only took five whole days
to get back into the swing of this
writing
and feeling good about my writing/
confident that i have something to say
and the ability to say it
in a unique and clever way.
i still am probably not as good as i want to be
but maybe i’m close to
how good i
think
i am
listening
to spooky music
while the weather is still nice and warm
does not make the time fly
faster —
it instead
makes me believe
we live in a place
where halloween costumes
need not
be crafted
to fit oversized
over winter coats,
and trick-or-treating
need not
happen
in blusters of snow
and ice,
and the day after
need not
indicate
an immediate
seasonal
depression.
i had such hopes
and dreams
for august
and though it is not over
yet
i’m having those desolate feels
the pull
of the iud string/
the cramps
from a new one entering,
do not hurt me.
but the crash of a mug that wasn’t mine to break;
or a tiny pebble stuck in my shoe
for each step, bothering, not stabbing;
or something sticky
and i can’t tell what;
or the tag of a shirt;
or an uncomfortable sitting position —
those all make tears
appear
in my eyes.
but actual pain?
worst pain of my life?
nah.
puppies
and cats
and kips
and me
and this house
already filled with memories
and at least one ghost
from the ’90’s
and spooky music
all year long
and that’s what makes a family
i suppose
a resolution
for this distraction
of über depression
would be a stronger distraction
than it
but what
but what
but what
could be stronger
than my stupid brain chemistry…?
windy mornings
cold cold ears
hood up
take a step
embrace the autumn
{spooky season approaches}
am i
getting back to
the regular?
am i
in a state
of consistency
again?
or do i still have
a crazy crazy week
ahead of me?
after a few days
of none morning pages
perhaps today will be a day
of one morning pages
where did these sads come from?
why do they appear
in the midst of what should be
a happy time?
how are they somehow
related
to that happy time?
like i can’t let myself
get swept up in the moment —
i need to remind myself
in every moment
of joy
that despair
and tragedy
exists.
like if i let go
of the depression
that runs everything,
the glue that holds my whole being
together
will loosen
and split
and i’ll fall
apart;
and i just want
to be
myself
[someday]
[someday]
kipventures 