feeling like i just want to fall asleep
and stay asleep
at any given moment
of any given day
and is it depression?
is it the exhaustion of an
active allergic reaction?
am i just a little bit less
energetic
than the average
person?
could it be something i’m not even thinking of
yet?
or do i just want to spend my days lost in my own imagination land?
[and
could i bring that imagination
into my own waking
writing
life
sometime?
soon?
please?]
here i thought it was the
‘having an actual regularly scheduled job’
that was making the days long
and the nights
rough
but i think it’s actually this
unknown
allergy
type
thing
because it’s hard to be awake
and itchy and inflamed
and it’s hard to fall asleep
not knowing what your body is going to do to you
next
ugh
just
ugghhh
~~~
the eyes itch
and the nose sniffs
and the exhaustion hits
and it may just be allergies
it’s probably just allergies
but it still makes me want to
cry for hours or escape into the night
or simply sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep
~~~
i will say
at least my allergist
seemed just as confused
and almost as frustrated
as i am
when he told me
i’m just a big
question mark
it’s destroying me
this whole “don’t touch the animals” track
we’ve been on lately
i am a puppy croodler
a cat lap person
a snuggler and kisser of all animals around me
[so long as they let me]
and petting them
brings me
such joy
but with the swelling
and the red eyes
and the misery that benadryl barely breaks up at night
i suppose not touching the animals
because i am
*technically*
allergic
is a smart move
[but the misery could also be alleviated
with a soft and floofy cuddle…]
[damn body
attacking me
for one of the few good things in my life]
loving and doting on and still kissing my animals
while holding their faces
and staring into their eyes
and stating
“i’m allergic to you”
is so silly
but so
satisfying
[and almost makes it feel
ok
to have this knowledge]
so tired of all this allergy
or whatever it is
that’s making me puff up
like some sort of
animal balloon
first lips
then eye
then one little finger
will the rest of my body
fill
with hot air?
or am i going to be
deflated
soon?
i can feel the allergens
tickling my throat,
attacking my everyday systems
and interrupting,
creating weeping eyes
and pained heads
and sinuses that feel like
explosion is imminent
and the fogginess is permanent
but i know, the next cold day,
or non-pollen-drop,
i’ll be fine
i’ll be fine
i’ll be fine
[i’m not dying]
what is it about
lying next to a cat
that lulls me to sleep
faster
than just forcing myself to bed?
~~~
at least
being in my childhood bedroom
and gazing upon my
most-loved books
has reminded me that
it’s not just in adulthood
that i’ve found comfort in the
already known storyline
and re-consuming media
over and over and over again
(certain copies
of certain books
can attest to the fact that
i consumed them
over
and over
and over again
before i even hit puberty)
~~~
the internet
in this house
is struggling
almost as much as my sinuses
are fighting
to do their job well
(could the dust be blocking the wifi
like it’s blocking my nose???)
kipventures 