that was
the greatest part of my morning
the greatest morning
a cat on my lap
enjoying the scritches
from my left hand
and a puppy at my feet
leaning into me
enjoying the scritches from my
right hand
and though i got no writing done
and it only lasted about ten minutes
i was in a blissful heaven
the whole time
fascinating
to be so devoted
to encouraging folks
to join the circus
because, for me, circus means
a place where our human bodies
are the art — they become the
strength and ability we never thought we’d have
the magic of human feats
and humanity
is how i see
the circus
but i know
that’s aerial circus
modern cirque, if you will
traditional circus
[though i do love the music and the costumes and the vibe]
has a horrible history
of exploiting animals
[and people, honestly]
in troubling conditions
[to say the least]
and the word “circus”
to an elephant
may be
complete
and utter
trauma
finish up these pages
so the bagel can be eaten
so the laundry can be started
so the nap can be taken
so the cat meds can be obtained
so the lyra can be flown on
so the massage can be gotten
and so i can come back home
and be lonely
but not alone
[because these sweet animals
are my greatest buddies
besides my spouse]
at least our animals exist
i don’t know how much of the outside world
i could survive
knowing about,
if i didn’t have giant puppy dog eyes
and happy puppy tails
and gentle cat purrs
and quaint cat meows
and wonderful little animal cuddles
to come home to every day
[or even stay home with
when the world is too much]
[how in the world do folks without pets
(and with depression)
survive?]
when we first met
kip wasn’t sure
if they’d be able to be with me
long term
because i insited that i
didn’t like
dogs
but as they got to know me,
they saw how much i loved all animals
no matter what, so then they
started to share stories
of dogs being so good
and introducing me
to dogs here and there
and observing
and guiding
until the concept of us getting a dog
was raised, and i said “maybe”
that maybe, after volunteering with a shelter, became a “probably”
and then a “yes” with so many caveats
and then a “yes” with a couple of caveats
and by the time we helped Louka into our lives
those caveats were gone
and now i can’t even say whether i’m a dog or a cat person
in black and white terms
because i love all cats and all dogs
so so so so so so much
and i am so thankful to my kip
and my dogs
for teaching me just how wonderful
dogs are
nothing
is as comforting
as an animal
who loves you
the trust inherent
when they fall asleep
precariously perched on your lap
or cuddle up
so close
they are lierally on top of your legs
and they feel emotionally comfortable enough
to completely pass out
dreaming eyes
running feeties
wagging tails
in their sleep
purring until you too
are dreaming
it’s a comfort i wish i could give others
but i’ll just have to count myself lucky
to have built it in my
hassle animals
i feel like this new day of a new week
is a whole new moment of a brand new life
i don’t know what it is —
maybe it’s the lack of upcoming stressors,
maybe it’s getting used to this
twenty-twenty-four
as we have it,
maybe it’s feeling confident in friendships,
maybe it’s feeling confident in circus,
maybe it’s because
kip
is no longer feeling
vertigo-y
or migraine-y
and i feel like we might be
past
the worst of whatever this is,
but
so
this feels so new/
so fresh/
so daylight/daybreak/break me out of my rut
even with the cold
even with the chill
even with the snow and ice still there on the ground…
maybe it’s artistic inspiration
flowing all over me,
maybe it’s puppies and cats
and 8 hours of sleep
[even interrupted
i’m pretty sure it counts up to that],
maybe i just forgot
all the reasons i have
to be sad —
whatever it is
i’m feeling
almost
glad
how do you
become at peace
with the fact
that you will never be doing enough?
i don’t know
but i think
that’s how to approach
anti-racism
anti-white-supremacy
anti-any-hate
in a sustainable way
(because otherwise
the sides of the coin
are performative
or overwhelmed catatonia
and neither
actually provide
results
or action)
~~~
there really is a comfort
to having a canine
use your leg
as a pillow
to prop up
their heavy heavy chin
~~~
when i pet my pets
the studies run through my head
of how this act helps the serotonin levels
in humans’ (and dogs’) brains
but i know my serotonin
or the transmitters that run it along
aren’t working at their full strength
so i often think to myself
“ok, here we go, serotonin, you can do it!!!”
just to help it
a bit
sometimes we need
store-bought chemicals
and sometimes we need
our own cheering squad
and sometimes we need
both
and that shouldn’t be looked down upon
normally, i don’t mind
the kind of worship-full relationship
we have with our animals,
our pets,
(nos animaux de compagnie),
but when it comes time
to pack and organize and box and move…
i do feel a tiny bit resentful
that half of the beings in this home,
that two of the four of us,
don’t contribute at all
(and, in fact, often make things a million times harder)
i have been filled
recently
with inspiration
true inspiration
flowing inspiration
from all over
and this morning
i had
*something*
i wanted to write about
to explore in words
to contemplate out loud
[on doc]
but it’s left me
dry
and i’ve hated everything i’ve started so far
so maybe a prompt is the way to go???
~~~
are poems of dreams
really more interesting
than a telling of that same
dream?
a prompt told me to write
out
a dream i remember
in as much detail
as i can remember
but here’s the catch:
my dreams
(like my thoughts)
are conceptual,
abstract
(at least in what i remember,
retain;
the dreams themselves are pretty mundane)
i remember
[maybe]
[possibly]
dreaming of the pants
i decided to wear today
deep pockets
large legs
flowing around
but still split
my nicknamed ‘gender euphoria pants’
because they are technically genderless
and anyone can wear them
it’s just a lot of people don’t
and i think my gender is not aligned
with the male or the female
the man or the woman
but instead
i’d call my gender
Cryptid.
(so anything that sets me
ever so slightly apart,
that makes you go “i think that was a human,
but i’m not entirely sure”
that’s me
that’s my gender
that’s my euphoria)
but i think i dreamed of these pants
reaching into the pocket
not finding the bottom exactly where i expected
and maybe there was something important there
and maybe i did eventually find it
and maybe there were other people/places/things inside this dream
but what i remember
are the pants
and the reach
and that’s it.
was that actually interesting content???
~~~
(i wonder if there are any of our animals
who are trans
and would rather be
“misgendered” by strangers
than have us
continually
“correct” them.
i think this might be why
i so rarely actually correct the stranger.
i’ll use the pronoun i know them as,
but not make a big deal out of it
(unless we’re at the vet
and it might affect the type of care)
but just in case
the animal gets some gender euphoria
every time a stranger
refers to them
by the “opposite gender”
than i know them as
i don’t want to come barreling in
with a correction
that is not
actually
correct.)
