what good
comes from
writing
about writing?
writing
about poetry?
writing
about waiting
and wanting
to write
so well?
Author: HJ
October 25, 2022
ok
let’s see
if i like this new compy
if this keyboard won’t be as hassle-y
if i can get on board creativity
and be
the person
i’ve always wanted to be
~~~
yes
you guessed it
new computer
new keyboard
less doubling of letters
less loss of vowels
less struggle to write
in a way
that others would be able
to see
and figure out
and comprehend
and all that jazz
(oh no
have i relied on that
hassle
to not feel
personally
imperfect???)
~~~
but with a new piece
of technology
comes the premise
of a promise
to keep it up to date
and cleaner
and less crumb-y
and less angry
and i (hopefully)
will fulfill this
better
than in the
(very recent)
past
we’ll see
we’ll see
October 24, 2022
i wonder
if my mother
would have been great
at getting my pronouns
right
would she have stood up for me
at family gatherings
corrected people
when i wasn’t near
would she have been
the ally
i needed
to come out
with a bang
instead of this subtle
exhausting
whispered
coming out
over
and over
and over
again
every time
a ‘she’ is uttered
or a ‘ladies’ is announced
or any of those microaggressions
my gender dysphoria
insists
are actual aggression
i don’t know
i wish i knew
but i really don’t
she was an ally of all queer folks she knew
(I know 100% she’d have been to my wedding
would have celebrated like the world was ending
when she knew mine was just beginning
because that’s just the way she was)
but gender is somehow harder
and the in-between confuses even the best
of allies
and i don’t want to put her up on a pedestal
nor do i want to underestimate her devotion
to a me she never got to see
i only knew her for eleven and three quarters years
and i have memories of less
she is both the person i was closest to
and the biggest mystery of my life
and i just wish
i could guess
what it would be like
to have her
stand up
for me
October 23, 2022
existentialism
is hitting me hard
today
and i can never get away
(do i ever even
try
to get away?)
October 22, 2022
Fauci Ouchie
Rounds One and Two
were
adventures
i didn’t really write
about Booster 1
(would that be Fauci Ouchie Round Three?)
because
i actually felt that one
(just extreme tiredness,
but still)
and
things started opening up
too early
just like i foresaw
and getting the boosters felt
like a civic duty
and the least i could do
and everything
and nothing
and knowing
people weren’t doing it
just felt
like too
much
but now
i’ve Booster-ed twice–
Four Rounds
of Fauci Ouchies–
and i expect to get exhausted
and i expect to feel all the feels
and getting this was a hassle and a half
but there’s no way
i wouldn’t do it
because it isn’t about me
it was never about me
this is about
those folks
who can’t
and those folks
who remain sheltering in place
as people and corporations and governments
alike
decide
any life
is an
“acceptable loss”
and normies decided
that going back to ‘normal’
is better
(and easier)
than what we could be doing–
finding
something
different
and better
for everyone
(as we endure
the global pandemic
that is
STILL
raging)
(and in case you haven’t caught on
from how i put it in the words before
this little parenthetical here,
this poem is about
disabled people,
immunocompromised people,
chronically and currently ill people,
and people who don’t fit our society’s
very limited
standards of
“normal”
who deserve
all the accessibility
that we can ever
give them)
October 21, 2022
i think
the reason
i enjoy organizing books
and tangible things
for fun
is the same reason
i can’t seem
to organize
my digital
life
physicality is separate
from me
from my mind
so i have some semblance
of control
over
it
virtual
online
digital
means to an end
end up emulating
what my brain is doing
so disorganization
is the only way i
survive
(i wish
there was another
way to
thrive)
October 20, 2022
words are unworthy
of the emotions of tragedy
they cheapen the expanse of feeling
to two-dimensional digestion
for others’ entertainment
but words are all i have
and my brain tends to forget how to feel
in these moments anyway
so while my mind starts in on the journey
of comprehension
before my heart catches up
(which’ll be in a day or two or three
i expect)
i’ll say the only words
that keep coming up
and up again
i hope (and believe) you knew you were so loved
and say hello to Lynnette for all of us, please
and we still believe
in The Power
Of Good
October 19, 2022
had big enough feels
to feel the need
to express it
sans poetry
via prose
and who knows
how that ended up
but i might re-read
and edit
and submit it
at a later date
so folks who might not know
start to understand
how emotional labor
takes its
toll
October 18, 2022
i can do it
i can reach out
i can cold call
and cold email
and cold submit
because i won’t learn
what i’m doing ‘wrong’
until i at least
put myself out there
and try
October 17, 2022
not feeling
anything
(writing
listing
poetry-ing)
was i this
lost
this time
last
year?
~~~
trying
to writing
with songs with words
we’ll see how this goes
~~~
was music all i needed
for me to feel like
this is a real morning???
