here i thought it was the
‘having an actual regularly scheduled job’
that was making the days long
and the nights
rough
but i think it’s actually this
unknown
allergy
type
thing
because it’s hard to be awake
and itchy and inflamed
and it’s hard to fall asleep
not knowing what your body is going to do to you
next
pondering
pondering
pondering
mulling
thinking
and writing
and honoring
honoring
honoring
those who came before me
a silly delicious homemade pizza
a silly, hilarious homemade ttrpg
a brutal cliffhanger ending
and i can’t wait to go back to play
to see what’s going on in this
[home]brewed up story
i wish i could just
relax into knowing
i know something
but instead the anxiety decides
to show up right at that moment
and “release” me from feeling
good about
anything
and instead
i feel
stupid/foolish/in over my head/a fraud
a straight up, full on imposter
how will i ever feel
like i’ve achieved
anything
if this is what my brain chemistry
does to me
every
single
time?
getting excited about experimentation
and viewpoints and compositions
and stupid hackathons
[physical hacking
hot glue
silly embroidery]
tho
why do i just want to make poetry
out of
everything
ugh
just
ugghhh
~~~
the eyes itch
and the nose sniffs
and the exhaustion hits
and it may just be allergies
it’s probably just allergies
but it still makes me want to
cry for hours or escape into the night
or simply sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep
~~~
i will say
at least my allergist
seemed just as confused
and almost as frustrated
as i am
when he told me
i’m just a big
question mark
it’s destroying me
this whole “don’t touch the animals” track
we’ve been on lately
i am a puppy croodler
a cat lap person
a snuggler and kisser of all animals around me
[so long as they let me]
and petting them
brings me
such joy
but with the swelling
and the red eyes
and the misery that benadryl barely breaks up at night
i suppose not touching the animals
because i am
*technically*
allergic
is a smart move
[but the misery could also be alleviated
with a soft and floofy cuddle…]
[damn body
attacking me
for one of the few good things in my life]
if i had a tiktok presence
if i wasn’t afraid of the internet
if this was just after
acofaf had come out
i would absolutely do
that audition scene
playing all the
parts
but i don’t
and i am
and it came out so long ago
and i suppose i could do it
for me
and for anyone
who may need a little reminder about that
glorious piece of genius that is
dimension 20 presents
a court of fey and flowers
[but i don’t know of anyone
aside from us
who uses it as our comfort watch]
[i could take a stab though…]
[i’m so scared still…]
[maybe
a little
later]
i have had
quite the busy
busy week
and today is the day for
resting
and chores that have been waiting
for at least a week
if not more to
be done
and this may end up being my week
from now until
who knows when
but i’ll keep trucking
i’ll keep doing
until i find myself
trying
something different
[i still want to write more than anything
but i can never think of anything
to actually write
about]
something that doesn’t get enough love
is how dogs show their love
through leans
the bearing of their weight
by the side of my leg
makes me feel like i
am supporting this whole dog’s
whole heart
whole mental health
by my lonesome
and she’s choosing it
[what a damn honor
to be a human
that a dog loves]
kipventures 