i’m way off to the side
looking in
checking up
half affected by the violence
but only by third and fourth degrees

my close friend’s
daughter’s
friend’s
friend
is in critical condition

my former roommate
went there
decades
ago

i know folks in madison
working directly in schools
part time

they feel the effects
they’ll know the fear
[they’ve already been feeling it
but now it feels more real]

and i’m still over here
way outside the group
fearing for folks
instead of dealing directly
or helping directly
i’m just talking directly
and noticing patterns
and sending my best energy
and wondering how i can be so affected
every time
but it does feel worse
when it’s closer to home,
even a home you no longer go home to
it was
the people still are
and i sat on facebook for the first time in years
just hoping to hear from my people
feeling selfish
and afraid
and still somewhat untouchable
because i’m somehow always
degrees away
from tragedy
myself

and what does it all mean

[i think it means
there’s been a reckoning
and will continue to be
until we are all
closer than
next door to
the gunshots]