i hate that i can find the good
in almost everything
[i suppose this ability is there
to balance out the fact
that i can also find the most dire part
of almost any situation]
[and that there is probably the reason why
i hate my positive outlook
so much]
how can there be
so much horror in the world
alongside such beauty?
how can death happen one day
and the next, the miracle of a whole new life?
how can those celebrating a graduation/
a union/
pure friendship
be next door to
domestic violent terror
in one’s own home?
i haven’t figured out yet
how to be a happy person
while also knowing
so much that happens behind
tightly closed doors
in front of
tightly shut eyes
because, from my position here,
it feels counterintuitive —
i’m trapped in feeling like
one thing cannot be acknowledged
if the other isn’t also
but perhaps that’s my own black and white
fault
thinking
because there’s also
often
mundane day happening
alongside mundane day
and it’s the grey that
somehow
sometimes
keeps us going
counteract imposter syndrome
with delusions of grandeur
battle bouts of depression
with moments of absolute elation
fight against the tyranny of a fascist oligarchy
with anarchical acts of neighborly compassion
if your ‘natural state’ is one strong thing
make sure to balance it with
a little bit of its opposite
[if you can’t make yourself mellow,
at least average it out to
even-keel-ness]
mushrooms
and tree leaves
and images only i can see
my head fills to the brim with
delights
and devestation
and it’s no wonder
the bright devouring
of death
of fungi
are what i connect with
best
~~~
my therapist often rephrases links
of two seemingly disparate ideas
from “but”
to “and”
and
it has helped me in my own journey
to temper my black and white thinking
and see the world for the shades of grey
it truly is
~~~
queer icons
rainbow capitalism
greedy estates
but accessible designs and an un-kept gate
fuck
everything really is a shade of grey
my life
my poetry
slides from
quirky/cute/fun/carefree
to
the biggest angst you’ll ever see
and i know my life is actually
somewhere in the middle
somewhere in the in-between
but i never learned to see any shades
between the black and white
structured
yes or no
now or never
fact or falsehood
good or bad
so that simply makes my life
hard to quantify
at this point
wherein it has
so much positivity
but still so much pain
maybe that’s why i like spooky times so much
it’s supposed to be so scary
but it provides me with so much comfort
that i calm down the minute i hear dissonant tones
theremin whines
and boos and bones
rattling scattering my confusion
at the difference of the two kinds of life
and reminds me
that it’s ok
to live between
thank halloween.
here’s the thing:
i’ve been stuck for weeks,
more than a month,
and i cannot tell
if it’s depression rearing its ugly head,
or exhaustion with the state of things in the world,
or a normal human reaction to the sadnesses that have befallen
me/us
as of late
i can’t tell if my disinterest
in my chosen profession
is an actual drifting away,
or a lack of momentum needed
for this particular drive,
or that damn depression once more
and, like i used to beg and plea
for the universe to send me
some sort of sign that
the choices i was making
were ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ for my life,
i wish to all goodness that
i could simply know
which it was
(but here’s the other thing:
i bet it’s a bit
of everything,
and that nothing
is as black and white as i see it,
and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in my life,
because my choices are mine
and my own to deal with,
so every decision splits a universe apart from mine
but is there one
where i’m
happy?
all/
or at least most/
of the time???)
autumn is a time for falling asleep
spring is the awakening
autumn is preparing for the months of winter depression
spring is shedding those sads
autumn is slowing, pondering, thinking, dying
spring is the adrenaline amping up again
so why do i feel so tired and sad and ponderous
while spring is all around me?
~~~
coffee
music
cat on lap
dog on couch
kip across the table
help me enter the day
my way
~~~
i know my headspace isn’t great
if i obsess over things
or
if i shoot from one subject matter
to the next
to the next
with no real resolution
and no thinking through to the end.
so why are my indications
entirely opposing?
is this my black and white thinking coming to some sort of fruition
or is this the source of my non-grey-mind?
the trauma was not good;
no amount of “things happen for a reason” will change that,
it was unfair, unfathomable, wildly wrong.
but how i choose to deal with the trauma,
how i have survived thus far,
and how i choose to keep on going,
that is where the beauty lies.
and i can adjust my own coping mechanisms;
make them healthier, make them stronger,
for nothing is truly “good” or “bad”
“positive” or “negative”
but there are healthier and not so healthy,
things that help me access my emotions
and perform acting in a real, vulnerable, and honest way,
and that is how i choose to keep going
(start going? this is technically all new to me…)
and, similarly,
there is no “recovered” vs. “not recovered”
there is in recovery and the levels therein.
but one level does not disappear once you move on to the next
they are uneven steps existing in a labyrinth
that sometimes require backtracking to continue on.
and if i can look at my own mental health
in a way
that is
Non-Binary
(just like me!)
then maybe,
just maybe,
i can make friends with my trauma
(and how i felt it initially/since)
and understand a little bit more about me
in the aftermath…
[i may have talked about this before, but]
inspirations
affirmations
declarations
don’t really work for me
there is a huge gap between where i am now
(in the process of deconstructing decades of feeling completely worthless)
to the exact point of an affirmation
(“you are enough”)
or a positive reminder
(“be kinder to yourself”)
but through therapy
and tiktok
and queer acting class
i’ve learned that i can nudge myself away from the black and white thinking
and into the essence of these inspirations
through simple wording choices:
what if statements
(“what if i am enough”)
[look at that, too,
my example phrasing changed from a ‘you’ to an ‘i’
because it felt so much more accessible this way]
and similarly with permission instead of declaration
(“i am allowed to be kinder to myself”)
and no, it’s not fixing everything right away,
i didn’t find these work-arounds and immediately feel
completely
mentally
emotionally
healthy,
but it’s a way to start accessing that healing towards a health
that always felt so far away
why
even
try
[now i can try!]
i’ve now been writing for a little more than a month and a half
and i just started posting like a week ago
it’s definitely given me a perspective
i didn’t expect…
confidence
in old poems
re-reading large poems
with big concepts
assuming i’d need to edit/adjust/revise
before wanting to post them
but feeling like they are whole
already.
i still don’t know what this actually means
for my skills
in poem-making,
if i’m still stuck in the black and white view of
good or bad
first draft comes from the heart/soul/gut
so any changes will be disingenuous
so just post it
as is
(but
what if
i’m not unlocking
my true potential from
within)
(or
am i simply
avoiding
what i know will turn into
obsessive
obsession
for making it perfect
when poetry
thrives
in
imperfection?)
~~~
is there another poem inside me
today
this morning
is there something else i need to get out
another concept to contemplate
another topic to purge from my soul
another thought, barely formed, scratching at the corners of my mind?
really
what i’m thinking this morning
is
it’s so dreary out
and i have so much to do
and my head hurts like crazy
and all my body wants to do is nap
and all i want to do is find any motivation
anything
at all.
~~~
and yet
(and yet)
i’m actually super stoked about posting?!?!
kipventures 