if i do continue to
poetry
every day
will my poems become
(like my morning pages)
about the act of writing them
(and the frustration when they don’t flow)
…or
could i maybe break through that struggle
and find my voice on the other side
of the struggle and search
for words and subjects
and feel confident in my
abilities
as a
writer.
sometimes
you just need
some saxophones screaming at you
[from your tiny laptop speakers]
with crazy drumbeats
drumming
cymbal beats
into your soul
as a way to wake you up in the morning
and sometimes
you just need
to take a little break from
morning pages poetry
to talk with your spouse
and make them blush
at how much love
you have
for them
and sometimes
you just need
coffee.
my spouse is kip.
the word kip is also a very fun word to say.
we chirp “kip” at each other in public as a way to find each other
(sometimes the sound gets into a sonar-like frequency as we find ourselves closer and closer)
it has become a type of nickname/pet-name for both of us.
and when a birthday comes around
(either one of ours)
it has been dubbed “kip day.”
and the entire week around kip day
has become “kip day week”
and we present each other with presents
(because it doesn’t matter whose birthday it ‘really’ is; it’s kip day and we are both kips.)
and we enjoy the gifts,
as much in giving as in receiving,
and oftentimes we’ll get each other way too many kip day gifts
and the giving will continue
long after the 8 original days of kip day week.
(in fact, i believe this kip day week will extend at least three days past what we originally planned)
(and that’s called a love language)
if i’m going to be completely honest with myself
(and yes, that’s a worthy, but lofty goal,)
i’d say i’m frightened of what’s in my head.
and yet, i’m so curious.
and if i’m going to be completely honest with myself,
the second day is when the goal succeeds or fails
(or maybe it’s the third day
or the fourth
or the fifth
or…)
what i’m trying to say is that i
had such a good idea of what to poem about
yesterday
but today the well feels dry
[did i use it all up yesterday?
did i use it all up in the whole concept of this plan?
should i even be writing these poems with the word
“i”?]
the concept is a whole collections of contemplations
one for each day of each week of each month of this one
year.
perhaps it’ll help me write better
perhaps it’ll show me fortitude and consistency
perhaps i’ll give up after a while
(but i’ll still learn some important lessons along the way)
but what i want to know is:
when will i get to the good stuff,
the tough internal workings,
the contemplations on life and death and the liminal space in-between,
the inter-personal inner-workings of being,
instead of just writing about my plan to write?
the beginning of any project
is[can be]overwhelming.
if you have an idea for how the whole is supposed to look
and yet your mind focuses in on the tiniest of details
it can seem
damn near
overwhelming
but perhaps those AA folk are right
and day by day
(or bit by bit)
is truly the most mindful way to approach everything/life.
so is today the first day
of an ‘every day poem’ adventure?
will it last a whole year,
my mind becoming sharper
my words more focused
with each passing day?
or is that the over-thinking doing the talking
the one that sees the minor details as they make up the whole
the brain that gets overwhelmed because of all the ‘what ifs’
and
‘could bes’
and
‘why nots’?
and really, what i could be should be thinking is
i am writing a poem
today
and intend to write another
tomorrow.
and that is all that needs to be said
(or thought)
would i actually want to make a
poem a day
(it seems like a crazy concept,
an exhausting one at that,)
but one that perhaps i could achieve.
i did it while traveling
why not when i have great multitudes of time?
when i’m already writing every single morning?
(the question now is when to start?
do i need a specific start day?
do i want it to hold some meaningful meaning within it?
or can it just be like any other day?)
so far, not feeling anything
[re: the ill effects of the vaccination,
except for a small soreness in my upper left shoulder meat]
so the things i vowed to do yesterday
in order to prevent them from adding to my plate today
i can actually get done today.
and yet, adding to the pile of things
that i want to do
but have yet to get done,
still
this is a pretty nice feeling:
the concept of being awake
and ready to take on a day
and do the things that need to be done
instead of avoiding them
or fearing them.
[and i know this may not last.
there are many traps i could still fall in to
and so many things on my plate,
things that i *should* do today…
but still
as of right now
everything feels
kind of…
aligned.]
Round One
Fauci Ouchie
i wake up coughing, not because i’m sick, but because the air in this house is dry af.
so on the humidifier goes, away it sends my cough, i’m back on track, to get my
Fauci Ouchie
Round One.
i have chores to do today,
as well as assignments from
job
and
class
and any other day i’d divide them up over the whole day,
maybe nap a bit before getting started,
but today
i know there is a
(small but substantial)
possibility that i may be
down for the count
because of my
Fauci Ouchie
Round One
(based entirely on averages
i am likely to not react
at all,
but based on familial anecdotes
that prospect rises
significantly.
i only have one close relative to draw from,
and he reacted very poorly,
so i’m taking that into account;
i see myself as having
basically
a fifty/fifty chance
of having no reaction vs. an incredibly poor one
and i’m trying to plan my day accordingly
around the possible aftereffects
of my
Fauci Ouchie
Round One.)
so there are chores,
things with substantial physical effort
and i’m planning those for the morning
and then
post
Fauci Ouchie
Round One
i have the simpler
less tasking
tasks:
the monologue recording,
the voiceover acting,
the ones that i can do sitting down
in my silly little closet-studio.
but also
i’ve taken the time to
plan for a bit of those pre-
Fauci Ouchie
Round One
just in case i’m so dead to the world
that i just need to sleep.
(hilariously enough
this is why i’m planning on not napping pre-
Fauci Ouchie
Round One
because i would feel silly if i took two naps in one day)
so let’s juts keep the adrenaline up,
the excitement
the prospect
of my getting my
Round One
Fauci Ouchie
out of the way
and go out into the world
(when i can)
and make it be
like
any other
time.
my first words i set down
are always the most raw
the most me
the subsequent editing
and overthinking
and deleting
and more
and explaining
and rewriting ten times
that’s where it becomes no longer me
and instead
turns into
a parody of myself
a caricature of the person i think i am
(or at least think i could be)
all the potential falls at my feet
and any genuineness is forgotten
deleted
whisked away by
the persona of hj
when all i’d really like that persona to be
is the real hj
(but the overthinking and editing comes at that cost
and if i know i’m making mistakes
sharing too much or not enough
within the first draft
how do i make the edits more like me
instad of less)
(or is any written thought
always
going to be farther away from me?)
running out to the sidewalk
big chunks of snow falling
pockmarking the small white hills,
the yellow of a taxi cab
shining
in the not-quite-twilight of
5:45 pm
on a february friday,
the haze of pink-ish-purple
lighting the sky
in that way that
only an NYC dusk truly can,
my eyes adjusting to clearer vision,
happy
(for once)
to exist.
kipventures 