the joyful teasing
the conviviality of being around each other
the discussing
planning
problem-solving
the sharing, watching, playing
the family.
~~~
observation;
my downfall
[/upfall?]
~~~
can i
just
be good at acting
[on my own]
without needing such guidance
to stop overthinking?
[please???]
the difference
between
these two families
(i think/i observe)
is the feeling of being happy just chilling around each other
vs.
the need to be on/entertain/give 100% attention
(and i wonder why i never really parallel played as a child)
i always forget
before leaving on any sort of
vacation
just how much i will
miss
new york city.
~~~
what to do
what to say
what to write
what, today?
~~~
is sleeping
in one’s
childhood bed
truly as relaxing
as it seems?
(i’ll check in after another day or so
to inform of my personal findings)
is the not knowing
whether or not
[family time]
will be a thing
this year
worse
than just not having it
at all
last year?
[yes.]
Trans Day of Remembrance
another bloody year
another bloodiest year
i don’t know if i’ll be able to observe
being in the car
for upwards of 8 hours
throughout the entire day
today
but i’ll ponder
i’ll think
i’ll contemplate
i’ll mull
i’ll meditate
on how truly free
we truly are
not.
observing
the foster dog
trying to figure out
what she’s thinking
what she’s trying to do
with her nose on the blanket
why she growls at the cat
(is it antagonistic
or trying to get some four-legged creature
in this house
to play?)
i hope
she hears
when we say
“good dog!”
i hope
she understands
when we look at her with love
(i hope
it helps
when i point to where i’m going
so as to not startle her
or make her feel like she’s being cornered)
but mostly
i just want such good things
for this dog
the stress
and hassle
of planning for a family visit
is made all the more complex
in this time of COVID.
we [the family] are all vaccinated,
but half of us work
(or have worked)
in healthcare
so we know,
we know.
so is it worth
the 8+ hour drive
with dog?
is it worth traveling
(however carefully)
through some places with
less than stellar rates?
is it worth
even going
if we have a cold?
(every illness now is
a moment of pause
even if we know it isn’t
a coronavirus)
and with the family
not all that enthused anyway
should we again,
like last year
say next year?
[next year]
[next year]
i don’t know how to talk about anything
other than
everything that happened yesterday
and i don’t even really know
how
to talk about everything that happened yesterday
[but somehow
i must]
[?]
so much
so much
so much
in one day
probably won’t grasp it all
until tomorrow
or next week
or next month
or years from now
but for right now
so much
and yet
at least we are all in our respective beds.
[good night]
there was a fox
who lived in our old neighborhood
(in Madison, Wisconsin)
and even though we never saw it in our own backyard,
our neighbors informed us it was often there
and Kip would gasp
every evening
into the darkness
and whisper
“The Fox!”
here in this neighborhood
of The Bronx
there are two skunks
roaming the sidewalks,
rooting around for food
in our zen garden of a backyard,
burrowing in the bushes
near the front,
and though i was the only one to see one of them
hiding
in the hostas,
if i don’t shine a light down the alleyway
Kip will gasp
into the darkness
and whisper
“The Skunk!”
and that is how
“The Skunk!”
became the new
“The Fox!”
kipventures 