National
Coming
Out Day
a thing i did
so long long
long ago, and
still do to this
day
because, to be
in a heteronormative
cis-hierarchical society
means, if you don’t
conform fully, you
must explain yourself
constantly
constantly
constantly
dazed
waking up at 5:45
on purpose
[awake far before that]
when am i going to be able to get
a full night’s sleep
into my body
consistently???
i tap at the window
to get the attention of the cat
i’ve just fed
and the puppy goes crazy
thinking it’s a stranger
tap tap tapping at our door
and so she barks
and poofs up
and howls
to protect her home
and her kips
and herself
and she’s so brave
sometimes
i’ll do things
with no one around
that are so dramatic
i feel
i obviously
did them for an audience
but am i
an audience of one
or do i really want to influence
the animals here
that i’m that
ridiculous
?
[either of these could be
the for real
truth]
i hope i never lose my fascination
with other people
my deep-hearted desire
to understand others,
to hear about their lives and endeavors,
even when i don’t understand them —
listening to info-dumps
and rants about favorite hobbies
or points of interest
or simply stories of personal past histories
i adore being invited into strangers’ lives
[even when the stranger is one
i’ve shared a life with — their pasts are still
unknown to me and my life,
and being invited in, no matter how distant
feels so intimate]
i write this from the perspective
of trying to tell my own father
about my life
and what’s important to me
and seeing/hearing/feeling him
get antsy from
not caring
if he can’t
understand
or relate
and it breaks
my heart
i never want to make anyone else feel like this way
i hope everyone feels invited
to share their passions
with me
even
/
especially
if i don’t “get it”
[i adore learning new things,
and connection
above all]
the puppy
croodling up next to her brand new toy —
a highland cow
with five squeakers
and a witch hat
and a vibe of playing
i’ve never seen her do
with any
other
toy
is it love?
is it play-acting her hunting instincts?
do we care that much?
no —
we just like to see her
happy
i got
a sudden sad
yesterday
appearing out of
[seemingly]
nowhere, bubbling up to my eyes
hot with unexpected tears
all of a sudden
filling
overflowing
dripping down my
sad sad face
as i searched for something
to take the pain even slightly
away
and my kip was there to hold me
[the only thing that ever truly helps]
and jiggle/wiggle me around
to make me laugh some of the tears away
and the puppy was there to nuzzle into my face
and dry up the dripped tears with her fur
and the cat was there
to confuse my sadness away
when she tried to lick the inside of my
recently emptied coffee mug
but later
kip was on the couch
slowly melting to prone
as the weight of the news
read from the phone
crushed them down
gravity invading their bones
until they couldn’t move anymore
and i had used up all my personal stock of
any sort of ‘light at the end of the
fascist
tunnel’ feeling to wipe my eyes
and continue the laundry that needed
to be done,
so i couldn’t be there for my kip
as they had just been there for me
experiencing the same sadness
i had just
felt
this is a horrible timeline
why can’t people
[in power]
just
be
kind?
half asleep
half awake
half in love with
half the people
here on half this earth
[though i love the whole planet
like i can’t get away from
my own desires, crying when i see
a single beam of sun
encroach over the horizon
of a view i’ve never seen in real life/
or simply the leaves of trees
i always see
but rarely really
look at
on my daily commute
using human infrastructure
and human pathways
to get to human-created endeavors
and human-built buildings
but right here
are magics
we could never
ever
ever begin to
develop on our own
without the pathways led to us
for us
from the
earth]
every
single thing
on this planet
is so fucking special
i cannot
cannot
get over it
[this could include
humans
and humanity…
does it?]
feeling insane
for having sane responses
to an absolutely
batshit
crazy ass
timeline
i honestly
don’t understand
me
kipventures 