letting my brain
rest
for a second
it’s not nearly as
easy as
it sounds
letting my brain
rest
for a second
it’s not nearly as
easy as
it sounds
performing
anxiety
anticipation
excitement
fear
hope
acting
for better or worse
it was my first training
it was my most training
it is the time that i feel the most myself
on stage
even with the
anxiety
and fear
there is always still
anticipation
to excitement
to hope
[if you’ll be in nyc
tomorrow, may 17th,
come on out!]
perhaps you wake up one day
and the sky is purple instead of blue
still the same brightness — no sunrise or sunset vibes
making the change, though many things may adjust
from your point of view — like are you near a body of water?
look at it, it’ll reflect the sky, and you’ll realize
in that moment, that the ocean is not, in fact, blue,
or even any color on its own,
but a simple showing back of
the sky above it
but
no one else remarks on the suddenness of the purple in the sky
and when you see a game show with simple questions
or shadow your niece’s kindergarten class
the correct answer to “what color is the sky”
is “purple!” every time
so what now?
do you ask someone about it?
do you try to sleep it off?
do you check your own kindergarten worksheets
dug up and pulled down from your parents’ house’s attic?
there, in your own handwriting, is “purple”
and even poems you wrote ages ago
where you rhymed “blue” with “true” at the end of a stanza
put forth the same rhyme scheme, but with purple in the middle
“the sky’s purple hue/makes my heart beat true”
and it works
better than
“blue”
do you take this to your therapist
crossing your fingers behind your body
that it won’t be enough to get you committed
again?
how long has your reality strayed from everyone else’s?
is everyone else under an illusion now?
were you picking up nonreality for twenty-seven years?
why
why
why
is this happening?
to you?
you wait
and perhaps
you never get an answer…
interestingly
i am not a perfectly moral being
and i feel like the few times i’ve
strayed
from the morality i’d like
have influenced me the most
in keeping kindness and honesty
at the top of my
values tree
[now why can’t my perfectionism hear that
and substitute in “mistakes”
and feel like making them
would just make my talent and skills
even
greater???]
nine years
married
a married-a-versary
[in this world we’re living in]
but
queer joy is resistance
and showing resilience
and we can do it
while also
using our privilege to help others
in our
community
working through what works best
for my distractable brain/
my undiagnosed, but probably ADHD brain/
my MaybeHD brain
finding new discoveries and tricks and impacts and randomness all the time
and it’s slowly feeling like
less and less of a lie when i
introduce myself and my needs as simply
“undiagnosed ADHD”
maybe
books
and resistance
will save us
whenever folks have asked me, lately,
how i’m doing
[as a regular “good morning”/“hello again!” introduction]
i always answer honestly
[because i really can’t not
unless i’m in the midst of going somewhere else
and only have the time for the word “fine”]
i’ve been answering
after a pause
“good? i mean, if i’m not thinking about
the state of the world
and our country
and the eroding rights
that no one in power
seems to be stopping,
yeah, i’m actually, surprisingly, doing well.
but, you know, the minute i think about
anything outside of myself
i fall apart”
and the folks who have asked me
nod in agreement
then sigh and shake their heads in disgust
and we begin a dialogue
about all the terror
located in our nations capital
[and all over]
and while this hostile government takeover/
overt turn into fascism
is actively terrifying and illegal and immoral
it is making it okay
to talk about government abuses
in the day to day,
and be honest
that we shouldn’t actually
be okay,
so i suppose i’ll give it that.
[strangely, does fascism bring us all in
closer to community
because we actively, finally, see
what we all so desperately need?]
perhaps
i should
accept
that the world didn’t actually
end
all the times it felt
like it did
not at the end of 1999
not in 2001
not in 2005
not in 2008 or 2012 or even 2020
so perhaps
living life
as if it’s not a secret simulation
or a fever dream
but something to make the most of
would be a smarter goal
[but that’s also so much scarier
and i need to figure out
how much push gets me going
and how much puts me in
a damn near catatonic state
of straight up fear of missing out
on everything]
creativity streams from me
from my fingertips to a computer screen
from my acting choices to an audience’s eyes
from my body on a circus apparatus
and i feel
almost
creative