August 12, 2024

the double take of everyone
seeing me at a party full of madison circus folk;
the “ah, yes, hj is here.”
and then
“wait! hj is here!?!”
was delightful
and though i do feel a little guilty
for being less than communicative
about this trip
and planning next to nothing,
i do appreciate
how beautifully the first day
embraced my entrance
with spontaneity
and perfect timing
[and i have a premonition
that the last day will be similar
but with the theatre friends
instead]

[i suppose my advice to anyone
traveling back to a place they once
lived, is to make sure it just so happens
to take place over the time of
important and casual parties
for your former social circles,
because you get to see all the faces
without trying to schedule everyone in

and then maybe, in a week or two, send a
huge thank you card
to the hosts of said parties
because the appreciation that
that all worked out will carry you into
the next
few
years]

July 1, 2024

flying
flying
flying
all aerial
is flying
all aerial
is playing
but
the high/dynamic kind
of flying trapeze
of cloud swing
especially
is playful
and feels like true
flight
to me

June 29, 2024

wounds
from circus
are worse than bruises
because they are usually burns
and they continue to make me squirm
in showers to clean them
and days afterwards
if they need band-aids
and then, finally, when they’ve stopped looking like
peeled flesh
and grossness,
and the healing process has set well in
the itch
is all-consuming
and unimaginably annoying
and because i usually never get them this bad
i can forget this stage
but right now
this healing thing on my ankle
is all my conscious can think about
and how much i want to scratch my whole skin off
but then the process would just start
all over again…

May 1, 2024

circus objects leave bruises,
kisses of green/brown/blue/purple
burns of bright red,
popped blood vessels and
convincing nerves to not overreact again

we love this art
and it loves us back — we even have the marks
to prove it

March 5, 2024

this kind of rainy day
sets the pace
for homebodyness

huge droplets seen
from the safety of my window screen
seem to beg me to stay
home
where it’s safe
and warm
and dry

but i
have things i’d like to accomplish
errands i actually need to run
and my own mental health to think about

what’s a little dampness from the rain
when considering
circus?

January 22, 2024

i feel like this new day of a new week
is a whole new moment of a brand new life
i don’t know what it is —
maybe it’s the lack of upcoming stressors,
maybe it’s getting used to this
twenty-twenty-four
as we have it,
maybe it’s feeling confident in friendships,
maybe it’s feeling confident in circus,
maybe it’s because
kip
is no longer feeling
vertigo-y
or migraine-y
and i feel like we might be
past
the worst of whatever this is,

but
so

this feels so new/
so fresh/
so daylight/daybreak/break me out of my rut

even with the cold
even with the chill
even with the snow and ice still there on the ground…

maybe it’s artistic inspiration
flowing all over me,
maybe it’s puppies and cats
and 8 hours of sleep
[even interrupted
i’m pretty sure it counts up to that],

maybe i just forgot
all the reasons i have
to be sad —

whatever it is

i’m feeling
almost
glad

November 30, 2023

i may have shot myself in the foot/
given myself a crazy amount of work to do
on this one, singular, last day of
National Novel Writing Month

but i also know i can do it —
it’ll be tough, but it’ll be achievable.

it’ll be hard
but i’m pretty damn sure
i can do it.

i easily made 3,000 words work
in one day of writing —
just two sections
and a break in-between,
so i’ll just have to do three sections
two breaks,
or more and more
if the work needs to be divided
into tinier bite-sizes

the only worry i have
is the focus
to be split
among writing
auditioning (i.e. memorizing/practicing)
and circus-ing

perhaps i’ll have to write
non-poetry
on the train
for the first time
ever…

November 2, 2023

should be excited
should be nervous
should be chittering and shaking and heart pounding and butterflies lining the walls of my stomach
but instead i’m numb
i’m accepting
i’m tired
i’m surviving

[what depression does]

July 22, 2023

the nerves
of all this past week
seem to melt away like butter
the morning of the show
just because
i’m so tired
and achey
and sleepy
and in pain
that i don’t even have the capacity
to feel much
of anything else

…hooray?