wake
car
pack
car
breakfast
car
stop
car
gas
car
stretch
car
snacks
car
hotel
car
family
dogs
play
talk
food
campfire
memories
people
car
tired
sleep
Author: HJ
June 23, 2021
another adventure
another setting out
this time for something
not quite as happy
but hopefully fulfilling
and connecting
and kind.
~~~
there are studies
that show
the earlier you deal with death
the better
(or so much worse)
you are at handling any death
as an adult.
i solidly fall into the second category,
my brain short circuiting whenever death is present
whenever someone is grieving
my go-to comfort is
to leave them alone.
but when you’re not a pre-teen
figuring out exactly what you need,
most folks would opt for connection
for a few words of comfort
not alone time.
so
after months of watching back episodes of
“Ask a Mortician”
and
reading her books
and
listening to her podcast
i’ve figured out a better way of dealing with death:
i ask the grieving person
what their favorite memory is of their loved one.
i specify they don’t have to share with me,
(but i’d be happy to hear if they choose),
but to simply think of their favorite memory.
i’ve only had two opportunities to use it so far,
but both felt connective,
kind,
and i felt useful
(all i really want to feel anyway)
so,
anyone grieving,
(or having gone through grief),
what’s your favorite memory of that person?
~~~
our dog
staring at her food
for minutes upon minutes
as if she’s having an existential crisis
(what a way for the universe to show us she belongs with us)
June 22, 2021
in that strange way
i’m feeling very much a certain way
a solid emotion?
[that never happens;
i am a master intellectualizer]
i suppose my one emotion
is the burgeoning of emotions.
in therapy i’m asked
‘how does that make you feel?’
and i can follow my thought process
what it makes me think of
the connections i make with past/present/future
but emotions? what a laugh.
[is my go-to coping mechanism no longer humor?]
intellectualizing is a fine coping mechanism
for someone not trying to actually get in touch with their emotions
but as an actor, i’d like to have a whole toolbox to play with
not just ‘all good emotions’
not just ‘all emotions that aren’t too tough’
not just ‘all emotions that don’t make me feel out of control’
my biggest fear is going crazy, losing control on my concept of reality
and if i let the ‘bad’ emotions in, how will i ever be able to stop them?
how will i stay in control of where/who/what i am,
when i feel like i’m a pre-teen and in Ohio and totally out of control
when i feel even a shadow
of those feels
i know i should
i know it’ll be good for me
i know i won’t lose touch with all of reality
but that doesn’t make it any less scary.
June 21, 2021
none of my poems
this morning
have a beginning, middle, and end.
some have one, or two, but none have all three
and i am unsure
what to share
on this morning
of
false starts
and half-thought theses
and distractibility
[by grammar
by emails
by cats
by other concepts entirely]
so maybe…this is the ending i’m looking for?
June 20, 2021
though we all loved the green
and the adventures
and the folks
we saw last week
(Louka especially)
i, for one, feel more myself
with this particular cat
back on my lap
once more.
~~~
motion alarms
sometimes useful
sometimes just a bee
trying to say ‘hi’
~~~
ranked choice voting
is here
(the giant booklet tells us)
early voting ends today
and though we will still be in town
for the actual election
we’ll probably vote early
because who knows what’ll happen on tuesday
but at least we know that
we’re free today
June 19, 2021 (part 2)
tasting honey,
drinking mead,
and though i probably didn’t meet the bees
that made theses particular batches
(i really should look up the lifecycle of a honeybee)
i do feel a bit of a sense of pride
in the deliciousness
of their work
thanks bees!
June 19, 2021
hiking up Machu Picchu
elevated
inclinated
[yes, i know the word “inclined” there would be fine]
my breath failed me
over
and over
and over again
i learned that “possibility of very slight asthma”
that i was diagnosed with
in childhood
really hits you
when the air surrounding you steals your lung capacity.
i was never good at cardio
even now that i’m more fit than i ever was as a child
i dread anything that gathers my heart rate into higher levels
so though i love walking around nature,
the concept of “hiking” only brings joy to my heart,
until we are no longer on level ground.
inclines remind me of the never-ending upwards motion
when my lungs gave out
(but we had places to be
and a time to be there by)
but hiking through the park yesterday
a small amount of incline
to get to a nice picnic area
surrounded by shady tress
i did ok.
(it shouldn’t be surprising
DC is not nearly as far above sea level
as Cusco,
but any upwards movement
comes with a great deal of apprehension)
and i did ok
and we all did ok
(just ok, we could have done better,)
and both my spouse and i
commented
on how four flights of stairs
for the last year and a half
should make us better at hiking up inclines
but it sure does not.
June 18, 2021 (part 2)
who really is
good
at goodbyes?
~~~
when i visit new places
i associate certain parts of them
with places i’ve been before
“this area reminds me of the east side of Madison”
“this one gives me big Toronto energy”
“well, this is like if Milwaukee and Cleveland had a baby…”
on and on,
until i see something truly unique,
or i’ve been there long enough
to associate it with itself.
~~~
stomach aches
is it packing stress?
is it travel anxiety?
is it getting back into the “real” world?
or is it the apprehension of expectation for more adventure
now that we’re both vaccinated and activated?
June 18, 2021
fixed the coffee maker
got so excited
messed it up a different way
new mistakes
~~~
interesting that i poem
about the banal
when i wish for such adventure
in my life
is it simply because poetry
is usually more introspective
than not?
(unless, of course, we are talking old school,
whole story,
epic poetry)
or is its because
i want to get a bit better
and poetry-ing
before i go on such excursions
with words?
~~~
of course
(of course)
i cannot have a short poem day
with only two.
the third poem is what
ties it all together
and makes my anxiety
settle down
(just a bit)
June 17, 2021 (part 2)
i held a honey bee,
let it crawl up and down my bare hand
lifted my fingers to see it bumble around
it flew off awkwardly
dropped to the ground
where i rescued it
and let it crawl on me once more
before flying off toward its hive
and i tasted honey straight from the comb
the floral notes gently caressing my taste buds
and i learned so much about bees and honey
i shared scads of fun facts with friends
and i wonder to myself
“could this be a new hobby?”
[probably not, but it’s nice to let the imagination run away sometimes]