everything feels like it
may
or may not
happen
even my first sip of coffee
was delayed
even the snow itself
seemed fake
until it came
Author: HJ
February 12, 2024
it was actually fairly nice
yesterday —
working on a big poem
between rest
and embroidery
and silly television feeds
to make us feel
not quite 100% of the sadness we feel
daily —
there is something to be said for
working hard
on something,
and i did that,
i can do that.
[maybe i am an adult after all]
February 11, 2024
be your own
woodland
fairy
princex
February 10, 2024
the shoulder
is in pain —
left
side
deafening
throbs of muscle tightness
silence
and then the occasional relief
just to tighten back
into an unreleasable knot
each pulse
extending the reach
of neurons firing warning shots
up my neck
down my arm
across my back
toward my head
and i don’t know how much longer
i can live with this
constant reminder
of my body’s
flaws
February 9, 2024
jazzy soundtracks
to lull my brain into awakeness —
to hold my body close
and warm it with the heat
of brass and dancing bodies
in that way that only jazz can
in that way that i only want jazz to
hold me
wake me
warn me of the world
and hold me when the world is too much
and let me know exactly what that too much is
so i can do something
to change it
[when i am
awake]
February 8, 2024
i had a dream
[a stressdream]
[a nightmare really]
where i was back in college
[musical theatre college]
[in canada]
and it was time for some sort of dance critiques
or juries
or something
but it wasn’t 2012
it was now
today
with the coronavirus and everything
and one of my dancemates
tested positive for covid
but still came in
and didn’t even mask
because it “wasn’t a big deal”
because
“everyone will get it a few times anyway”
because
“it’s basically just a cold
and i’m not even showing many symptoms
anyway”
anyway
anyway
[i don’t actually remember everything this person said
because i stopped listening —
i was filled with pure rage
and disgust
and loss
and panic
and i freaked out
and ran far far away
because if i can’t trust those in my own like-minded friend-group
who in the fuck
can i trust?]
i’m still heart-pounding
skin-paling
high on adrenaline
with the crash coming soon
and i don’t know how to soothe
my beat-up nervous system
because real life
isn’t that much
different…
February 7, 2024
is my problem
not
that i’m main-character-syndrome-ing
on my own,
but looking in from the outside
as if others see me
as the main character
and expect my own struggles
to come and go
and be completed
and have a story arc
isolated to a beginning middle and an end
all nicely tied up
when everything is said and done
and i can’t understand how
i’m still living when i’ve already tried
thousands of lives
on stage and off
and how is there still more of me to see?
haven’t i already lived my story?
[there’s more
there’s more
there’s more]
February 6, 2024
our animals
can sometimes be
respectful
of each
other
just sniffs
no snoofs
no chasing
no hissing and batting and growling
every now and then
they have a moment
of potential friendship
February 5, 2024
the simplicity today
is still so simple
it’s not making larger ideas
blossom
in front of my eyes/
it’s making my blood boil and rise
at the fact that i
cannot seem to focus long enough
to make poetry i’m proud of
maybe tomorrow
[maybe even later today]
February 4, 2024
do past poets
ever view todays’
as cheaters?
“i never had rhyming dictionaries
back in my day…”
“the whole of human knowledge
at your fingertips
and this drivel
is what you come up with???”
good thing
i don’t believe in an afterlife
otherwise
i’d be worried
about generations of past poets behind me
judging my work
instead of simply all of humanity
from now going forward…
kipventures 