to take the train
or to try and drive
and how early do i
need to make this
decision?
[i’ve been deleting videos off my phone
so i can
download an app if needbe
but i
am so stressed
by new experiences
but also
also
also
i love them
so…
how dare my own psyche
be
this damn way]
writing about things
about losing
and possibly gaining
[about gaming the system
that seems incapable of collapsing
without dire consequences]
about consequential
and inconsequential
choices
for our own choices
will always always always bring
something
to our own lives
but in the grand schemes of planets and universes and stars
what is one
human’s
mistake
[what is one species’
constant
blunder?]
perhaps this
decision paralysis
is why i’ve said yes
to being part of things —
ensemble
background
rather than leading
because others can actually take an active role
while i am overwhelmed at even the potentiality of a leadership anything
and i can follow
not because i am a follower
but because following action
is the action i’ve allowed myself, somehow, to actually do
my default state is action
it is the frozen with too many choices
that has become my leadership achilles heel
and in order to heal
i need[ed] to take a step
backwards
so that i may indeed
lead forward
again
soon
uncertainty
in what to write
in what to do
at any given moment
day
or night
the uncertainty
is what freezes me
not potential good
or bad outcomes
but all the options
showing themselves to me
beat
by beat
by beat
until
the overwhelm becomes too much
that inaction is the safest path to take
[but it actually
never really
is]
to warm up with the poetry
as i [try to do] every morning
or to stare blankly at a phone
scrolling and scrolling and scrolling
until half the day has gone by?
i believe this choice speaks for itself
(on the days when my executive functioning allows)
to warm up with the poetry
as it flows and flows and flows
or to work a bit
get things quickly done
feeling even more productive before 9am
than i usually feel by 10pm
this choice is a little harder
but i do have habit backing up a decision for the former
to warm up with the poetry
that speaks of itself in loose verse–
meta-poeting all over the computer screen
as i contemplate any other option here
in this early may morning
i see this choice has been made for me
what’s it like
to know what you want
day to day?
week to week?
year to year?
life to life?
[i wonder
and ponder
my own life through)
or
what’s it like
to see so few choices
that the choice seems
obvious
to you?
decision paralysis
is a subject
i’ve written abut before
(and thought/think about
damn near daily)
and yet
the subject
never seems
‘done’
to me.
(but maybe
it’s a combination
of regular decision paralysis
and the big choices i’m stuck on
that bleed into the littler ones:
my indecision
about my own career
(minus the big reasons i’ve chosen acting,
which is also a way to feed the paralysis;
acting has in it
the opportunity
to be
every career
with
every character),
but within that big choice
i get stuck on
what i want to wear
day to day
or what music
i’d like
to listen to…
but/because there are other things
i know
i like
and want:
i love all animals,
and rainbow is my favorite color,
and kindness i hold above all,
and coffee is the best drink (besides water),
i’m always in the mood for
bagels, indian food, or ice cream,
and i know i need balance in my day-to-day choices:
too much of socialization
will lead to needing a lot of alone time to re-charge,
and similarly,
too much solitary time on my own
and i begin to fall apart)
so, what is the conclusion,
or even the thesis,
of this poem?
is it simply that i can continue to be freaked out
by decisions
and the paralyses they induce,
but i should also admit
the duality
of the human spirit
and that i know what i want
far more than my paralysis shows?
or is it simply
to make a strong choice
and stick with it
(the lessons learned in improv class
so long ago)?
kipventures 