Author: HJ

March 23, 2024

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a sudden sad

is it the rain?
is it my own mistake
in ordering our breakfast day?
is it my hormones
being completely out of balance?
is it my mood disorder
and some sort of need to meditate?
or is it living under late-stage capitalism,
watching systems that care more for profit
than for people,
and observing tragedies,
wars,
and genocides
half a planet away
that i almost almost almost almost feel
i have some power to stop,
when in reality
i absolutely
do not?

guess it’s probably the rain…

March 22, 2024

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Lost
and still found
and still running around
spinning, flailing, trying to find something to hold on to
to keep myself from flying off out-of-control again
even though that’s what my vestibular system
wants so so so badly
wants to wake it up
and be a child
Again

March 21, 2024

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lost
by the wayside
trapped
by the tears i cry
[a prison made of droplets
would be very asethetic
indeed]

at least there’s the smell
of cotton candy coffee
to bring me back to
this
reality

[whether or not that’s what i need
is not to be answered right now…

…probably]

March 19, 2024

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and now we’re home,
and watching the outside cats
sniff/fight over/eat the food
i set out for them every morning,
and i have cold coffee next to me,
and speakers playing music,
and everything is back to how it should be —
and it almsot feels like this weekend
didn’t even happen
[but this utter exhaustion speaks
for the drive and time awake
and stress and overnights
in not-our-own-bed
and lack of routine
from this past
weekend

i guess it had to have happened]

March 18, 2024

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the whole concept
of autographs
is so weird
to me

what is the value
of a sheet of paper
with scribbles all over?
i’m actually asking —
is it the fact that they touched it?
the proof of the meet
between you and a famous person?
what about a book on a shelf
that just happens to have the author’s signature
on the inside cover?
no meeting occurred,
no special message inscribed,
just a/the name
in a/the book
they wrote…

and does it still apply
if a famous author signs
a book they didn’t write?

honestly, that’s what i’d like —
a famous/famously trans author
signing all my [wizard child] books;
a woman signing those tomes contrived
by known misogynists
[of which there are so many];
any sort of “blasphemous” writer
signing
a bible —

i personally think that’s worth more than the dime-a-dozen
‘signed by author’
examples
in bookstores all over…

…but maybe that’s
just me

March 16, 2024

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dance, for me, was never a release
or an expression of self
[at least before i found circus]

it was always what my body was doing “wrong”
what i needed to “fix” in movement
or appearance
it was so much about “looking”
rather than being
and living

but i’ve been working as a paid backup dancer
for a few months now,
and, granted, this isn’t the most professional
or well-funded endeavor
i’ve ever
been on
or seen,

but

it’s given me
such a whole new perspective
on how healing
and expressive
and giving
dance can actually be
[even though i’m still so critique-y
when i see
what my body does
naturally…

i suppose we all have
something
to work on —
whether it’s flexibility
or a better turn-out
or our own perceptions of self —
we can always be better
and
we can always be kinder
even to ourselves]

March 15, 2024

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the act of visible mending
is a tiny protest to society’s
constant stream of
‘consumerism’
‘respectability politics’
‘appearance is worth everything’ —
it is taking a learned skill,
applying it
loudly
and proudly
and with imperfections,
and telling capitalism to
kindly
go screw itself.

March 14, 2024

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a hassle of a night:
neither of us comfortable
neither of us falling asleep
[though we remain
quite sleepy]

the giggles take us,
then the frustrations,
then the crosswords
which usually lull us
instead carry us through the two-o’clock hour
of finding right answers
and finishing this past sunday’s puzzle

downstairs
with the puppy and
today’s crossword
[today today, since it is far past midnight]
to cuddle on the couch
snack in hand
trying to find where sleep might land

it finally does
[with interruptions, yes,
and puppy hassles]
but dreams do take us
eventually
dragging us
into a reasonable hour for awakeness

and here comes another
fretful
day