playing and experimenting
and stretching and folding
and walking and posing
and it almost
almost
almost felt like madison
again
aerialist
June 24, 2026
teaching —
as a child, i gave gifts
and thank you cards
to many [most?] [all?] of my teachers
[of course with my parents’ help]
but i kinda forgot that was a thing that could be done
as i got older, and effort became more effortful,
it was my job to just get through school, writing
notes was something kids did who had their shit together
[or at least both parents living and/or relatively sober
enough to help with the logistics of it all]
and since school, i’ve wished i could be the kind of person
who gave cards to everyone involved in a play, or wrote
christmas cards at the end of the year, but i think i got
into the habit too soon of seeing it as an overwhelming task,
so i leave the physical notes out, and just try to tell people
in person
in the moment
when i’m thankful for them.
but
i suppose i made an impact
[or at least these kids have their parents’ help and reminders]
[and money]
enough to get three cards
three gift cards
three thank you notes
[and one gorgeous painting]
and i will treasure each one
for as long as i can
because each one
[even the one that just says
‘thank you for the pizza. love ya dawg’]
were a mark of thinking of me
[as i’ve thought of them
when lesson planning and stressing and looking back and enjoying]
and i’m thankful for them
and it’s just a beautiful circular pattern
of thinking
and thanking
and i hope they [and their parents]
know how much
i appreciate them
all
March 5, 2026
my body feels like it is
about to fall completely
apart
and i simply hope it stays together
for one [or two] more circus lessons
and an evening voiceover class
after all that
it is welcome to
fail
because friday is the day
i have a two hour massage booked
and hopefully
hopefully
hopefully
that can put me back together again
[or at least break my body apart
in such a way
that fitting myself back
goes the right
way]
February 7, 2026
i have had
quite the busy
busy week
and today is the day for
resting
and chores that have been waiting
for at least a week
if not more to
be done
and this may end up being my week
from now until
who knows when
but i’ll keep trucking
i’ll keep doing
until i find myself
trying
something different
[i still want to write more than anything
but i can never think of anything
to actually write
about]
September 30, 2025
once
a very very very long time ago
my parents
[who are, in their own right, a couple of kooky characters]
offhandedly mentioned to me
that i was such a weird being,
once i found someone who liked me
for me
i’d better hold onto them
and though i took it as a point of pride then
[and still kind of do now]
i’d be lying if i said it didn’t impact
my own personal perception of self
and value
et cetera
et cetera
et cetera
but i think
that’s why i’m drawn
and secured
here in aerial circus
this feels like the hobby
that saw me in all my wild and strange glory
and said “that one, we like them
we’d better hold onto them”
and so i clutch back on
even tighter
to circus
August 31, 2025
the pain in my arm
has never harmed me
in the air
this bothersome little
strain
on the tendon
is only ever annoying
when writing
or scrolling
or holding
or driving
it never affects me while flying
which is nice
but
it does make me think that
my bod just wants to be a circus performer
and nothing else
nothing
“normal”
at least
May 8, 2025
creativity streams from me
from my fingertips to a computer screen
from my acting choices to an audience’s eyes
from my body on a circus apparatus
and i feel
almost
creative
May 1, 2024
circus objects leave bruises,
kisses of green/brown/blue/purple
burns of bright red,
popped blood vessels and
convincing nerves to not overreact again
we love this art
and it loves us back — we even have the marks
to prove it
March 24, 2023
the thing they don’t tell you
about using your own body as art
is that some days
and even some weeks
things will feel harder/
take longer/
not align the way you’re used to/
but
if you push through
build the strength/endurance/technique you need
you’ll survive those times
and come out the other side
even more artful than you were
(at least that’s what i’m counting on—
i might still be in ‘one of those weeks’
even now
we’ll see
we’ll see)
February 16, 2023
my body feels like it is one slight accident away
from complete and total annihilation
but also
like it’s one good massage away from
actually feeling like a full and functional body once again
(so maybe i ought to schedule that body work)