July 22, 2023

the nerves
of all this past week
seem to melt away like butter
the morning of the show
just because
i’m so tired
and achey
and sleepy
and in pain
that i don’t even have the capacity
to feel much
of anything else

…hooray?

July 21, 2023

have i pushed myself
too far
too hard?

will i last
until
just past
the show?

can my body
ever
recover?

or am i making a big deal
out of this body
i have no idea how to deal with?

July 31, 2022

audiences
are integral
to a performance

i wish it wasn’t so,
but it sure is.

so, if the audience’s energy
is lively,
is loving the show,
is literally having the time of their life–
the performer(s) will, too.
one hundred percent.

i usually tell new performers
(especially in circus)
to enjoy themselves on their apparatus–
the audience will respond to that enjoyment
and enjoy themselves,
and that energy from the audience
will encourage the performer,
who will send their energy back to the audience,
for a kind of reciprocal feedback loop
of joy.

but i often neglect
(on purpose)
the very real instances
of audiences being super low energy:
not responding to any energy from the performer(s);
or being weird:
responding in unexpected ways
that throws the performer’s energy off–
because you have to be a well-seasoned performer
to pick that kind of energy out
consciously
(but even novices will be able to tell
that something
is simply
‘off’)

June 10, 2022

i suppose the reason
i’m so damn nervous
about this upcoming performance
is because it’s the only one.

i can overthink
and over prepare
and over-wrack my nerves
because i’m not at the point
yet
where performing is just
my way of life

(it doesn’t help
that this is the first live one
since before the pandemic,
so the pressure
mounts
immeasurably)