somehow
i’m excited
for this slow slow sunday
somehow
i’m excited
to catch up on all the chores stacked up
somehow
i’m excited
to do all the things i’ve been avoiding all week
somehow
i’m excited
for a little bit of normalcy again
[but not forever onward
just
just
just
the rest of this weekend]
i keep pondering early in this
panini
when i wrote and wrote
pages upon pages
freehand
freeverse
free of other older morning page expectations
and i wondered what the world would be like
‘post’
pandemic…
and i felt it,
at the very core of my being
that we’d
‘go back to normal’
before it was really,
truly,
clear
to do so,
and that the ‘normal’
we were heading back towards
had the potential to change,
to be a ‘normal’ benefitting more people
than the normal
benefitting a very
very
very
tiny
percentage,
but i felt it,
that it wouldn’t change
we “couldn’t” change
we wouldn’t change.
and lo and behold
all my strife
from mid-march 2020
to april, may, june, july 2020
most of that has come to fruition:
we aren’t ready,
people are still catching
ventilizing
dying
and half the population is still
pretending
this virus
doesn’t exist.
and of course
we’re going
‘back to the grind’
as if that’s a good thing,
as if it’s strength
or a moral righteousness
that gets you through
(rather than random genetics
and generational privileges
and a system set up to benefit
the few)
and as if
this ‘grind’
is our entire culture
(i mean, at this point, it is,
but that doesn’t make it
good
or right)
and i wish i had something better to say
than ‘i saw this coming’
i mean, i’m sure folks more versed in
infectious disease
and sociology
and economy
and the ‘why’s’ of all this
also saw this coming…
i guess i just wish
i’d had more time
to live in a world of hope
than i actually got.
as i do more things
i feel like my mainstays
stay in the background
(so far back
that i forget if i did them
or not)
but they are habits/rituals/consistencies
for a reason
(and it is not the worst thing
in the world
to miss a day
or two)
so
stop
worrying
about it,
and stop
worrying
like there’ll be punishment
if some other thing takes a day
away
just because
physical exercise
has been added
and social classes
have continued
doesn’t mean
the morning poems will cease
or the language learning
will falter
there used to be
dozens
of things
in your day,
you enjoyed
filling
the day-lit hours…
don’t force it,
just
remember.
who really is
good
at goodbyes?
~~~
when i visit new places
i associate certain parts of them
with places i’ve been before
“this area reminds me of the east side of Madison”
“this one gives me big Toronto energy”
“well, this is like if Milwaukee and Cleveland had a baby…”
on and on,
until i see something truly unique,
or i’ve been there long enough
to associate it with itself.
~~~
stomach aches
is it packing stress?
is it travel anxiety?
is it getting back into the “real” world?
or is it the apprehension of expectation for more adventure
now that we’re both vaccinated and activated?
i went into a Barnes and Noble yesterday
and, as a friend stated,
it was unnaturally normal.
the stacks were all stacked,
sales, clean shelves, bright lights,
like they had just shut down regularly one night
and opened the next day with everyone wearing masks.
and i bought too many books
(potentially to make up for my spouse not being there;
our usual date night: book shopping)
and we still had our membership active
(as if the last year and a half on pause hadn’t even happened)
the normalcy
is throwing me
eating under an umbrella at a bar/grill,
pushing strollers through outdoor malls,
playing on communal playgrounds…
don’t misunderstand me,
i am fully vaccinated,
and i am aware of how the virus spreads
and the evidence of safety in small outdoor gatherings,
and i am beyond grateful for how things have worked out
and that i finally get to hug my friends tight
(touch being my romantic and platonic love language)
but i’ve lived a year and a half in unknowns
(we all have)
of trying to be as careful as possible and then some
knowing not everyone “believes” in this clearly observable fact,
this virus killing thousands (and leaving more with irreversible repercussions)
so i am used to being overly cautious
and this exploration into ‘normal’
…i am absolutely waiting for the other shoe to drop.
kipventures 