the day after a show
but so much happened
on top of it
a meeting
a surgery
an emergency allergy reaction
[not mine tho]
and i can hardly revel in the feeling of the show
[or
even berate myself for
not promoting it
more]
except for the moment
i stayed in the moment
afterwards
talking
with the lovely lovely people involved
i think they’re all so rad
and i’m so glad
i got to tell them so
creativity streams from me
from my fingertips to a computer screen
from my acting choices to an audience’s eyes
from my body on a circus apparatus
and i feel
almost
creative
children
and philosophers
wonder at the wonder of the world
children
and writers
imagine all the what-ifs
children
and actors
inhabit others’ stories
children
and tinkerers
mess around with physical objects
to see what can be done
i don’t think that it is only one kind of person
or profession that
keeps the “play” alive
from childhood
the key is simply to find a way
to keep your own childhood loves
going and going and going
so you never
lose them
manifesting
without the grind
where do you find
roles
without playing the game?
[ah, yes, you write them]
i heard an acting coach say, once,
that her actors and their problems
could be pretty precisely divided up
into two distinct groups:
those who did all the homework, and needed to stop thinking so hard,
and those who weren’t coming in with the work done, and needed to put forth
more effort
i feel like i fall into both categories,
no matter how split she thought them;
i overthink and overanalyze and over worry
and yet, i feel like i never actually finish my basic homework,
and i come in with the feeling of flying by the seat of my pants
every chance
i get.
maybe i am in the first group
and my problem is
even while i’m not doing work
(and therefore think i’m in the second group)
i am still worry-working
and spending a whole ton of mental energy
as if i were in the first group
and that makes my general vibe
an over-thinker
over worker
over do-er
so where does that leave me now?
yesterday was a
good(?!?)
day
chores accomplished
things done
(ahead of time even)
friends talked to
(friends!
what a concept!)
and i hope
that this energy
positivity
whatever-y
lasts
just a few days longer
because man, i have so many things on my to-do list
that are just waiting for a day
when i feel like i have the mental stamina
to do them.
~~~
toaster strudels
toasted
iced
eaten
bagels
ordered
made
still waiting
for delivery
(to house and to mouth)
do we need two different breakfasts this morning?
absolutely not.
but do we deserve them?
i’d say…
maybe?
~~~
being an actor is so weird
because not only are we
sharing intimate parts of
our selves/emotions/brains/pasts
and saying ‘hey, do you believe this
in a totally different context?’
we are also airing all our dirty laundry
out
for others’ entertainment
and hoping it’s cathartic
to both audience and us
(while still holding a piece
within our toolbox
just in case
we need it
again)
all the while,
those of us who have gone to school
for this
weirdness
have literally been graded
on things that
can be quite subjective
and we all just kind of had to
admit it
and accept it
and be graded
on our souls
(while being so young
we probably weren’t even connected
with the fullness
of those souls
quite yet)
(i know i, now, ten years later,
could still be more connected,
for my self and for my art.)
to observe
without thinking to oneself
‘i am observing’
to react
without thinking to oneself
‘i am reacting’
to live life
without thinking to oneself
‘i am living’
these are the challenges,
the paradoxes,
of being an actor.
finding the perfect music station
is an art
(one i’m not nearly as familiar with
as my spouse)
and so when i’m doing my morning pages/poems
without them
(because sleep is a necessity)
and have to find some morning tunes
on my own
i never land on
what i initially think i’ll land on…
at least there’s coffee.
~~~
so hungry
but i’m not used to eating while writing
i eat and suddenly i want
passive entertainment
it seems this old dog needs to learn a couple new tricks
~~~
if i leave
and come back
will i keep the thread of morning poetry?
~~~
fed,
caffeinated,
[not yet watered],
and i feel so much better able to
really get into these here morning page poems
is this what i *should* be doing each morning?
instead of simply sipping coffee
and waiting until after i write to eat my breakfast?
or is this simply a daily thing
that changes around
and adjusts
as my own outlook
and mood
and level of tiredness
adjusts
day
by
day
by
day
?
~~~
i mean, if i’m going to be writing a million small poems
(and by a million, let’s be honest and say probably six)
might as well just
truly
go for it.
~~~
the nerves are starting to settle in
about class later on today
(this is why i enjoyed having a circus class prior to acting class
yes, i never got to nap,
but i also never spent half the day worrying about/obsessing over my performance)
i like how our teacher sets up the class
you perform, and then she asks what goals you had for that particular scene or monologue
and this week i’m simply hoping to continue the work
that suddenly broke free two weeks ago.
i want to breathe into the monologue,
i want to be in the moment,
and i want to use my own self-loathing
to create art
instead of beating myself down all the time.
and yes, the ultimate goal is health
and possibly, someday, not constantly feeling like the most worthless hunk of flesh on the planet,
but while that’s what it’s like in my brain,
might as well be honest
and use it to connect with this character i’ve been [not so secretly] wanting to play for ages,
and maybe if i can connect while i’m in the throes of
not-so-great mental health
maybe that means i can find my way in
when i am in a healthier mental state
remember the physical sensations
without being too harsh…
maybe?
but today isn’t about how to get there down the road
that’s not the goal today;
it’s to be in the present
to breathe into the moment
to know that i have all this inside me
and relax
and trust
and simply let myself shine through.
even more tired
this morning
than yesterday.
when’s the last time we stayed up
till past 2am?
i literally cannot remember.
we are the early-risers,
the morning people,
the dawn folk,
and yet
i come from the theater,
my job, my career, all my peers
are night owls
and as long as there are wide spaces between,
or at least an opportunity to nap
the following day,
it’s invigorating to feed off their energy
(and their Old Bay fries.)
kipventures 