October 2, 2026

i love doing things with my hands
creating and crafting and seeing something come to fruition
with only my fingers and a few fibers to start
and i love creating with my mind
and using letters and words and language
and the simplest of things build whole worlds
and express emotions i never thought i’d be able to express
and i love being physical
creating strength from my own muscles
creating an audience reaction through my own movement
and stage presence
and i love organizing
creating a sense of order where
once there was none
and i love acting
taking only my own experiences
and creating a whole new person
from others’ words
and my empathy
and some research
and guidance from a director
and reactions from fellow actors
and i think the conclusion this poem is giving me
is gifting me
is that everything i love has a sense of creation
and that could be the biggest aspect
of the things that i love
that i love the most

June 24, 2026

teaching —

as a child, i gave gifts
and thank you cards
to many [most?] [all?] of my teachers
[of course with my parents’ help]

but i kinda forgot that was a thing that could be done

as i got older, and effort became more effortful,
it was my job to just get through school, writing
notes was something kids did who had their shit together
[or at least both parents living and/or relatively sober
enough to help with the logistics of it all]
and since school, i’ve wished i could be the kind of person
who gave cards to everyone involved in a play, or wrote
christmas cards at the end of the year, but i think i got
into the habit too soon of seeing it as an overwhelming task,
so i leave the physical notes out, and just try to tell people
in person
in the moment
when i’m thankful for them.

but

i suppose i made an impact
[or at least these kids have their parents’ help and reminders]
[and money]
enough to get three cards
three gift cards
three thank you notes
[and one gorgeous painting]
and i will treasure each one
for as long as i can
because each one
[even the one that just says
‘thank you for the pizza. love ya dawg’]
were a mark of thinking of me
[as i’ve thought of them
when lesson planning and stressing and looking back and enjoying]
and i’m thankful for them
and it’s just a beautiful circular pattern
of thinking
and thanking
and i hope they [and their parents]
know how much
i appreciate them
all

September 30, 2025

once
a very very very long time ago
my parents
[who are, in their own right, a couple of kooky characters]
offhandedly mentioned to me
that i was such a weird being,
once i found someone who liked me
for me
i’d better hold onto them

and though i took it as a point of pride then
[and still kind of do now]
i’d be lying if i said it didn’t impact
my own personal perception of self
and value
et cetera
et cetera
et cetera

but i think
that’s why i’m drawn
and secured
here in aerial circus

this feels like the hobby
that saw me in all my wild and strange glory
and said “that one, we like them
we’d better hold onto them”

and so i clutch back on
even tighter
to circus

August 31, 2025

the pain in my arm
has never harmed me
in the air

this bothersome little
strain
on the tendon
is only ever annoying
when writing
or scrolling
or holding
or driving
it never affects me while flying
which is nice

but

it does make me think that
my bod just wants to be a circus performer
and nothing else
nothing
“normal”
at least

July 1, 2024

flying
flying
flying
all aerial
is flying
all aerial
is playing
but
the high/dynamic kind
of flying trapeze
of cloud swing
especially
is playful
and feels like true
flight
to me

July 21, 2023

have i pushed myself
too far
too hard?

will i last
until
just past
the show?

can my body
ever
recover?

or am i making a big deal
out of this body
i have no idea how to deal with?

June 10, 2022

i suppose the reason
i’m so damn nervous
about this upcoming performance
is because it’s the only one.

i can overthink
and over prepare
and over-wrack my nerves
because i’m not at the point
yet
where performing is just
my way of life

(it doesn’t help
that this is the first live one
since before the pandemic,
so the pressure
mounts
immeasurably)