i had been wondering
for a long time
whether or not i should actually
have the rainbow

if it was too juvenile
if it was too gay
in a country where gayness is coming back to meaning
bad
if i would be a target
if it was actually sparking joy in me
anymore

and so i shaved my head

and i think i now know
that i do want the rainbow

but that doesn’t mean i regret this

nor does it mean i won’t enjoy the finely buzzed hairs
tickling my hands every time i run them all over
my entire head

nor does it mean i won’t enjoy
the shock and awe of every person
i didn’t warn

i wanted to know if i would look good bald
[or as close as i could get without
shaving cream and a true razor]

and i think i do

but i think i don’t look like me

so we’ll let it grow out a bit
and shape the flop on top in a way
that hopefully i won’t be accidentally cutting into it
every month’s buzzing day

and then after a few month’s time
it should be long enough
to have a rainbow again

and by that time, i think i’ll probably have forgotten
exactly how much stress it is
to re-dye and keep bright and re-dye and keep bright and
i might just survive another nine years [give or take] with
a rainbow flop of hair atop my head

but for now

baldy/aang/baby buzz it is

[if only my spouse could still recognize me!]