do you ever feel like
you just want to slough off your old skin
your old life
your old entire being
and start anew
in a new body
with a new brain
in a new situation
perhaps a whole new universe/
dimension/
something/
anything
i just feel
antsy
in this life
sometimes
(maybe that’s why
i am drawn towards
acting
reading
writing
the things we do
to imagine whole other lives
anew)
acting
June 3, 2023
if only i could put all my hobbies
and helpfuls
into one basket of poetry—
the focus that comes from embroidery,
the loss of time and self
and feeling of fullness of art
of acting,
the power
and grace
of pulling one’s own body weight
up to an aerial apparatus
and seeing the whole room
spin
just this side of uncontrollably
around me,
and the expression
of my deepest most inner
mind
in a single poem
(or two)
(or three)
this is how you get to know me.
December 4, 2022
how
can i constantly feel
like a novice
in all i do?
i’ve performed all my life,
but i still feel second/
third/
fourth/fifth/sixth/
end of the line
when it comes to opportunities
for the stage/screen arts.
i’ve had six plus years in the air,
but i’m a perpetual student
here.
i’ve written
every
single
morning
poetry
for over a year and a half,
but i’m still too scared to submit,
to hear the possibility
that i’ll forever be
amateur;
living only for the love of words,
never ‘going anywhere’ with it.
and what’s so bad about that?
capitalism/colonialism/white supremacy
forces our minds to find some meaning
out of what we can produce/expert the field
in a way that makes money—
churn out content/
content/
you need to create more content…
where is the place for creating for the sake of creativity?
and why can’t i find my own balance?
i think
it’s because
i just want to feel
like i know
something.
i want to feel adept/
professional/
expert/
master/
ace/
like i don’t have to second guess every choice i make—
that’s what i want out of my crafts.
December 3, 2022
what a weird week
said multiple people these past seven days
not necessarily bad
(nor good either)
just
weird.
and i have to agree;
going from being terrified to submit to anything,
theatre/
film/
voiceover/
experimental/
at all
(for fear of the inevitable
no-reply rejection)
i submitted to three things in two days
and got auditions for over half
(still have to audition,
but damn
does it feel like
the relief
of crawling out of a ravine
but looking up to see
more walls surrounding you
again)
man
i chose this.
November 13, 2022
late night writing
(not that late)
(is it even night?)
(damn daylight savings)
(at least i am writing)
~~~
what if
i let myself
really
trust
in the universe
and let
the rest
go?
~~~
there is an adage
in auditioning
in acting in general
to ‘find the love’
in any scene
if it seems
about money
or revenge
or procedure
or humor
or anything
or nothing
something
to make it
more interesting
more alive
find
the love
in life
in living
in the universe
find
the love
October 18, 2022
i can do it
i can reach out
i can cold call
and cold email
and cold submit
because i won’t learn
what i’m doing ‘wrong’
until i at least
put myself out there
and try
August 28, 2022
manifesting
without the grind
where do you find
roles
without playing the game?
[ah, yes, you write them]
July 11, 2022
riding that high
back to stage
i can sing
i can engage an audience
i can act through a song
i can do riffs and runs (?maybe?)
i can do all the things
i am talented
i am hardworking
i can do it
i can do it
i can do it
i am good enough
i am enough
let this be a reminder
to my future self
who does’t believe
in me
March 27, 2022
dealing with
A Thing™
emotions crashing against my walls
like tidal waves
tsunamis
of bitterness
resentment
betrayal
confusion
trust issues at it once more
and i just want to act
to do my best with my art
and i hope i can feel my ocean
while still remaining true to myself
and my scene partner
and the scene we’ve put together
but what happens
when you always come back
to feeling
just
a little bit
abandoned?
February 17, 2022
don’t be scared,
be you.
don’t be safe,
be you.
don’t overthink,
trust your instincts,
be you.
this seems like positive,
encouraging,
enlightening
advice
on the surface
but then my
[overthinking]
brain
turns it all on its head
again
aren’t the scared/
safe
parts
part of me,
too?
is it just another
nature vs. nurture?
how i was born
vs.
what the trauma turned me into?
what do i do
who can i be?
i contain multitudes
it’s why acting
so why can’t i trust the multitudes
within me?
trust
let go
surrender and embrace
