thinking it
saying it
believing it
into existence
[a note on 500 days of poetry]
August 24, 2022
sometimes
creativity
just needs a
change of scenery—
a trip to the coffee shop
or to a whole new continent
but sometimes, a simple switch
from table to couch
is all that was needed
~~~
interesting—
i pride myself on variety
on variating my verbs and adjectives
and nouns
too;
repeated words and phrases
(unless used in threes or themes)
cause me such duress
that half my writing time is spent
searching
for the
perfect
word
in thesauruses
and dictionaries
online—
trying to continue the thought
but include intentional alliteration
without the clumsiness of
a word
repeated—
to me that is the mark of a novice
or just a messy writer
(maybe not when others do it,
but definitely when it shows up in my work)
but
the last few days, i’ve had
repeated words
a couple of same-phrases
sitting in close proximity
in one poem
without the third to make it a theme
and i think my soul is experimenting with
imperfection
with finding a simple/correct phrase
and sticking to it—
embracing
the words my mind came up with in the moment
and going with it
and seeing what comes of it.
~~~
i’m writing
and writing
and writing down
the thoughts as they come
the words as they crown
(is that rhyme too obvious?
that metaphor too gross?
or perhaps just too femme-y
for male-bodied bros?)
but my intention
for this one poem
is simply to keep going
keep writing
keep growing
keep feeding the fire
and the belly of desire
to write words forever
(or at least until my word count
inspires
an ending)
August 23, 2022
if i were to write
a letter/poem/something to my younger self
would it be
simply
“you don’t need
to protect
your whole sex/gender/age group”?
“you don’t need
to stick up for
all cats
everywhere”?
“you don’t need to
put the entire world’s burdens
on your tiny shoulders”?
and is that still
what i need to tell myself
today?
August 22, 2022
i am often obsessed
with the temporary temporality of things
having seen what i thought to be permanent
snatched from me in less than a moment
while my eyes were blinking
while i turned away…
i’ve heard a great calmness can come
from seeing where you are
in the “grand scheme” of the universe
and admitting to
the smallness of self.
but for me, it was always about control—
the bigger the universe,
the harder it would be to put my mark on it
and i’ve always admitted to expecting from myself
the impossible.
but just now
i saw my two anxieties
come together in a release:
this home we love
and fill with stuff that does spark joy
is temporary
and someday it will be gone
and our sun will explode
and this planet will become nothingness once more
so it doesn’t really matter
if we put a bunch of mismatched plants around our windows
to give ourselves some tiny fraction of dopamine,
it doesn’t matter if we have
the cleanest house or
the perfect background for tiktoks or not;
whatever brings us joy
in this moment
is all that matters
because it could be gone—
it will be gone eventually—
so this moment
is all that matters
this moment
is all that matters
whatever makes us happy
and enjoy this planet
in this moment
is all that matters
(and if we leave the planet
a little better
a little more sustainable
a little bit happier
for the generations to come,
not only will that give to others,
it will also set
our souls
at ease
far more than the stress of
being a household name
or keeping everything given
or being perfect in anything at all
would
in this moment
in future moments
in any moment.)
August 21, 2022
words melt in my mind
from time to time
thinking them in dusk
in witching hour wants
and needing to write them out
but feeling like that would
break the spell
to spell out too much
to identify in analytic hours
so they simply
melt
become part of me
where they always were
to begin with
it seems
and maybe that’s the lesson
that’s to be earned and learned:
the words neither exist outside of me
nor are fully lost internally
they’re always there with me
as is my power
my connection
my rhythm and rhyme scheme and
spirituality
it just takes a little bit longer for myself
to see.
for where are these words and patterns
and rhymes and smatterings
of slammings be coming from
if not
inside?
August 20, 2022
spirituality is getting
a doctorate
in yourself
but it’s emotional
it’s trust
it’s gut feelings and it’s hard choices
it’s things you can’t study and memorize and analyze
it’s just you and faith
faith in self
faith in humanity
faith in the earth/universe/the bigger whatever
and how can i write
poem after poem after poem
(the emotional writing craft)
but not have gotten any closer
to the self
i keep
in my
gut
?
August 19, 2022
one of the puppy’s
favorite playthings
is a squeaker stolen
from another dog toy
the red plastic disc
bounces and baubles
in such an entertaining manner
the puppy can’t help but be
engaged
add to that the squeak for its original purpose
(a squeak she never really squeaked
when it was part of a pre-made set)
and the size perfect for her to fit
in her little puppy mouth;
this seems to be the perfect toy
she entertains herself for longer
than with any other toy
(ice cubes come close)
but its tiny size makes it the perfect prize
for the under-the-couch vortex
so she still sends up needing us
not to play with
but to rescue
this toy
as she gets it stuck
under couches,
under shelves,
behind radiators,
and between couch cushions,
and all in all, it’s a pretty good toy
for a needy puppy
(i’m just worried about the day
her mouth and throat grow
and the squeaker becomes
more choking hazard
than entertainment,
but who knows—
maybe this is the size this puppy will be
forever!)
August 18, 2022
they say the cello is the instrument
most like the human voice
but
whenever i listen to violins
play long, extended phrases
i always catch myself
holding my breath
as if i could sing the line
too
~~~
how is our puppy
so damn cute
and precious
and calm
when she’s sleepy
and so adorably hassle-y
and damn destructive
when she’s hyper-awake?
~~~
short poems
small amounts
because today
my belly says
‘no’
August 17, 2022
chill morning
chill music
moving info
both satisfying
and
frustrating
at the same time
[when/will it ever end?]
~~~
but my butt
hurts
when i sit in chairs
like a normal human
/
when i try to sit in chairs
like a normal human
and my body instinctively inclines itself
further and further leftwards
until my [right] butt hurts more
than it initially did
so i should just start
sitting
like the queer that i am
to avoid
further
injury
~~~
writing
in fits
and starts
(or starts
and starts
and i wonder where the fits
fit in with
this chill morning
of mine)
August 16, 2022
i should have known
that the answer wasn’t
‘both’
when asked if i liked to work more with
details
or
big picture
things,
simply based on my reaction to being presented with
either.
when asked to look at minute details
i feel like i’m being laid into a giant warm bed
that fits me perfectly
that itself cuddles back.
and when being presented with
the big picture
i’m overwhelmed to the point of
panic attack
~~~
this
computer
is on its last legs
(or its last keys)
the multiplying of vowels
has at least tripled
(except for the rare occasion
when a letter simply
doesn’t)
but now the delete button
and space bar
are on the fritz
and a few consonants
are also acting awry
and i
think should just bite the bullet
and let Kip transfer my things
over to the new [to me] laptop
but this machine is where i wrote a novel,
and this is where my Morning Poems started,
and i took all my zoom classes
here,
and it feels like
an end to an era
when it’s simply
upgrading to the next model
and i
need to stop worrying
about losing all my things–
Kip knows how to transfer
and i’ve saved in at least two different places
and i should trust technology
some day
(maybe today?)
~~~
my body
and brain
just want to go back to
adjusting every little date
on my transfer
from goodreads to storygraph
because tiny details
and mindless tasks
feed my soul
like pudding;
filling it with empty calories
that i know should go
after a full meal
(of poetry-writing, perhaps?)
but i secretly just want
to eat sweets
and do teensy tasks
whenever i feel
any kind of
hunger
kipventures 