January 19, 2025

my focus is
all over the place
wandering from
poetry
to internet-ing
to excitement for performing
to worry about the weather
to anticipation of the possibilities of my own
silly
videos
to apprehension of the upcoming
~event~
of tomorrow…

and i have no conclusion to this poem
for my focus can’t stay on one thing long enough
for such luxuries as
a nice
~ending~

October 30, 2024

away from the physical activity
that brings me joy
that saved my life
in more ways than i probably even know
prevented
by pandemic
by fear
by perfectionism
by injury
by overuse
by depression
and i just can’t seem to catch a break
though i’m trying so hard
to take a break
take a break
take a break
so i can get back to it
maybe
again
with the love
and passion
and joy
that i once found

October 28, 2024

rib
out of place
again???

how am i supposed to do
anything
when i’m constantly scared
of fucking up
my whole side
by simply wrapping myself up
in ways i have already done
countless times in the past?

how am i supposed to do
anything
when my body doesn’t even know
how it is supposed to be
aligned?

how am i supposed to do
anything
when i never know
if this pain is bad
or simply residual
recovery
pain?

[pain is my sole indicator
that something is wrong,
but i never ever know
if the pain is a warning
a crisis
or simply part of being…]

August 12, 2024

the double take of everyone
seeing me at a party full of madison circus folk;
the “ah, yes, hj is here.”
and then
“wait! hj is here!?!”
was delightful
and though i do feel a little guilty
for being less than communicative
about this trip
and planning next to nothing,
i do appreciate
how beautifully the first day
embraced my entrance
with spontaneity
and perfect timing
[and i have a premonition
that the last day will be similar
but with the theatre friends
instead]

[i suppose my advice to anyone
traveling back to a place they once
lived, is to make sure it just so happens
to take place over the time of
important and casual parties
for your former social circles,
because you get to see all the faces
without trying to schedule everyone in

and then maybe, in a week or two, send a
huge thank you card
to the hosts of said parties
because the appreciation that
that all worked out will carry you into
the next
few
years]

July 1, 2024

flying
flying
flying
all aerial
is flying
all aerial
is playing
but
the high/dynamic kind
of flying trapeze
of cloud swing
especially
is playful
and feels like true
flight
to me

June 29, 2024

wounds
from circus
are worse than bruises
because they are usually burns
and they continue to make me squirm
in showers to clean them
and days afterwards
if they need band-aids
and then, finally, when they’ve stopped looking like
peeled flesh
and grossness,
and the healing process has set well in
the itch
is all-consuming
and unimaginably annoying
and because i usually never get them this bad
i can forget this stage
but right now
this healing thing on my ankle
is all my conscious can think about
and how much i want to scratch my whole skin off
but then the process would just start
all over again…

May 1, 2024

circus objects leave bruises,
kisses of green/brown/blue/purple
burns of bright red,
popped blood vessels and
convincing nerves to not overreact again

we love this art
and it loves us back — we even have the marks
to prove it

March 5, 2024

this kind of rainy day
sets the pace
for homebodyness

huge droplets seen
from the safety of my window screen
seem to beg me to stay
home
where it’s safe
and warm
and dry

but i
have things i’d like to accomplish
errands i actually need to run
and my own mental health to think about

what’s a little dampness from the rain
when considering
circus?