are these truly my only two states?
so invigorated
because of immediate trauma
and helping my community
and working so well
in crisis
and
depressed and sullen and scared
and just hunkering down
for nap after sleep after nap
until i don’t know where the years went?
i want something
in
between
we get through
not just day by day
but moment by moment
knowing not only
that each moment passes
but also
each moment
is its own universe entirely
moments hold multitudes
i want to resist
with love
and creativity
and i know the other side
has so much hatred
to fuel their fire
and it will get to me
it will get to me
but i’d rather stay soft
and weepy
than let blind rage lead me
to hurting anyone
inside
or outside
my community
keep writing
keep protesting
keep donating
keep impacting
the way you can impact.
and if you feel you can’t
take a moment to grieve that track
and look for backroads
into movements
and remember — the smallest impact
isn’t small at all
if a living being feels
cared for.
what a fucking stupid country
i’ll be eloquent tomorrow
today i just need to scream
~~~
that’s not true,
i’ll write today
because i’m too numb to just walk around —
my strength comes from feeling
but i can’t feel anything but frustration
for so many people who would vote against
their own self-interests
against their own inalienable rights
[i guess they’re kind of alienable now, right?]
i keep staring off into space
and getting lost in my own
worst-case scenarios
which all come back to the conclusion
“i simply don’t wish to be in this timeline”
which is especially strong, stemming from
“i’ve already live through this once — i thought we had learned.”
there’s a quote
in the miniseries Stakes
that’s part of the animated tv show Adventure Time
and it goes something like this:
[pause for me to find the complete quote, because i will]
the Vampire King asks Marceline:
“What’s the one thing you’ve noticed about the world since you beat me all those hundreds of years ago?”
to which Marceline replies:
“Everything repeats over and over again. No one learns anything because no one lives long enough to see the pattern, i guess.”
“But you’ve lived long enough.”
the Vampire King replies
and i kind of feel like i
have lived a thousand years
and seen the cycles and patterns repeating
over and over and over again
and am the only one who has learned
anything
[i guess it’s true what they say about studying history: you may not be doomed to repeat it, but you’ll be so frustrated as you watch everyone else repeat it that you lose all respect for humanity as a whole]
[i may be paraphrasing/adding to that, but the sentiment still stands]
~~~
i’m sickened
i’m scared
and i’m not even that frightened for myself — we’re in an overwhelmingly blue city
in the midst of a fairly solidly blue state
[and if New York were to secede, we’d be pretty
self-sufficient immediately]
i’m worried for all the folks who will be hurt
physically
emotionally
psychologically
from this egomaniacal walking talking cheeto
whose only desire
is to stay out of jail
and make himself more money
and the cult of hatred that follows him.
i wish i could believe in humanity
again/
ever
we already voted
but if you haven’t,
please do
for those too busy working multiple jobs
to put food on the table
for babies they never wanted
but were forced to have
for the trans children living double lives
in states that would rather have them die
than live their full, honest truth
around parents who may, eventually come around
but they don’t yet have that proof
for artists
and freaks
and everything that makes this country
what it is
which may not be great
[but it never was in the first place — we’ve had growing pains
for hundreds of years,
but each pang
is a way
towards equality
and equity
and not going back
please, don’t try to go back,
the future is where it’s at]
we already voted
and for one moment
i felt a slight relief from this anxiety
that has plagued me
for over a year now
so please,
vote for my Grandmama, who died from covid in 2023
[you know, after covid was “over”],
and vote for Palestinians
and the Sudanese
and the immigrants who listened to our statue of liberty
only to be met with hatred and libel,
please
exercise your right
while you still
have it.
i’ve been struggling
with ribs popping out of place
and muscle strain
and election anxiety
and generalized depression
and every time something feels
just a little too much for me
and i dissociate
and try to intellectualize
“why am i feeling this way?”
i just look around, and
there’s my answer.
jazz
big
full
jazz
sweet
funky
jazz
reminds me of nola
reminds me of halloween
reminds me of the 1920’s
reminds me of phryne fisher
reminds me of a time and a place and a storyline
when, maybe, i’d have wanted to be alive
one day of national novel writing month
down
and only twenty nine to go
every year i wonder
why i do this to myself
and every year
the emotions stagger and flow
and i feel accomplished
but what in the world do i do
after this?
we may have voted
on halloween
and experienced an unseasonably warm day
and while november 1st looks like
it’ll be just as warm
later,
the air is perfectly spooky this morning
complete with ominous winds
ever so slightly brightening
early early sky,
and crows calling
into the crisp fall air
and i’m almost happy
it’s this time of year
again
still
kipventures 