April 8, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

autumn is a time for falling asleep
spring is the awakening

autumn is preparing for the months of winter depression
spring is shedding those sads

autumn is slowing, pondering, thinking, dying
spring is the adrenaline amping up again

so why do i feel so tired and sad and ponderous
while spring is all around me?

~~~

coffee
music
cat on lap
dog on couch
kip across the table
help me enter the day
my way

~~~

i know my headspace isn’t great
if i obsess over things
or
if i shoot from one subject matter
to the next
to the next
with no real resolution
and no thinking through to the end.

so why are my indications
entirely opposing?
is this my black and white thinking coming to some sort of fruition
or is this the source of my non-grey-mind?

April 6, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i am
a very stubborn person
a very strongheaded person
an i-put-my-mind-to-a-task-and-i-do-it person
a person who sets a goal and sticks to it
a person who does things

when i was sixteen years old, without a flexible muscle in my body
i decided i wanted to be flexible
so i stretched every morning
and was, after just a few months
able to do all splits
and waterfall into a back-bend
and i did this with very little knowledge
(which would bite me in the ass later,
but that’s not the point of this poem)
i wanted to be something
so i set my mind
and i did it.

i have other examples
of stubbornness
of setting my mind
but that is the one i call upon first
because it is such a clearcut example
of how i can accomplish
anything
i put my mind to

so why can’t i ever set my mind to loving myself
to forgiving myself
to cutting myself a little bit of slack
to giving myself a little bit of a mental break over things that
i probably had very little control over in the first place?

is it because i don’t actually want to love/forgive/let myself off the hook?

i’d say
probably

(but then that brings up a whole new question
which is
why?

why do i think i don’t deserve love?
why do i think i’m reprehensible if i dare to cut myself the tiniest bit of slack?
why does my feeling of worthiness come directly from how worthless i can
make myself feel?

this doesn’t seem healthy or accurate or growth-inducing

so why do i still do it?)

(i don’t have any answers right now)

April 5, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

it’s so easy for me to fall
in love
head over heels
dramatically
[platonically]
asking for your heart
opening myself up to let you in
welcoming all of you
beauty
faults
talents
salt
my compassion
for your passion
is limitless

but the minute someone says
‘i’ve made a place for you
in my heart,
please come and tell me
of your dreams and nightmares,
your goals and your regrets,
i want to know all of you
i welcome all of you,
beauty
faults
talent
salt…’

i feel the air
absent
instantaneous

my figurative feet frozen
flipping from fight to flight
forever
heart pounding
knees shaking
voice quaking

why can’t i just let myself,
my already fully opened self,
receive what i’ve already given?

why am i always at a precipice
of giving myself over
surrendering myself to others
and never taking that necessary
step/leap/plunge?

i want to
so badly,

but my entire nervous system
screams against it.

so that the minute i take
the minutest step
towards letting someone
see
me—

the minute they don’t follow
100% of my expectations—

i use that as proof
that i never should have trusted in the first place
and that adds one more minute
on the precipice
between giving and receiving,
loving and pushing away
trusting and unjustly feeling so betrayed
that already the freeze feels like an eternity…

someday

it will be

April 4, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the pacing
of the pattern
is getting closer…

how did weeks of
inspired writing
followed by
existential creative despair
turn to days
to maybe hours now?

i’m losing concentration
faster than i’m gaining traction
and i just want to be able to stick to a day
and live it all the way through
without naps interrupting
or needing something to drown out my thoughts…

i keep having impulses to do things–
wanting to sew, but on the days i actually have time,
i sit down to a project;
it all feels so overwhelming
and at the same time meaningless.

it’s hard to battle the depression in your head
when it’s both a foreign invader
and your closest, best friend,
[and also, in many many ways,
just yourself.]

this poem is a mess
but so is my head lately

(and in an hour or two,
i bet you anything
i’ll be fine)

April 3, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

the day is gray
and rainy
and my capacity sits at the precipice
of being awake and creative enough
to write and read and work and create
and all those good things,
and that of succumbing to the drear
of the clouds and rain and outside
drain my creativity
until my body floats like vapor
up to the sky

[[[to fly?]]]

April 2, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

connection
in this day and age
of high speed internet
and loudfast cars down the street
and split second decisions
is so rare

but somehow we found each other
and talking with you makes time stop
and we push each other to create a legacy
while still reminding each other to sit in the garden
for as long as the dog will allow us
and our skin on skin contact
is my favorite feeling
in the universe

so let’s continue this
for another five/ten years
because i was just treading water
before you came into my life

April 1, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

April
Fool me once
shame on you
Fool me twice
blame the day.

i actually have no concrete qualms
of this Fools of April
day
but i’m morally against
any pranks or fooling
in bad taste
that do harm

(i mean, i’m against harm
being done
at all)

pranks i enjoy
are things like
Rick-Rolling
and
innocent claims
truthed-up in a moment,
no elaborate schemes
or embarrassment on the prankee.

as a child/teen
i spent the entirety of the 1st
high on my guard
looking at everything
with suspicious eyes,
i felt my entire nervous system
throughout the day
ready to spring
at the tiniest possible stimulant
(how i didn’t know i had anxiety…?)

but i don’t know
what i’m trying to say
with this poem today

i guess
just
don’t be mean,
and give your friends
with generalized anxiety disorder
a break
(since they certainly aren’t going to give themselves one
until midnight oh one
on the second)

March 31, 2022

/ HJ / 1 Comment

Trans Day of Visibility.

i try to be so visible…

but my visibility often seems to negate my living experiences

(any time i wear the trans colors
i’m read as
only femme)

(and while i feel
not
the gender i was assigned at birth,
my taste often finds itself
aligning
with what my assigned gender
is ‘supposed to’ like)

(but i’m not just gay
as in happy
[though often i have this
demeanor]
i’m also queer
as in fuck the system,
as in i will always stand up for those with less power,
as in my entire identity will always be a political statement
because much of it is often politicized without my consent,
and i know of others with intersecting identities
on top of the identity[ies] we share
who will never be out of the line of fire from politicians
trying to gain power
over others)

so i’ll stand up
tall
(as my barely over five-foot-frame will let me)
and proud
of my trans identity,
my non-binary identity,
my queer-in-all-the-ways identity,
and tell everyone who will listen
‘yes, thank you for listening
to me,
an actual trans person,
but please
also listen
to those who fall under the binary umbrella
underneath the larger trans umbrella,
especially trans women,
and listen to those who fall under other marginalized identities,
listen to Black trans folks,
listen to Indigenous trans folks [Indigenous two-spirit people],
listen to trans people of color
listen to those folks of color with darker skin,
listen to trans people with disabilities
listen to trans people who aren’t neurotypical
listen to trans people who aren’t from your country,
listen to trans people who don’t look anything like you,
listen to trans folks who make you feel uncomfortable with your privilege
listen to trans folks who fight the system that was built to tear them down.

and honestly,
if you listen to those folks first
(which i encourage you to do)
and you have a lot of introspection to do
and you don’t have the time
or energy
or capacity
to listen to my words
afterwards,

i’d much prefer that.

listen to trans folks with less privilege than myself
expand your knowledge
first.

(maybe we’ll see each other in the metaphorical
‘audience’
and wave ‘hi!’)