that second that lasts a lifetime,
you can tell what comes next
and plan your attack,

and set up a nest inside which to watch the storm
roll by.

~

i wrote this
on June 12
originally,
and i don’t necessarily remember
that particular storm
but i remember storms as i love them:
nature’s fireworks,
conversing with the thunder,
dancing in my hometown rain
before i’d fly halfway across the world…

but this storm…
the calm
before
brings apprehension,
we’ve seen one hurricane/tropical storm
flood our [hopefully](soon-to-be) borough,
we’ve seen the devastation
global climate change
can wreak

and we hope folks stay safe
and we hope not too much damage is done
and we hope to have a nice meeting with this
Henri
but we hope to not keep him in our hearts and homes for long…