i see the world
through a poet’s eyes,
but also through the eyes
of depression
of anxiety
of ennui
of desperation
of overthinking
of too much knowledge
and not enough power,
but also through the eyes
of someone distinctly
of this century
this millennium
this time period —
speaking in meme
and shorthand
and writing all of my poetry
via computer keys and screen
and distracting myself with television
and video games
and podcasts
and anything to drown out
the sadness/despair/awareness
that a poet’s sense
sends/
that a poet’s eyes
see
anxiety
November 11, 2023
my fear
is so loud
that i’ll write about something
i don’t understand
and offend
or embarrass
[others/myself in that order]
and rather than trying
and learning
i hide
and hide harder
and hide longer
and hide farther into myself
just wanting
wanting
wanting
to write
but never doing any of it in sight.
October 3, 2023
yesterday’s worries
turn to today’s realities
and mostly we feel silly
for so damn much anxiety
September 12, 2023
wild
slingshot
whiplash
speed between
panic-induced emotionality
and depressive apathy
with absolutely nothing in-between
September 11, 2023
how lost
am i
that i don’t
feel things
except panic
~~~
stressing
less
than i probably should be
given
circumstances
but more
than i probably would be
without
anxiety
(are they related?)
(probably)
~~~
maybe
some day
i’ll finish a
whole big-ass poem
(but probably not today)
September 1, 2023
connections/
connecting/
friendship/
words/
will i say the right thing?
will i do this the right way?
[you don’t need to keep auditioning
for your friendships]
August 31, 2023
the panic
sets in
seasons shift
old memories
more people than i can handle
more emotions than i capable of processing
i just want to breathe
slowly
intentionally
and not feel like it’s simply a
mask
against my true
scared
self
July 22, 2023
the nerves
of all this past week
seem to melt away like butter
the morning of the show
just because
i’m so tired
and achey
and sleepy
and in pain
that i don’t even have the capacity
to feel much
of anything else
…hooray?
July 6, 2023
course-correcting
my sail needs some attention
there are holes and rips and i can’t seem to get the tail-wind right
and i don’t know anything about sailing
so i don’t know if i’m getting this analogy at all accurate
but i do feel
like a little sailboat
in the midst of a great ocean
trying to catch a breeze
but the winds of executive function
keep blowing right through me
July 2, 2023
social events
breed
social anxiety
(and somehow there are people
who need this?!?!)