perhaps my desire is to educate
perhaps my destiny is to entertain
perhaps i just need to make folks aware
that the issues seen here and there
are systemic
systematic
and sometimes
on purpose
because the problem with conspiracy theories
is that there is a fine, fine line
between a theory about something crazy
and a retelling of something
that has actually happened
to a non-white person
in the past
[and, honestly, today]
so tired
so sleepy
so nervous
so alive
i’m standing at a precipice
a precipice of my own making
and i think i’m
excited
acting
theatre
the arts
they are art
but they are also my job
and so i view them as such
otherwise
i get too overwhelmed
i get too anxious over everything
so if i treat them as a career
a necessity
an activity i’ve done so much i could probably do it in my sleep
they don’t hold power over me
and then i can do them
better
poetry-ing
from the midst of a theatre
audience left
stage right
home
for so many years
conceptually
this place
specifically
home
for the next week
[or so]
what a weird week
said multiple people these past seven days
not necessarily bad
(nor good either)
just
weird.
and i have to agree;
going from being terrified to submit to anything,
theatre/
film/
voiceover/
experimental/
at all
(for fear of the inevitable
no-reply rejection)
i submitted to three things in two days
and got auditions for over half
(still have to audition,
but damn
does it feel like
the relief
of crawling out of a ravine
but looking up to see
more walls surrounding you
again)
man
i chose this.
late night writing
(not that late)
(is it even night?)
(damn daylight savings)
(at least i am writing)
~~~
what if
i let myself
really
trust
in the universe
and let
the rest
go?
~~~
there is an adage
in auditioning
in acting in general
to ‘find the love’
in any scene
if it seems
about money
or revenge
or procedure
or humor
or anything
or nothing
something
to make it
more interesting
more alive
find
the love
in life
in living
in the universe
find
the love
i can do it
i can reach out
i can cold call
and cold email
and cold submit
because i won’t learn
what i’m doing ‘wrong’
until i at least
put myself out there
and try
manifesting
without the grind
where do you find
roles
without playing the game?
[ah, yes, you write them]
i heard an acting coach say, once,
that her actors and their problems
could be pretty precisely divided up
into two distinct groups:
those who did all the homework, and needed to stop thinking so hard,
and those who weren’t coming in with the work done, and needed to put forth
more effort
i feel like i fall into both categories,
no matter how split she thought them;
i overthink and overanalyze and over worry
and yet, i feel like i never actually finish my basic homework,
and i come in with the feeling of flying by the seat of my pants
every chance
i get.
maybe i am in the first group
and my problem is
even while i’m not doing work
(and therefore think i’m in the second group)
i am still worry-working
and spending a whole ton of mental energy
as if i were in the first group
and that makes my general vibe
an over-thinker
over worker
over do-er
so where does that leave me now?
kipventures 